The End or Just the Beginning? Part 3

[ann25]

Hi Atlas... At this point, i don't think you sponsor knows enough to know what you should do. Share what's been going on, you'll have to at some point anyways, might as well get it out of the way now.

IMO, you should let things move forward with the D. She will not be the W you need until she is ready to face her issues and do something to correct them. There is nothing saying that after D and some C and meds for W, that you guys can't renew friendship/dating/love/M, but for now, i just don't think she can give you that. Seems like you are both just in differnt places right now.

For the house thing, probably someone can let her know that going into a trial will just prolong things. Even if you go to trial and sell, depending on the market, she may not be any better off... When my parents D, my mom was able to get my dad off the loan and extend it out a couple years, don't know if that's something you could look into if you wanted to work with her on that?

Just keep focusing on the sobriety and the little guy.

DH - Vent away... i'm sure i have my crazy moments too!! hehe

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey Atlas,

You haven't touched base with us in a few days. So how's it going?

--Chris

[Atlas]

W is still just doing nothing. W won't move forward in either direction. I'm frustrated and running really low on patience. We are supposed to talk Sunday and I already know she won't be able to decide. It's the same every time.

Last few nights we have had some good chit chat calls, eventually it turns to what we are doing, I've been at fault to head to the R talk as well as she. Either way, she says she can't decide what to do and she is scared.

I don't know what to do anymore, I just can't seem to pull the trigger, she holds the power and I'm sick of it. She knows it, I just think I have to force myself to face it and put an actual real timeline on it, and stick with it for once. Ultimatim time maybe?

[NewHorizons]

Atlas...

Umm...90 days?

NH

[Heimlich]

Stay patient. Stay sober. What's the rush to know?
BD

[fb2]

I don't know what to do anymore, I just can't seem to pull the trigger, she holds the power and I'm sick of it.

Atlas, Your staying sober is power, your self-imposed 90-day moratorium is power, knowledge she is bi-polar is power, looking after S2 is power ... I guess you are trying to make up your mind to bail out ASAP? Maybe line up all the ducks in your favor and load up your barrels now so you can pull the trigger for D if you have to at 90-days (D-day)?

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Atlas,

Why such a rush and loss of patience? She is not holding the cards. You are the one with the 90-days. Unless there is some court deadline or something I am unaware of, you are making your own timeline already. Just stay sober and stay the course. Make the most out of YOUR 90 days. I say let her spin and spin, not your problem she doesn't have a plan.

Best,
--Chris

[Atlas]

Thanks for the input.

I guess what is driving me nuts, is that she won't open up at all, we spend no time with each other, outside of some phone chit chat.

I sort of figured this 90 days would be for us each to examine whether we wanted a R, and I thought that would include some time spent together. Apparently not.

So my deal is, if we aren't spending any time together. Then what the he(( are we doing? Might as well move it forward if we are just wasting time is how I figure it.

Sober is going fine. I couldn't go back if I wanted to. I was talking with my sponsor and he said my attitude was right on and he felt like I have realized how shitty life is with the booz, that even if I had a relapse he knows I'd be right back on the wagon. Not that I'm worried about one, but outside of the W project, life is kicking some major fun a$$ right now.

Maybe some advice on my thinking about how or what to do with W? Maybe ask her out, or spend time together? What should I try? Honestly, I'm sick of playing DB, I just want to tell her I want some time with her, and see her reaction.

[ann25]

Hi Atlas,

I think that you aren't giving yourself any credit. You both have the power to walk away at this point. The fact that you are trying to use yours constructively and figure stuff out doesn't mean you have any less power.

I think that part of her hang up is knowing that she's going to have to give up or at least slow down her fun new lifestyle... She's in party mode and you are in family mode. You both really need to be on the same page before you can make things work.

Glad to hear life is going well outside of M. That's always a good thing.

Maybe some advice on my thinking about how or what to do with W? Maybe ask her out, or spend time together? What should I try? Honestly, I'm sick of playing DB, I just want to tell her I want some time with her, and see her reaction.

Then do it... Ask her to go out with you. treat her as you would a new girl that you'd ask out. It's been a while since you've done that, but it still works the same way. you ask, she says yes or no. If she says yes, maybe plan something fun that you guys used to do together and probably haven't done in a while. Dress up and take her out... why not. What have you got to lose at this point?

Keep going. ann

[Just_Me]

Maybe some advice on my thinking about how or what to do with W? Maybe ask her out, or spend time together? What should I try? Honestly, I'm sick of playing DB, I just want to tell her I want some time with her, and see her reaction

Atlas,

You are being a little impatient, but I understand where you are coming from. You thinking seems to be, if things aren't going to move forward, then why bother waiting 90 days. And you want to spend time together, but she isn't making any strides your direction.

So, my feeling is that you should go for it. Ask her out. Go do something together. Grab some dinner and a movie. What do you actually have to lose? Maybe she's waiting for you to initiate something. If the worst thing that happens is she says no or she's not ready, then what have you lost? You were days away from going to court and finishing this marriage off. DB says, "do what works". Do you really know that asking her out doesn't work? Have you tried it in the last couple months?