My h wants to come home. This is at a point where I have downloaded divorce forms and filled them out in pencil. I was about to call a solicitor. I have had a couple of real estate agents value the house for me etc etc. All in prep for me to move ahead with the D as I believed I was done and couldn't take him back.
We had a talk yesterday where he poured his heart out as to wanting to be with me and he was so loving and intense that I wanted to be with him so we ML. He still has a girlfriend.
Now he wants us to spend time together and has asked me to come with d and stay o/n at his place. I refused and said that I would love to but he needs to break up with E first. He asked if it would be different if he came to our house - I said no..same deal. Break up with her first.
I don't know if I ML with him because I really wanted to or because I was *ahem* horny or because I just couldn't bear to reject him and have him mad and upset.
He's upset now because the things I said today make it sound like I was using him for sex. I guess in some ways I was.
I don't know what to do.
I told him I want him to followup on his words with actions. eg breaking up with E, going to counselling etc. He won't give me a straight answer and keeps focussing on 'but I just want to be with you' without committing to some things that I need from him. Fair enough he says he's also worried things won't work out but I said that I refuse to be the OW and that he is keeping a foot in both camps.
Should I cut him loose again and tell him to leave me be or take one more chance with him? So many of my friends know all the details *cringe* because I was so sure I was done....I don't know whether to listen to my pride and my head or give him yet another chance.
So far all he has given is words. If he can't give actions, I wouldn't expect this time around to be different than before. I wouldn't be to quick with the D. You can visit that later if desired.
Lay it on the line for him. (which I think you've done) Be for warned however, that it is very common for the WAS to oscillate between you and the OP. Wanting the former, but not wanting to let go of the other until they know things are on solid footing.
Piecing is not easy. It will test you. Follow your heart, but don't ignore your mind.
LT, Your decision seems pretty straightforward to me. You two are separated. He's still involved with someone. He wants to come home. NO
I don't think wanting to come home should be enough for the WAS to come home. Piecing is going to be very difficult if there is an OP involved. You will be bringing turbulence into your life.
You have leverage and power to set limits with the R. Use it wisely. Don't squander it.
You can maintain a friendship if you like. A connection with him may encourage him to reconsider his R with the OP, and make a commitment to you at some point.
He has to earn a second chance. It shouldn't be a free pass.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
He had asked that we do something last night (I couldn't cos I had water polo) and also spend time together this afternoon/evening. I wanted to go salsa dancing but I have a sore leg at the moment so I suggested that he come around and help put training wheels onto d's bike. He was happy to do that until he 'realised' that he felt that I used him for sex. I left him a message saying I would call last night after I got d to bed. I didn't even get d into bed until after 9pm (tis holidays here) adn I was still reading to her when he sent me a text saying "so much for ringing me, I'm going to bed". I texted back saying I was still putting d to bed and then rang him but it went to his message bank. I have rung him again this morning to re-invite him to come around this afternoon but I had to leave a message. Urgh...he's going to play the "i'm so hurt" card.
His g/f is away at the moment so he said he couldn't break up with her straight away. Not happy 'bout that, however on reflection, it's probably not fair to expect him to ring her out of the blue and call it quits...or is it?
He said he think she's coming back on Saturday. How long should I give him to break up with her? I would like to insist that it happens ASAP...is that fair? I can always say that d and I will spend time with him doing things but I won't be going to his place at all and he won't be staying overnight here and definitely no ML until I have proof that he has broken up with her. I can wait him out. I just have trouble dealing with his hurt feelings and moody behaviour when he sees me as 'playing games' with him. What is reasonable for me to insist?
Okay, concidering that he is the one that wants to come back I think that H should break it off with OW asap. I am going through this whole Ow and piecing thing right now too. So I have done a lot more reading of the DR and it says NO CONTACT. If he wants this then he has to put some sort of effort into it. This doesn't mean then when he breaks it off with her that he is not going to mourn the loss of the A. He will. And give him that much. But he needs to end it now or he is just cake eating.
At some point he is going to have to acknowledge your feelings on all of this and make you feel more secure with what he wants. Ending it immediately wil be a good start. There has to be no contact and he needs to tell her that he is recommitting to his M. If he can't do that then he needs to stay away until he can.
And I really don't think you need to over think the ML part of all this. There is no right or wrong when it comes to ML to your H. If he feels used ten so be it. It was still a connection for him and he probably needed that. Go with what feels right. I hope all works out for you.
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
Thanks WAS...I'm having a hard time expressing to him what I expect. I always end up feeling that I'm the one being unreasonable when I feel that h is just riding on emotion and whatever feels right to him at the time. He doesn't appear to think things through and have a plan in place of how to fix things, other than to do the things that he wants to do which is spend time with us and ML. Unfortunately I need a whole lot more than that in order to reconnect properly. I guess that's what happened the other day. I ML with him but didn't really connect with him.
Well I just got a text from him to say that he had cancelled his clients for late this arvo. I hope this means he'll be over here soon to spend time with us. I'd better go and get ready and get my 'chores' done before he gets here so we can have quality time!
keeps focussing on 'but I just want to be with you' without committing to some things that I need from him ============================================== scaryly similar to my H who confesed he made many desicions just so he wouldn't be alone...eventually the novelty of being home faded and he was back to his miserable self, I endured this for months. Listen to the above and do not let him in until you both reach to an agreement. Yes, he should break up w/her ASAP, sadly, it usually doesn't happen fast enough, they drag their feet afraid to hurt the ow, so watch out. About ML, please be careful about STDs, you dont' know where the gf has been.
Quote:
He has to earn a second chance. It shouldn't be a free pass.
I gave my H 2 free passes and he took me for granted and stepped all over his promises, I made it too easy for him to stay/come back and H learned nothing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks Cat....I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.
RE STDs, we used protection cos I went off the pill back in Nov when I ran out. I thought there was no point being on the pill, it would be one less expense and I wanted to see how my body coped with being natural for a while (was hoping it would help lose weight, but no such luck ...poo!)
I think he just doesn't want to be alone. He has admitted it a while ago but I don't think he is thinking like that any more. He realises that he wants to be with me but is acting like words and ML is enough for me. I should take him at his word. sorry buddy, but I've been screwed over quite a few times now and I am very sceptical.
I think I have to expect that things will be slow in breaking up with E. btw, she is not the original OW we were separated before he started up with her, though I do still consider this to be adultery. The earliest that I could expect him to break up with her is Sat. Given how hurt he is feeling from me using him yesterday, he doesn't know whether he can spend time with me right now. At least it looks like he is trying by coming around today. I just hope he can put on a happy face for d's benefit and act 'as if' for our benefit.
H says he wants to be with you. Good. It's up to you to let him know what the conditions are that will allow that. It's completely reasonable to expect your spouse to be emotionally and sexually faithful to you and your marriage.
If he wants to play games by not answering the phone, etc., then you can send email/text to tell him, respectfully, the important information he needs about your daughter, shared financial responsibilities, etc.
Many unfaithful spouses want to act hurt, because it will distract attention from the fact that what they're doing is wrong. A little empathy on his part now would show him how much more hurt you felt over his betrayals outside the marriage.
I don't really understand what his hurt is about. It's not like you ml to him with someone else taking a priority in your life. It's not that he broke up with ow and then you spurned him. I think it's sheerly a ploy to confuse the real issue, i.e., he's involved with someone else and hasn't ended it.
Hang in there!
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
