It's not over 'til it's over, Cat. And the fat lady hasn't sung yet. I think there's plenty of reason for hope in your sitch. But it's good tactics to cut him loose now. Best wishes, thinking of you. (You're obviously a winner, so no way you can lose)
each and everyone of your posts mean so much to me, only the C and one IRL person know my story, thanks for literally holding me up and being the answer to my prayers Tomorrow we'll talk with the C at 12pm, pray pray for me guys))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
just great, I wanted to get this over with, but lo and behold H has to go stay in court all morning due to his job, he is there right now and will barely make to his shift as it is. ARGHHHHHHH! I wanted so badly to talk about this sitch grrrrrrrrrrr. We reschedule for tomorrow at 3.
Well, more time for me to STOP worrying, worrying is not trusting that God has this in control.
Just found out (not from H) that ow was planning details and being the head leader to the supposed D that was supposed to be final this March (H admited it was a stupid thing to tell her, there wouldn't be a final D come March). She wanted H to take the house from me, take the kids (portray me as an unfit, neglectful, abusive mother), to file charges against me (protective order for her, she said I was wielding a knife when I went to her condo that day) That she'd take care of the kids and would finance the the D "no matter the cost". That I was emotionally disturbed and a threat, that she was "on task" and personally involved in this matter to make sure the D would happen.
Doesn't look like a sad confused person to me, more like the harpy from hell.
I knew from H that he'd told her some unflattering things about me, but not all this crap! no wonder he feared for his life at the thought of ow telling me all the stuff he told her to appease her, prob because of the blackmail or perhaps some of those stories about me were said back in 05. I was fuming when I found out, but now I realized it was a product of H's panicked-asscovering-lying-fried mind. He knows very well that all that crap would never in a million years hold in court, he just led ow on an on...
OK, deep breath .... God has this sitch in His hands, I know He does.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
That is the weirdest story of them all. She's going to finance his divorce. Isn't she the woman who needed him to pay to fix her car? Isn't she a prostitute? She's going to be a fit mother for your children and you're not?! This is sheer insanity!
oh, the money wasn't for her car (he lied and told me it was for his car, money she lent him that he needed to pay back), it went to pay her condo fees and mortgage (H told me how "outrageous" her home bills were, how she had 5$ in the bank, ow must've cried him a river.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
That she'd take care of the kids and would finance the the D "no matter the cost".
-- oh this is so damned funny! I guess she'll finance the D by selling porn pics and flogging her body on the street. What a player! What a trooper! What a martyr! She'll make the ultimate sacrifice: her soul for someone else's husband --
Doesn't look like a sad confused person to me, more like the harpy from hell.
-- you could be right --
I knew from H that he'd told her some unflattering things about me.
-- I knew from a different source, see my post below --
Hi Cat, sorry that you've been put on 'hold' for now, I know how frustrating that can be, how much it acts to get a person all strung out. So we'll just hang out with you, keep you company in the interim, tell a few jokes, exchange a few nuggets of information.
Here's how I knew that H had said some unflattering things about me to OW (ie, was talking behind my back -- the ultimate betrayal, the worst thing a friend can do) I knew it from reading dozens, maybe even hundreds of stories on MLC/EMA forums. (I'm the next thing to being retired, so I have plenty of time for research)
I read LBS stories and WS stories, also a few OW stories. For the thing to work, W has to be found wanting. Seriously deficient. For the lovers to proceed with their script and to retain their good self-images, W MUST be reduced to being the kind of person it is OK to betray -- otherwise the thing won't work. So I knew that H had done this, and I confronted him with it. He denied, of course, went back to virtues of xOW, how she 'wasn't out to destroy anyone's marriage'. But I'm not letting this issue drop, Cat, not that I'm pursuing it to the detriment of whatever gains we've made in R, but I'm not letting it drop, it is an important issue that needs to be resolved before I would ever entertain the idea of living with H again. And reading your story has simply strengthened my resolve. Thanks for continuing to tell your story. You're doing more good than what you might realize, and for people that might not ever get around to telling you this, like I have.
hey apple, I've read your sitch (not in the shape to post much yet) but, boy, you've been through a lot! thanks for sharing your wisdom and thanks for your support))))))
=========== For the lovers to proceed with their script and to retain their good self-images, W MUST be reduced to being the kind of person it is OK to betray -- otherwise the thing won't work ============= You have answered the question I was playing on my head over and over. Why would he go to such lenghts? such details? (he told her he suspected I abused the kids for a while now, HA!). I can just picture them both, her curled up on the couch, stroking his ego, saying "oh no, that's just terrible! you poor thing, what a b*tch!, you are so wonderful!" I am now just shaking my head at their castle of lies, one tormented person consoling another one, both totally blind.
I always wondered if he ever talked about me, I never got a clue even as I found the proof of his A last year in she shape of a box full of notes letters and picts. Never did I have a clue he'd talked so badly about me. I pity him, I'm not angry, he's just a poor wretched soul, God help him.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, I have been in your shoes. My H did equally crazy things. He had a very hard time breaking his addiction to OW. The only thing that saved me was physical separation. He had an appartment for a year. That took so much pressure off... you have no idea.
I remember one time finding out that he was still in contact wtih OW after numerous promises that he was not. I told him to go back to his appartment (we had been trying to repair our M even though he had his place). The relief I felt when he left that time was incredible. I went to bed feeling like a black cloud had lifted. I let him and his darkness go and focused on the bright lights in my life -- my kids.
The separation also did good for my H. It was only when H was alienated from his family that when he would to his deep thinking.
My point is... I believe that physical separation is absolutely necessary at this point. You are enabling him, as was I at one point. This is not a healthy way to live. With him out of the house, you can begin to let him go and focus on you. It's hard to stop worrying about him, but you must do it.
Your H is very messed up. The only way you can help him is to cut him loose (for now). Detach.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
i wish i could say i was surprised. i guess i'm just surprised it happened again so soon.
don't go down the road of what he said/did or OW said/did. it's just fruitless and adds nothing to your life, or the choices you have to make really. although it is an addicting road. as a person who had complete email access to my H's A correspondence as it happened, i am still randomly blindsided by things he said to her coming to my mind (ah, satan. he loves that). And H ended it TWO years ago today. And the fact that i still know the date he ended it, started it, did this, did that, bothers me. still.
point is: you will not get the clarity you need by focusing on what he did/she did, blah blah. your answers will not come from that part of the equation.
you are the only one with the whole story, cat, but if you wrote a bulleted list of what has happened to you since things went bad in Cat-ville the first time, you might see that you're trying to grab a fistful of fog by thinking this man will change any time soon, with no real consequences and his W not holding his feet to the fire.
kick him out, cat.
live your values.
it doesn't have to be permanent, honey, but these people posting to you are spot on: you cannot keep rescuing him, it's only perpetuating this cycle. he knows it subconsciously that he's still safe to treat you like sh!t and live this life on his terms.
no more, girl. you are so much better than this. and your children deserve a safe and happy home, and not a deceptive/lost father and the dynamic that brings into your house.
okay, i'm not going back to edit this and make it nice-nice, so this is just my off-the-cuff reply to reading your current sitch.
{{{cat}}}
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I let him and his darkness go =========================== I see what you are saying, you've put into words what I feel when I see H in one of his moods (which is most of the time), that part of me that wants to detach pulls at the other part of me that wants to play cheerleader and make things "allright" and make him happy.
he knows it subconsciously that he's still safe to treat you like sh!t and live this life on his terms. --------------------------------------------------- and he has, has had no qualms at all about lying to me during our C sessions, as weeks went by of me holding so much hope and believing on him YET another time after i said "if you do this one more time..."
If he comes up with "i can't bring myself to tell ow the truth and stop thinking of only her pain" then that will be my signal to step out of this misery. SHe will never, ever leave him/us alone as long as she believes all his lies, that he will have an R with her after his D from the psycho wife, as long as he keeps trying to rescue her, which is something he wanted to do so badly last time we talked R. He will never truly try his all as long as he harbors ow as the innocent victim and doesn't have my interests in mind first.
It's day 3, C was cancelled, so is Friday's appt (H has court Friday) and C isn't available Saturday. I'll try to contact him and see if he can see us anyways, or will try our other C, the one who saw right through him last summer and who warned me before Christmas about H's false earlier promises. I really really wanted a C to be present while we talk. He calls me from work, talks a bit, we chat briefly, still calls me by my pet name at the end of his convos-- I don't, it just doesnt' come out, I always started our convos w/a happy "hey sweety!!", but now I'm like him when he came back in 06 'hey' or a simple 'hi'. I am not trying to be anything (aloof, coy) I dont' do mind games anymore, this is how I feel, and his talking to me "normal" can't make me think that he is feeling alright about us, he can just be being "nice" to spare my feelings. No expectations at this point, God is giving me strenght. I want HIM to do things right for me this time around, not the other way, if he still clings to ow then good luck to him, I dont' want to be around while he mourns her and disregards my feelings.
what he said/did or OW said/did. it's just fruitless and adds nothing to your life, thank you honey, I was for a while trying to pinpoint when he said which lie to make up for the fact I contacted her and went to her place. You are so right, it adds nothing to my life, only brings me down, and I can't let that eat me.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
