Never mind what you _intended_ when you said the things that she believes is emotional abuse - what you need to consider is _how she interpreted_ what you said. It's like thinking about sexual harassment or bullying in the workplace - the perpetrator may think it didn't mean anything or 'it was just a joke' but it doesn't matter (according to the law) what you meant by it, but how it was received. If you have been told that what you say/do is emotional abuse, you have to listen and change your behaviour/words. Listen to what she is telling you and try to listen with an open mind. You may not have meant it that way, but she has received it differently. This is the ghost/shadow that you have to deal with. This sounds like what she wants you to do...the wounds run deep - just as deep as physical abuse does. In some ways it's even worse because the damage is psychological and cannot be seen. I've been (and to some extent, I still am) in your wife's shoes wrt to saying to you that you have been emotionally abusive. However, the difference between our sitches is that I have been faithful - my h has not. I have hit my h in frustration, anger and despair and more than once though I don't clearly remember the occasions. He has only ever laid hands on me once (Nov 07) but on that occasion he very clearly threatened me with physical harm. I know it's not right to list the transgressions to see who is at greater fault but I truly believe my h has a lot more work to do to regain my trust. I have a lot (a huge amount) to do in order to maintain boundaries and respect for myself and I would love to be able to work out if I really want to be with my h or if I am just scared that I am not worthwhile to be in a healthy relationship.
sorry to ramble, but you hit a nerve with me when you minimise your wife's pain (yes she is doing the wrong thing now by being unfaithful) about denying emotinoal abuse. find a counsellor who has dealt with this sort of thing. Say to him/her "my wife believes I have emotionally abused her. I don't understand and I don't think I have. Help me to see it from her point of view and tell me what I need to do to regain her trust.".
