Maybe there is a third alternative here that you can find. Something that expresses that you are strong and independent but that you are not taking any of his crap anymore. Set a boundary in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. How do you want H to see you? I think something a bit more funky and upbeat.
I totally agree with this! I want to sound upbeat and in control. When I sound sad, H beats himself up about it...I'm thinking a little about that.
Look forward to hearing what you've come up with. I'm trying to think what One Day would do.... we've got to think of something as fabulous as fake nipples!
my internet connection is acting up. I'm thinking about starting a conversation with him and when he tells me about the house, saying something to the manner of "wow, that sounds beautiful. I would love to see it!"
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
How about something like "too bad you havent got me there to help you decorate"? Something that says that you are fabulous and he is really missing out by not being with you. ???
or
"Too bad I'm not with you so that we could laugh about how your mom drives you crazy. Oh well... it sucks to be you! Fortuantely for me I'm going to be out and about this weekend doing xyz" said in a light cheery tone. (maybe the "sucks to be you" bit is a bit much?!?)
That's the best I can come up with (I'm very in-experienced, I always tried to be the 'nice' girl).
Do it if it will make you feel strong. If not then I'm back to not responding at all. Sorry I'm not up to play on your situation, but have you ever not responded, and if so what were your results?
You are fab, and your H is definitely crazy to be missing out on you.
I agree with what Jeff said, if you're trying to set a boundary it's not at all clear, in Guy Terms, from that email... And also, maybe something funky and upbeat???
I worry a bit about that part. Because he will think, why can't she see it? Oh, that's right, I moved out on her! And she is upset, and wants me to return, and the pressure is to great and my head is going to explode, I hate her, I hate her, I HATE HER!
So, just IM'd H a little. We didn't even get into the house part, just joked around about his mom. I told him that he should enjoy this time with his mom b/c I'm sure she appreciates having him there.
I just think i'm tired of "acting as if" everything is going to work out. I'm just tired of it.
I love being his friend. I truly do. I just HATE him being w/ OW.
I'm going to bed. He's going to be down there for the rest of the week, so I'm sure I'm going to need more input tomorrow.
Nighty Night all.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
I just think i'm tired of "acting as if" everything is going to work out. I'm just tired of it.
I love being his friend. I truly do. I just HATE him being w/ OW.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!! Sometimes i feel like, why is this so much work?! Why is it so hard for me, yet not so much for him? Why am I still here?
I love being H's friend. I HATE him being with OW. It's like, if he is my friend and he did love me as a friend, why would be so blatantly disrespect me and our family?
Girl, you took the words right out of my mouth.
*dated at age 12- 15 (me) and age 13-16 (him) *reunited at age 19 (me) and age 20 (him) *me 23, H 25 *married 3 1/2 years, 1 d *dropped ILYBINILWY bomb on 12/19/07 *moved out same day, PA with OW confirmed
Hey Beth! It's me and I'm awake (not that amazing as it's 3:30 in th afternoon, but I'm patting myself on the back anyway!)
So, I was thinking about your message and the boundary setting- looks like you loads of feeedback here yesterday, so not sure if it's worth me posting too, but I will anyway!
In one of your posts, you mentioned that you want to be H's wife, and that you hate OW being around. I think I understand some of that feeling, and it's awfully hard to deal with.... My take on it is that my positive contact with H raises my expectations, so I think I should be the only one in his life, and be involved in it(as we have a great time together). But I'm not in his life; SHE is. Makes me mad at H, because how could he be doing this?!! I don't know if it's similar for you, but I am trying to deal with it by focussing on baby steps, and trying to maintain NO expectations about the future....but it does make acting AS IF hard.....
Anyway (sorry for the rant, by the way!), I thought the contact about the house sounded like a good interaction, and something of a baby step. Also the funny story about the woman on the plane....
I do agree that setting a boundary would be a 180; it had a positive effect when you stood up to H a while ago didn't it too? My only concern would be that if he is making baby steps and building communication, we don't want to scare him off. Is there any chance he is talking to you about the house because he KNOWS you loved being part of that and he is trying to keep you involved, even in a small way?
So given that, this is what I would put into the e-mail if I was writing to H:
"Have fun in Florida. Sounds like you'll be busy with sorting out all the layout and colours- especially as I won't be there to offer my expert advice and exquisite good taste, so good luck with that. Speak to you soon"
I realise this doesn't set any kind of boundary at all- personally, I would set a boundary in person or on the phone, as I think e-mail can come across a little harshly sometimes. Is there contact expected tonight aswell? If so, and thee house comes up, maybe yu could bring it up gently by changing the subject away, or just saying 'gosh, why don't we talk about something else? I'm really missing being involved in that project and don't want to have to come down there and take charge'
Hang in there Beth- you are doing brilliantly! ((()))
Speak to you soon"