Well, now I have to write something! I hoped Lisa would take care of it!
OK, it isn't pressuring, so that's good. And I see you are trying to set a boundary. But I wonder if you might not be being direct enough? I think you need to have a sentence that says exactly what you want, or don't want. He's a guy, and that's not in there in the current form, so he isn't going to see it.
What do I want: I want to be in his life as his wife and be involved in these things.
If I'm not going to be his wife, it really hurts me right now to "act as if" we are going to be together while I know he is with OW. It makes it harder for me to let go.
What do I want: I want to be in his life as his wife and be involved in these things.
If I'm not going to be his wife, it really hurts me right now to "act as if" we are going to be together while I know he is with OW. It makes it harder for me to let go.
I want to ask him, "what is your point in sharing all this with me?"
Hi Beth. I've been reading you posts as we share similar situations with QLC Husbands. Please ignore my advice if you dont think it fits, cause I'm no expert, just thought it might be helpful to have another point of view.
I say dont respond at all. Nothing. Dont acknowledge the email at all. That sends a pretty clear message that you dont want to know these little details about what he is doing. To me that seems better than making a point of it. Somewhere in the DB book it talks about how men respond better to actions than words. (It was an A-HA! moment for me when I read it, so I've hgihlighted it!) This is a generalisation, but as females we tend to want to talk eveything through, and communicate. But men respond best by actions and non-verbal communication. That's why I think you not responding is the best way to send your message that its not OK.
Of course I dont know your full situation. But it might be good to go back and look at what you are acutally trying to achieve, and see if the email will be likely to bring about that result. I kind of think it will leave H feeling like he cant contact you at all about anything.
Maybe he's not deliberately trying to hurt you - maybe he is just looking for some common ground to make a baby step back towards you. It just happens that this common ground is something that you feel sensitive about, and brings up old memories that are painful. (Of course you know best if this is the case or not). In my own experience I have worked out that my H is so overwhelmed by his own feelings at the moment, he really is oblivious to how his actions and words might make me feel (positive or negative).
I hope that helps - this whole thing just sucks so much. I am thinking of you.
There is a difference with me and I would love for you to respond and see if you feel different after I explain something about myself:
I wasn't like normal women who talked everything through. I would always bite my tongue, ignore our problems. So, me not saying anything is my "same old thing". A 180 for me is to stand up for myself and set boundaries (b/c I never set boundaries before).
So, what do you think now with that information?
The thing is...the reason why I mind hearing about the Florida house is because it makes me sad that I'm not going to be a part of it. Right now, he is still w/ OW, hasn't made any changes with her. So, it hurts my feelings hearing about something that I won't ever get to enjoy.
So, i'm not quite sure if this is a good place for me to set a boundary? Or would it be better for something else? I've been searching the boards all day and reading about setting boundaries, but no one seems to have a similar situation as me.
A possibility I'm also thinking about doing is just calling him and talking about it. Gently saying to him, I'm curious to see why you talk to me about this stuff? "am I going to get a chance to enjoy this house? If not, than it hurts me to hear about something that was taken away from me."
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Oh Beth, I wish I was there to give you a hug. I also wish I knew what the right thing to say is. Unfortunately I'm the opposite woman - talked everything to death and bought everything up to be a big emotional confrontation (oops!).
When I read your possible to email to H there is a sense of a bit of a guilt trip, and a bit that you are not really in control of your emotions. That's just an observation (believe me I've done the guilt trip and hysterical emotions a million times more than your email, but my H just switched off!). So I'm going to assume that your H is going to pick up on the sadness too.
Is this what you are aiming for? Do you think this will draw him closer to you? It might - I have no idea - of course you know him better than me!!
Maybe there is a third alternative here that you can find. Something that expresses that you are strong and independent but that you are not taking any of his crap anymore. Set a boundary in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. How do you want H to see you? I think something a bit more funky and upbeat.
What do you think? (again please ignore if I'm way off line!)
One option is to not respond at all. It's kind of passive aggressive, perhaps, but it might send the message that you don't want to talk about it. Don't really like that answer, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
((((((Beth))))))
Now I see Essie already said that. So I like it better than I did before, though I am not 100% convinced. Still thinking.
Maybe there is a third alternative here that you can find. Something that expresses that you are strong and independent but that you are not taking any of his crap anymore. Set a boundary in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. How do you want H to see you? I think something a bit more funky and upbeat.
I totally agree with this! I want to sound upbeat and in control. When I sound sad, H beats himself up about it...I'm thinking a little about that.
