I was wondering why my first post had no views, apparently it's broken. Bummer because it was a long one.
Currently we've been together 7 years, married 4+ and separated 40+ days. We also have a S4 that is the light of our lives.
We've had an unhealthy relationship for years and it's my fault. When we first met I was getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship and found she was everything I wanted. We were both blissful, until I screwed it up. 3 months into the relationship I went back and slept with my x-wife. I don't have any excuse or reason for it, believe me I've searched for one, and I've been profoundly sorry every since. But I accept the consequence of my actions and have tried to make up for it over the years. My wife has, perhaps understandably, been unable to forgive this transgression and it has caused resentment and frustration to build over the years. So that every slight brings up emotions from the past. It has also been hard on her self esteem. She knows that when that happened she should have been able to get through it or end the relationship, but did neither and blames herself for that.
A year ago we went to counseling, I know we should have gone years earlier but hind sight is 20/20. The counseling didn't do much for us because neither of us could be honest and really we needed psychological therapy at that point, not relationship guidance. She also went to individual counseling for anger control issues relating to the above infidelity. They didn't help her any with that but referred her to the Dr. who gave her anti-depressants. Those seemed to have fixed the anger problem but left her flat and empty feeling.
Over the next year we drifted apart due to me continuing to be self centered and her lack of emotions due to the meds. In November she ended up in an emotional affair that lasted 3 weeks and got physical at the very end. When I found out I confronted her and she fessed up to everything. She stopped seeing him but needed me to move out because she couldn't live with me until she got her issues sorted out. After a week of pleading and promising I agreed to move out.
Been separated 40 some days now and things started off optimistically but have gone down hill since. Since we first separated we talked every day on the phone and I visited twice a week to have dinner and do my laundry. When we talked on the phone it was more talking and better communication than we've had in the last year. When I'd visit it was pleasant and I'd go out of my way to make her happy. Over the past weekend she seemed bothered and I asked her what was wrong. She said that while we were apart she was waiting to see if she missed me and hoped that she would and want me to come back, but that she hasn't. She said she does love me, but doesn't feel it in a romantic way. Guess that's "love you, but not in love with you".
On my part I'm really torn up, I was devastated by the affair, but I understood why it happened and I know I can get over it. I find myself now "in love" again with my wife. Much like when we first got together. Perhaps it's from realizing what I had and am losing. I've been going to individual counseling since this started and it has been very eye opening. Learned a lot about myself and why I am the way I am. I have some issues that have caused me to be selfish, distant and to take her for granted. She has always made these claims, but now I see it myself. My therapist and I are convinced that we can change the beliefs I have (mostly stemming from low self image) and thus change my behaviors.
I feel confident that I can make the changes to be the man she needs, but I don't know that she can resolve her issues. She has been seeing a psychiatrist, but in three appointments he has only changed around her meds. She hasn't been able to talk to a therapist yet.
I don't feel very optimistic at this point. She has told me that she wouldn't have had the affair if she thought there was any hope of saving things.
Any advise from the pro's out there or those that have been here? Is it possible to start missing someone again? Can I get the love back?
I know either way I'm on a long road until the end, but I want to know if there's hope or if I should focus on moving on.
Hmmmm we are all in a the sinking boat. Very slowly sinking to the depths of darkness never to resurface again.
Sorry I am not helping here. I am in a similar situation MC.
Part of what i read of your post is your W had an EA and then later a PA. Well that happened with my estranged W. But we were separated and it was with an ex work colleague. She had ended it. The PA was very brief I think. Mine did it as she was getting attention and she felt desired again. Low self esteem. Later she felt like a 'tramp'. She doesn't feel good about it. But shes concentrating on her and our daughter for now in there new home. But you just can't tell can you with the internet and mobile phones. Technology has enabled us to have wider friends and easier contact. It scares me to death! So easy to flirt with other men. So I just have to believe her
Hang in there.
Me: 41 estranged W:37 D:16 mths M: June 2006 together Sept 2004 Separated in Separate beds from end of April 2007 S: from marital home Aug 2007.
I hear you, MySpace is EVIL. Read through enough forums and you'll be amazed at how many affairs were made possible by this site.
But seriously, my wife's affair was much the same. Someone was giving her the attention that I wasn't and I was too self absorbed to even notice. So many things I want to kick myself for. She also feels dirty and ashamed and doesn't understand why I'm able to forgive her. Sometimes I think she is doing this to punish herself.
I appreciate Fishman's endorsement of my plight. So in a nutshell, I was there where you are almost to a tee. Some slight differences in my sitch and your's but overall the same flavor.
I have never figured out how to post my thread links on my sig so you may want to search my stuff and read away.
Here is some quick advice that I would have for you other than what is obbvious:
1) Affirm everything. This does not mean that you need to sell out, but affirm her feelings about you, the weather, the preident EVERYTHING at this point. I am still doing this and it is so helpful. There are times when you will feel it is "right" to offer more than affirmation but be cautious.
2) Listen to her...really! This was one thing that Dom really pushed into my head. This means listen to her verbal ques as well as non-verbal. She will tell you what she wants and how she wants it. So start to pay attention to her cues.
3) Accept the reality of the situation... I think this is where many of us screw up. Face it man, you are seperated and on your way to a D. There is no way to sugar coat the obvious! The reality of your sitch is that your life is screwed up, your marriage is failing, your child is suffering, your job will suffer etc etc etc. There are some on this board whom subscribe to the positive thoughts school. I disagree, my situation changed dramatically once I accepted the possibility of my situation! Does that make any sense to you? Accept that one day this may all be over and you will be starting again, feel the pain and burn. Become one with that and then....
4) Don't give up... you will see so many mistakes in my posts that one would think would be deal breakers. I can not tell you how many times my sitch became so heated that I thought for sure she would just disappear with my kids. But, even after some of those mistakes, I took inventory of what I was working for and keep at it.
5) Lastly - - - Focus on what works and change quickly what doesn't. I am not sure that DB'ing is the same for every person. Every marriage is different, every person is different etc. Once you read my posts you will realize that I am the last person who should have made it back in the house and back in my wife's life. I was a jerk, a liar, a cheat, an a hole, you name it I have done it. Please don't respond with "But Hound I did this and this and there is no way she'll forgive me etc." BS dude, because I have done it all to my wife and I am still kicking!
The difference is I have focused on what works! I have changed when it hasn't and I have made darn sure that I am making an concerted effort to fix me first. My marriage has been a by product of me getting my stuff together. Also, please don't think that my progress was made in the 8 weeks I was seperated as I began to see my IC 7 months ago. So I would love to offer you the quick plan to save your seperation in 8 weeks but it just does not work that way!
So, read through my posts. I travel more now that I did before so I have a hard time getting on the site but a few times a week, but I will keep an eye on you.
You can make this if YOU want to!
Do or do not there is no try (for other Star Wars dorks out there).
Good Luck!
Hound!
2)
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Thanks for the encouragement Houndfan! Not a lot of success stories out there really, I'd like to think that when things are successful people are too busy to come back and post their updates.
So I've read through most of your posts and boy have you been through a lot. What a turn around this has been for you, congrats!
The biggest difference I see is that my W isn't hostile towards me. We actually get along better than we did before, she just can't live with me and can't sort out her feelings toward me.
It's really driving me nuts. One day she says she doesn't think there's much hope for the future and she feels like she is leading me on by spending time with me. The next night she texts me while I'm out and wants me to come over afterwards and visit. She was having issues dealing with her fathers death in November and needed some support. Ended up staying the night. It's a pendulum with her, don't know how she's going to feel one day from the next. I theorize that when her dad died she emotionally shut down and hasn't been able to deal with anything since. She still hasn't dealt with that and probably wont be able to sort out her relationship issues until she does. It's hard to give her the space she says she wants when she's often the one contacting me.
Wish they'd just make it easy and tell us what they want.
