I posted elsewhere on this site but only received one response. Since this is what I beleive is happening in my R, I put my basic situation and questions in the mid-life section: Me: 53 Wife: 45 Married: 10 years Son: 9 Daughter: 6 The ILYBNILWY Bomb drop: mid Oct 2007
It seems my W has many, if not most, of the symptoms of a mid-life crisis as they apply to women. Feeling trapped by the M, no longer in love with me, obsessed by her looks, wants a pick-up truck, wants to raise horses, wants to sing on stage, etc., etc. She also had a brief PA with someone 20 years younger. Fortunately, the guy lives several states away and has no cell phone or computer.
After a couple of MC sessions that went nowhere, my wife decided that she has to move out. So, she found a place and will be moving out in early February. However, she does not want to divorce, even though she doesn't see us getting back together.
Most of the past two months have been fairly amicable (and painful), I've mostly done a good job at being detached (with a few bad slip-ups) and realize that there is absolutley no chance of us getting back together without a separation.
I've also seen an attorney and know how I can protect my assets going forward. I am working on myself (for myself and nor for her) and am essentially planning to be the best Dad I can be to my kids
Here are my questions....... 1. How much (or little) should I see her once we are both in separate places. My instinct is to see her as little as possible but to be nice during the times I do have to see or interact with her becasue of the kids. 2. My W thinks we should still get together as a family on Sundays. This strikes me as weird, because we're not a family and it seems like she is trying to have it all ways. I'd like to believe that several months or a year on her own in the real world will help make her come to her senses and that the more we act like a family that is still intact, the less likey she will be to realize what she's given up.
Any other thoughts or advice would be appreciated. L7
Sorry you are going throught this. My wife was a similar age as yours when this all started. Initially every thing was amicable, I just treating her as a friend etc.
Her initial suggestion was to live in close proximity, have sundays together, for me to be part of the kids lives etc.
Well things changed dramaticaly, from acting as if I had the cooties, to just grunting at me.
I certainly agree with your approach to No. 1 it does not pay to reduce yourself to their level and act hostile. Take the high road.
No. 2. Well! If this is MLC, I would not put money on this actualy happening. They would have to be of sound mind, to stick to this. Read the resources, they will either take their offspring as a possession, to use as a pawn, or reject them as well, as this is a reminder of a life they want rid of.
Time will tell, unfortunately. Just divert your love to you children. They are the unfortunate victims of this mess, but you do not need me telling you this.
Hi Jack, at the moment working in Switzerland, very beautiful, and the people are so courteous. Just some hurtful reminders keep popping up. However much our spouses want out, they cannot truly get rid of us. So sad, as you know wife is making arrangements for my son's 18th, and excluding me, should be intersting when he gets married and/ we have grand children.
You asked what I would have differently if I was Lor. I dont think I would, I would remain pleasant and leave her well alone, perhaps even help her find the door.
It was the 2.5 years we spent in the house together, it was a living hell!
And other than offering my sympathies...I didn't have much to offer. Except this man. Your son is at the height of his teen age selfishness with a person who is and always has indulged him and his wants.
One day he will realize what an amazing person his father is, just like his sister. All boys eventually seek out a father figure, until they find one they will remain boys.
Didn't mean to hi-jack
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Smurf and Jack, Thanks for the comments. although I know anything is possible with someone in MLC, since my W was so horribly treated by her parents, she vowed that she would never abandon her kids. Me, yes, them never. If she were to really go off the deep end and walk away from them as well, she knows she would be leaving them the same legacy she had as a kid. I'm not saying it would never happen...it just seems highly unlikely given her past... But I get the point. Everything in her current life only serves to remind her about everything she "doesn't have" like her freedom. Thanks again for the rapid response. It is more helpful than you know. L7
L7 - If this is MLC, I would be careful about taking seriously anything she says now. It could change down the road. I would protect yourself financially - they do some crazy stuff with money when they are in this.
I would have a tendency to agree with you on limited communication. When my H was home - it was bad. The stress of having him here was unbelievable. Even though I didn't want him to leave - it is much, much better. We are all happier...except for him.
As far as Sunday get togethers - that is tough. We don't do it because we don't want to give our kids (D14 and D11) false hope that there won't be a D.
Are the kids staying with you?
Good luck - this is a rough road. You will need your strength, your patience and your humor!
I would let her steer the ship where communication is involved. I almost never call my W but she calls me almost every day. Sometimes many times in a day. When this forst happened it also help to have a rule of not contacting her to avoid putting pressure on her.
However, when she does contact you, always be nice. Whenever you are not nice, argue with her or really even disagree with her, it just reinforeces in her mind that she was right to leave. IMO You are best to be a contradiction to her impression of you whenever possible.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
