HELP!! my 25 y/o H walked out... maybe mlc? HELP!!

[darkestangel]

Today was officially the worst day ever.

Last week, I rear ended another car, but there were no damage. Or so I thought.

Today on the freeway, my hood flies up and smashes my windshield. I sat there, like a sitting suck, called the tow truck and called H's house, no one picked up.

Finally, I ate sh*t and called H's girlfriend, and left a message.

My BIL (H's older brother) lives nearby, so when I called he said he would pick me up in a bit and take me to go pick up d3 from preschool.

Still no sign of H.

I called his OW again once I got home, and told H (who picked up) what happened. H was pissed, and very much like, "Well, what do you want from me? Now I gotta start taking you to work again? What the f*ck do you want me to do?"

He said he'd come by tonight. What the hell do I do? In his head, he has no responsibility for our family.

My life is an emotional up and down roller coaster. Today is very very down.

[darkestangel]

Things are a bit better. I called the auto body shop and they picked up my car. I'm waiting for the car to come pick me up to take me to the car rental place.

I had asked H to pick up d3 for a few hours while I handle business, so i wouldn't have to drag her all over. But he had plans to hang out with his old friend, so whatever.

I understand what they mean by expect nothing. EXPECT NOTHING.

I called H and told him that things are being handles. he was like, "Oh look at you, taking care of everything." in my head I was like, Duh. What else am I supposed to do?

My brain is just mush tonight. They say He only gives you as much as you can handle. I keep telling myself that.

[Beth 83]

Hey, Just caught up on your situation...

In reference to what happened today...I'm soooo sorry. That situation sucks, but we are here for you, ok?

Let's see how your H is tonight when he stops by. If you read this before he stops by: Be strong. You did nothing wrong here, so if you need him to help you get to work, that is a responsibility he is going to have to deal with. If he gives you any attitude at all, stand your ground..

I'm going to write a separate post for you to talk in general.

[Beth 83]

Wow, our situations are very very similar, aren't they?

Considering your H's past, I would recommend "Make Up, Don't Break Up". It will help you understand why he acts certain ways. While I think DB and DR helps you in the current situation, that book helped me maintain my patience.

Why don't you tell me a little bit about how you were in your situation? Like, for me, I always bit my tongue, never stood up to H. Were you a nag? Honestly ask yourself where you played a role in the unhappiness of your marriage. Did you always let your H walk all over you? What role did you play? Identifying this will help you do 180s.

It really seems that you are doing well GAL.

This is going to be hard. When you cry, let yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve when you need to.

But...embrace your new body, 20 lbs lighter!! (I DID!)

[darkestangel]

I was a bit of a nag. it was so hard, H would go to work, come home and think he was done. I never felt like he met me halfway.

I started working p/t 3 months before he dropped the bomb. He wanted me to quit, and we argued about it alot. I felt we needed the extra money, and since d3 was starting preschool, I figured that I might as well work. We only had 1 car at the time, so it was hard. H worked graveyard, 5:30pm- 9:30pm, 11pm-3am. I worked 8am- 12pm.

Incidently, he told em today that he changed his schedule to 2:30pm- 11pm. OMG!! I asked him to do that our ENTIRE marriage so we would have time together we a family and we could be together at night. NOW he does it??

I am a nag, I admit. i wish now I would've kept my mouth shut. I wish now I would have been more on "his side".

A few days post-bomb, he told me he felt like he could never make me happy. He felt like he never deserved me.

He completley denies ever saying that now.

I did all the cooking, all the cleaning, msot of the d3 care. H spent lots of money friviously, and I spent very very little on myself. Too little in fact. Maybe if I had spent more and done less, there would be less resentment? Maybe if I had known this bomb was coming, I would've "leveled the playing field" a bit. I always felt like I had to pick up the slack, like I had to parent him too.

The last few months were very stressed. We hardly saw each other because of our opposite schedules, and when we saw each other, we bickered. I still carried the burden of taking care of everything in the house, worked p/t and enrolled in college. Before taking on the job, i told him that I would need his help because I couldn't do it on my own. That was in September.

BTW, H called. He's not coming by tonight. Said he had other plans. Gee, I wonder with who?

[darkestangel]

H and I both use Myspace.com, and we're still on each other's friends list.

H put up a Bulletin today (which is viewable by everyone on his friends list, including ow), saying, "This is the Kiss me or F*ck me game. If you would like to kiss me or f*ck me, send me a private message. I bet there are lots of you... and I'm single now...."

Knife right through my heart. Ran to the bathroom and threw up. He knew I would see it. I read it this morning, and later in the afternoon, when we were on the phone discussing the car problems, I said, "Hey- I read the bulletin you put up on Myspace." He just laughed, and said, "yeah."

[darkestangel]

I did baby H alot though. Even when we had NOOO money, he bought every video game and dvd that came out. He would stay home for a week or two at a time (he's union). He would buy $300 comic book figurines. He always joked that when it came to him, I was a "chump", as in I always spoiled him.

Near the end, maybe I resented that he wasn't willing to sacrifice anything material for the betterment of our family. Maybe he resented that since I didn't indulge the way he did, he always felt guilty.

Maybe right now, he justifies his affair because maybe he thinks, "She's a chump- she'll take me back." He's told me that I always put him and d3 first, before myself.

How do I 180 that? To NOT do things for him? I haven't done things/favors for him, but I haven't been cold to him. I've let him take care of his own messes (financially and whatnot) but when we talk, we usually have a friendly banter going on.

I will not call him, unless there is an emergency. I will not myspace him, or email him. I'm starting to think going dark is my only option.

Friday is d3's birthday. Maybe I should go dark after that?

[darkestangel]

Instead of being upset over his bulletin on myspace, I deleted him from my Friends List. I am actually quite proud of myself for doing it, and I feel much much better knowing that his actions on there will no longer affect me. Plus, my profile is set to Private. he won't have a clue what's going on in my (or d3's) life.

[Beth 83]

Hey, So sorry that you saw that. that was such a dick move on his part.

(((Darkestangel)))

He is doing things specifically to hurt you.

First things first. NO MORE NAGGING!!! I'm totally the opposite but have a friend who is a nag, so I'm a good person to talk to about this! Stop! Now!

And...I think with him being a jerk right now, it is best to just talk to him as infrequently as possible. I think it is GREAT that you deleted him from your friends list. GOOD JOB!!

[darkestangel]

Yeah, i read the DR book and stopped nagging him a few weeks ago. I don't mention OR at all, or our marriage, or divorce or anything anymore. He hasn't brought it up either.

H has been gone for 5 weeks today. I'm starting to get his past due bills in the mail, for his credit cards and his car payment. I just put all his bills together and give them to him when he comes pick up D3 on Saturdays. I don't mention his bills being late, I figure he's on his own now. He only has 2 credit cards, and a car payment to make.

I got left with ALL of the household bills, the rent, the insurance, etc. Half of the credit card debt is in my name, half is in his (our debt is ridiculoudly high, we have ALOT of debt. this is financial suicide for both of us)

H called tonight to see how I was doing. I was very upbeat, and chit chatted about d3 and our day. H seemed in a good mood, he said that he tried calling me earlier but I wasn't home I had heard his message, but didn't call back. H also complained that his mom & sis never give him messages when I call. he says he calls home when he goes out and asks if I called, and sometimes they say no when I had.

Ugh. Detaching is getting more doable every day. I truly do feel like I'm moving on to a life of my own, slowly but surely. Sometimes I think I don't want him back. Sometimes that all-too-familiar ache builds up in my chest when I realize that he's with another woman, and it may be for good. Up and down.

Incidently, I went to my chiropractor's today. I used to work there, and one of my old bosses (there are 3 doctors there) is a minister and does christian counseling for young married couples. Once a week, him & I have spoken on the phone since the bomb, and he reiterates alot of the DB principles and ideas. He has been so supportive of me, I've known him for 5 years now. He said that in almost every case, more than 90% of the time, married men who leave their wives for another woman come to regret it, he has seen it over and over again in the past 20-some years he's been counseling.
Food for thought?