Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

[JennyF]

H just IM'd me to ask if he could take S tonight for a few hours. He has D tonight for an overnight and he wants to take him as well.
I know I have to do this. It is good for both S & D....it's me that is having a REALLY hard time letting go.

I don't have a pumped bottle for him, I have a couple in the freezer but they won't thaw in time. So H would have to give him formula. Now I'm not opposed to the formula, but it just feels like it's making it too convenient for H.

I think my aprehension is twofold...
1) I am so emotionally wrapped up right now that it is hard for me to let S go...especially to H because I hate that he gets to have him when he doesn't deserve him. I know I have to detach from H, but it is really hard to detach from my kids this way. Not to mention how unfair it is to them.
2) It makes it real. That our lives are now separate and that it's either him and the kids...or me and the kids. And when they're gone I'm alone. It makes it real.

I know I have to be ok with being alone, finding myself and all that stuff...but I am really having a very hard time with this.

I haven't replied to his IM yet...I am going to call him, but not right away. I hate dealing with things like this electronically.

I hate this. I hate that I hate this. I hate that I am having such a hard time accepting this reality that it is actually holding me back and I know it!

The good news is that as I was typing this my counsellor called and I made an appmt for next week.
J~