Last night she came home from the Salsa dancing around 10 pm. She didn't come into my room to say anything. Eventually I went to our bedroom and she was reading. She said hi. I put on my sleep clothes. She asked me if I was going to bed and I just said 'no, going to watch TV'.
Came back 1/2 hour later to go to bed. She was still reading her 'how to live the life you were meant to live' book. I got in bed and faced away from her. She turned off the light.
A couple minutes later she said "Remember Mr X, the old guy from the class we took? He was there and was dancing" I didn't respond . Then I said "D17 went to bed early because she is still sick". We talked about her for a minute, then she said 'good night'.
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This morning W came into my office. Said she had to talk.
She told me that she was sorry she had been so mean to me so often in the past several years. She said it wasn't who she wanted to be and she needed to tell me this. Her tone was quiet, reserved and introspective.
I listened. Told her I forgive her.
There was an awkward silence. Then I said how I realized that there was a lot of work I hadn't done on my own issues and that if I had it to do over I would have made sure that we stayed in counseling and did the work we needed to do as individuals, and together, so we could get past the fears of asking for what we want.
I said that we have a lot of history and love between us and I believe that we are both at a point where our eyes are wide open and we can actually work on healing the hurt in our lives and in our relationship. That we really need counseling. She said she disagrees because it's been long enough, and she is 'done'.
She says it wouldn't have mattered because it was never meant to be fixed. She had 'asked' for what she wanted but I didn't listen to her. I didn't 'do anything'.
She said that we probably shouldn't have stayed together so long, that it was only a 'crisis' like the one we've been in for the past year that would finally push us to take 'action'. And that it's good for us because we're two people who need to move in different directions.
She says that she thinks I never felt 'safe' in our relationship and I told her that has been true for the past many years after the crash in my life, and after each time she has tried to leave but ended up coming back. I said that we failed to address those issues and to heal from the events. I mentioned that we did some things in the beginning of each 'reconciliation' but we didn't stick with it. We NEEDED to get counseling but failed to do it.
She said that she begged me to get help, that I told her I didn't need to go to 'AA' and was 'adamant' about not needing that kind of help. I told her that I had self esteem and anxiety issues and AA in the past had made them worse, not better. That I really needed help and support for my self esteem and anxiety but didn't reach out and ask for it because I thought I could fix myself, and I was ashamed that I was 'broken'.
I said 'If you really thought I needed to go to 'AA' or something else then you should have said "There is a meeting at 5 pm, took my had and dragged me there" Or said "We need help, I made an appointment with a counselor and we're going to it".
She said something like "yes, we talked about what we needed from each other, but we never took action. Now I'm taking action by letting you go"
She said the tension between us is hard for her to deal with. That the other day when we lay in the bed together, talked about things and I let her rub my back felt like we were 'connected' and that it would be nice if we could be that way more as we go through this.
I told her that I have a lot of pressure on me right now, that not only do I have to deal with all the crap that was on my back emotionally and financially in December but now I have to deal with her leaving so of course I'm not going to be fun. That I'm doing all this alone but I am getting help from friends and I now have a handle on what I have to do for myself.
She said she had a friend who had gotten divorced, has kids, etc. and was going to ask her about using a mediator that she knew who was also a counselor. She thinks it will be good for the kids, and she doesn't want to have to use a lawyer 'like last time' and be forced to say mean things about me. She says she didn't like that at all when she did it in 1999.
I told her that we weren't going to be in a financial position to do anything for a few months but that mediation is ok with me and I'm not going to try to stop her. She understands that it's going to take time.
When I asked her how she felt about me, she said "I feel like I'm letting you go, and I don't have to worry any more that I have to take care of you, or fix you". I said "that isn't a feeling, it's an action. Love, anger, hurt are feelings". She said "I feel like I'm letting you go and it comes with a lot of other feelings that change all the time and I'm feeling them as they come up".
We made eye contact most of the time and I saw hurt in her eyes, and anger at times.
I don't understand the need to make 'peace' with me during all this. I guess she wants to feel like we aren't going to be enemies or something. I also don't understand what 'letting you go' means. Or the need for the 'connection' between us while she is leaving.
Regardless, I'm done with the back and forth blame. I put my feelings out there for the last time. I told her I believed we could make it work if we would actually DO something but she is 'done'.
I let myself open up 2 days ago and got hurt by being hopeful. I'm not going to close down, but I am going to accept that there is nothing I can do to change this, only to change how I deal with this. Letting her go is the only choice that has been presented to me so that's the work I need to do now.
Feeling kind of sad, quiet, introspective. Not quite alone though. I have friends now.
