I am 34 years old. Married almost 10 years. Known my wife for 16+ years. We have 3 GREAT kids aged 7 (girl), 4 (boy), 15 months (girl).
We live in a great house, have a great neighborhood, great friends. She is a stay at home mom. I have a good job and while money isn't growing on trees, we have enough and always seem to be able to get what we need and want.
So, I have had some suspicions over the past few months that my wife has been attracted to one of our friends in the neighborhood. She always laughed a little too hard at his jokes, and there was always some sort of connection I (and his wife) was aware of. I chocked it up to being jealous and when I would ask her about it, she would say I was ridiculous and that she acted that way with everyone.
I wasn't willing to let it go, I did some snooping and found out that they have been having a full fledged passionate affair for months. I read every awful graphic detailed email of what they did together, and what they have been involved in. Needless to say, I was crushed.
When I first found out, I went immediately and saw an attorney and was so upset. I was just going to see what my options were. But as I drove around that day (January 15) after seeing the lawyer, I realized that what I want more than anything else in my life is what I already have. I love my wife. I love my kids. I love my life. I am still in love with my wife. I am very hurt by her, but I do still love her.
Our relationship the past few years has mainly consisted of raising our kids. The typical "busy" child-rearing years of life - raise kids, go to work, try to get a free minute to think for yourself. What we didn't do is make time for each other. I certainly take partial blame for that, and am willing to not let that happen again.
We have had numerous talks over the past week. We have covered all emotions. Man this is painful.
She says she is not sure if she can recover from what she did to me and us. She doesn't know if she has it in her to try to work it out with me. She doesn't understand how I can be so willing to work on this with her. I did get her to go see a counselor, and she said that helped. But it has only been one session. I guess that is something.
What really stinks is that the decision is completely in her court now. I have told her I am willing to explore forgiveness and that I will do whatever it takes to make it work. But it takes two people to make a marriage, one to make a divorce. So sad.
What I don't understand or can't believe that she doesn't understand, is that there is so much at stake here. Life as we know it will end. Our kids will most likely be destroyed and scarred. She will most likely be a social outcast. The OM and his family will be destroyed. All of this because she doesn't know if she can 'try' to make it work. I have let her know that I will never take time or life for granted again, but I need her to want to try.
She is not one who can be controlled, or responds well to "tough love" promises or being made to feel like she is being forced to do something she doesn't want to do. So I told her:
-- I will not monitor you. -- I will not question you. -- I will not talk about divorces or anything like that. -- I will not make angry promises to expose this to the other family involved, our friends, family. -- I will not try to force you to be someone who you are not. -- I will not use guilt as a tool against you. -- I will not try to control you.
I have also told her I will give her the time she needs to figure out her decision. What REALLY BOTHERS me is that she is still talking to the other guy. On day one of discovery, I first demanded that she cut off all contact - she did for about a day or two. Then she was like a drug addict without her fix. So she started talking to him again. The same lovely dovey disgusting emails. I swear they are like teenagers.
So, how do keep my dignity while letting her make her decision? When we are talking now, I am basically trying to prove my worth to her, but that is messed up. She should be begging me for forgiveness. But at the same time how do i deal with the fact that I am being betrayed on a daily basis? Ahhhh....so many questions.....
Do I keep trying to prove to her what I am, have been, and are capable of? I know I can't make her want to stay in it, but someone or something has to awaken her from this fantasy she is in and get back to the real world. I know her sister and best friend think she is not acting logically. But her affair partner has her ear right now, and she is only hearing what he is saying.
If anyone has any good tools or techniques to use, i would love to hear about them - I am going to buy "The Divorce Remedy" book in a few minutes. I hope it will have some answers. I am desparate.
-- I will not monitor you. -- I will not question you. -- I will not talk about divorces or anything like that. -- I will not make angry promises to expose this to the other family involved, our friends, family. -- I will not try to force you to be someone who you are not. -- I will not use guilt as a tool against you. -- I will not try to control you.
I have also told her I will give her the time she needs to figure out her decision. What REALLY BOTHERS me is that she is still talking to the other guy.
Of course she did. You gave HER all the power. Why does SHE get to decide the fate of your marriage, and your family?
She IS addicted, and until she ends all contact with the other guy, she will not be open to receive you. She needs to not only agree to that, but to set up a system of transparency with you whereby YOU are comfortable that she has done it.
But you have negated ALL of that with your promises to her.
Why do you feel the need to promise her ANYTHING at this point? Promise her you are willing to work to try and save your marriage, but ONLY after she agrees to end all contact with the other man, in a way that is transparent to you, her husband.
Until she does that, there's nothing to really work on.
I know this sucks -- I was just there, this past summer. My beautiful 47 year old wife and mother of our four children was having an affair with her 29 year old personal trainer. It felt like someone ripped my heart from my chest and put it in a CuisinArt. You need to get your power back, and soon. Right now, you are letting the one who made a horribly selfish, foolish, and destructive decision for your family, call all the shots.
I'm in a similar situation to you. My husband holds ALL the power. He decides (is deciding) the fate of 4 people. After 20 months he still hasn't decided.
Part of me wants to forget, move on, build a life. Another part of me (and he keeps that part alive) wants to try again.
But he doesn't want it as much as me. So I can't win.
If someone we love hasn't made up their minds in 20 months, then the problem lies with us. The time frame has to be yours, but if anyone had asked you going in "are you OK if this takes up to two years for him to decide?" there's no way you would have agreed to that.
Come up with a # that works for you -- maybe it's six months. Then, stick to it.
Man this sucks. I understand every word you are saying Choc. I HATE that I am having to be the bigger person, give up all of my values, and promise so much of what I don't think i should have to promise. But I konw for a fact, that if I push her to a decision, it will be over. If I don't give her the space, it will be over.
I do know she has to give up all contact with the other guy. I know she just isn't ready. If I threaten to leave now, I will be in divorce/custody court in a heartbeat. As much of a fool I am, I am still holding onto the dream that we can work it out.
Just went out and bought The Divorce Remedy book. There are a couple of pages in there about this situation (Unfaithful spouse not sure about leaving affair partner.) The books says I need to basically stop (most) talk about the affair and move on with my life. Get healthy, get some hobbies, do what makes me happy. (That sounds really tough right now.) The books says there is nothing I can do to push, plead, beg, pull her into a decision. She has to make it. So the only thing I can do is focus on me and the kids. Seems like there is a lot of risk in this, but I am just about to the point of giving it a try. I can't guilt her into this marriage.
She would be the biggest fool in the history of the earth if she decided to be done with me though.
I feel for you. I'm in exactly the same spot. Just found out about A last week and spent the weekend rethinking all the DRing I've been doing. All my goals, my recognition of small steps, everything out the window. That one small section in DR is the only thing that addresses what I can do.
My WAW has gotten steadily more adamant about not working on M, though, and has now started saying she wants a D, so even though I'm fighting hard for my M, I think this may be the only avenue open to me. The MC I went to, who was solution-focused and really good, said I had 2 options. Fight for her by talking to her friends and family about what I should do (she did not like hearing that) or kick her out of my life - said those are the things that work.
I'll keep checking your sitch - maybe we can learn from each other.
So, what should I do if I see the OM? The guy lives in my neighborhood for God sake. I know I will take the high road and say nothing, but it sure would feel good to give a glare or something.
I have to ability to monitor my W. What I mean is that I can see her phone records (cell, home), and her email still. For a week, I have been all over those things seeing what she is up to. But since I know she is still in the affair, so should I just stop looking? Everytime I read that garbage they are saying to each other I want to throw up. I have a desire to know, but I am not sure if it is helping or hurting me.
I am committed to trying to GAL. Only I can make me happy. No more depending on her. If she is an idiot and throws this away, I can't control her. I am just sorry b/c the people who will suffer the most will be our kids.
I have been reading lots of the posts. I thought I was alone in this, but it REALLY helps to know I am not the only one. Thanks to you all for being here. I will be on this site a bunch.
I am sure I will have more questions on how to behave. So many questions, so many emotions. This sucks!
I'm not telling you to "PUSH" her to do anything. What I AM trying to get you to do is to stop unilaterally disarming. You are making concessions she's not even asking for!
Like a President in a world crisis, keep ALL of your options on the table, and let her KNOW that you're keeping them all on the table. Your position is, "You are my wife, and I love you and I will fight for my marriage and my family, you're damned right I will."
Let her wonder what you're up to. But DON'T let her call all the shots.
There is nothing "bigger person" about being a doormat. Tell her you love her, if that's what you want, and then FIGHT for her. I never met a man (or a country) yet who could fight once they've unilaterally decided to take virtually all of their weapons off of the table.
Thx for the reply. I certainly don't intend on being a doormat. I can see where I have been the fool to try to give up so much of my pride and dignity so she will stay. Not going to do that anymore, that is for sure.
You said: "You are my wife, and I love you and I will fight for my marriage and my family, you're damned right I will." Funny you said that. I said almost those exact words to her yesterday.
Thank goodness for the feedback you guys are giving and for this site. Before I found this site today, I typed up 20+ things I would do for my wife in our 'new' life. I was going to give it to her. No way will I do that now. I am learning she has to make the choice, and I can't make her choose. I can only be who I am, and make myself the better person I am supposed to be...for me. You know what is difficult? Just coming home from work. It is tough to figure out how to act around her. I know she doesn't want me to look at her because she is disgusted by her actions. But I want to be around the kids (and I won't compromise on that.) So, we are spending time around each other. It is just hard to know how to behave around her. Don't mention the affair again? Be extra nice to her? Or Be business like with her? Just haven't figured that out yet.
Just out of curiosity, how do you intend to fight for her? I feel like I need to pull way back and let WAW realize what she has lost. Gives me a chance to get ready to move on as well.
