I agree that it's not his job but (and I guess I'm a people pleaser) I try to make people happy. Unfortunately, I now know that H wasn't at the top of the list.
Years of little things I've let fester and not REALLY communicated to him what they were moved him down the list. Which, is what I'd like to apologized to him about. I now know that I should have broken the cycle and started doing nicer things for H, then maybe he would have wanted to do nicer things for me and the end result we would BOTH be happy.
Someone should give the DB book to all newlyweds!
I really wish I'd found this book YEARS ago or at least 6 months.
I'm going to go to the gym tonight after work and exercise. Working on the new me (or at least trying to uncover the old one under the fat LOL). Then S15 & I are going to a friends for BBQ steaks. Yum Yum!
(and I guess I'm a people pleaser) I try to make people happy.
I think a vast majority of people here are that way. As strange as this is going to sound...I recommend not being so selfless, and being a little more selfish. Work on your own happiness, rather than thinking you get it from making others happy. Learn to say "No" to people. In a weird way, you get more respect.
I too always tried to please others.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 01/19/0812:33 AM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Venting does help so much...gets me through the day...
One of my GAL goals too is to worry about me. I told H i always took care of him and he said not to do anything for him.. Guess what I haven't recently...big step...even with the kids who always come to me...I told them to go talk to their dad...
And, remember,,,,the grass is greener where you water it....That was on someones thread...I hope I can share...
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Thanks! It was just so hard for me this weekend. I KNEW that H was with OW that is why he didn't take S15 hunting (I did). Had a great time with S15. However, (and I was wrong for saying it the way I did) there was an incident that occurred at a store and S15 said that since they didn't know what happened but he did it was OK. I told him if Dad's mistress hadn't that he was married but Dad obviously did, does it make it right what Dad is doing? So S15 went back into the store and corrected their error. I told S15 that someone has to teach him good morals. S15 said 'Mom, your a great mom, brother & I love you and you have taught us good morals. Now, let's go to the camp and have some fun!' Which made me cry.
H left me 2 months ago and he has already replaced me in his heart with OW. He lets her know what he's up to, where he's traveling, etc. However, we are STILL MARRIED. No legal separation.
I wonder, should I require him to inform me if he travels out of state? I do have 2 S's at home. What if something was to happen to me or them? But, is it in improper request that I be informed?
H won't call me or S19 unless H needs something. But is in daily contact with S15. I hate having to ask S15 if he knows where his Dad is if I need him (sometimes he doesn't know either). I don't want S15 to feel like he's betraying him.
What to do?!?!
Today isn't a great day. Maybe it't the gloomy weather.
I wonder, should I require him to inform me if he travels out of state? I do have 2 S's at home. What if something was to happen to me or them? But, is it in improper request that I be informed?
H won't call me or S19 unless H needs something. But is in daily contact with S15. I hate having to ask S15 if he knows where his Dad is if I need him (sometimes he doesn't know either). I don't want S15 to feel like he's betraying him.
This is hard to handle, even if you are like me and Dd and the XH is remarried. Feeling like you need to know where they are "just in case." And feeling so awkward, having to ask the children.
Does your H have a cell phone? If so, then I would say let it go, it is just one of the thousands of things in this process that we cannot control.
If your H doesn't have a cell phone, then I think it is legitimate to ask him to let you know where he can be reached, incase of an emergency with one of the kids. If he refuses to tell you, that is his choice and his right, self-absorbed as it may be.
I no longer expect to know where XH is unless he is traveling with my S15. Sometimes he tells me, but more often he does not. I believe S15 usually knows, I try to refrain from asking although I'm not always successful at it!
Thank you AH for your reply. Yes, H has a cell. Practically slept with it for past 2 yrs. waiting on OW to text. A$$.
I guess I'm just so frustrated by how easy it is for him to shut me out of his life and replace me with OW. I feel cast away like some old worn out sock. How can they do this?
Well, it's been a while since I've posted. I had a talk with H on 1/27/08 about kids/property/etc. However, I did apologize to him for not putting him first, not appreciating him, and for neglecting him. I told him that I hoped he could forgive me. He said he could. I truly needed to do this for my own healing.
Then I messed up on DBing. I asked him why we couldn't be the "next time" (he said he was going to do things differently the next time) and work on things. That if he really looked at things he'd see that he hadn't given US a fair chance and that I'd appreciate it if he'd give us a fair, unclouded chance. I also told him that we had a communication problem and that we need to work on it so we could at least be friends for our S's sake. He got defensive and talked about how he could start the D proceedings. He also said that he was the one having to do without. That I had all the comforts, the pool, the kids had their rooms & their home. I told him he could come home any time he wanted. I also asked him if he was living with the OW and he said Yes, off and on. Otherwords, on weekends when her kids aren't there.
OK, I have obtained a copy of OW D papers. Her H filed for D back in 9/06. 1 yr after my H and OW started their PA. I know I shouldn't and I probably won't but I'd love to talk to OW's ExH. I want to ask him if he knew of their A (their D papers stipulate no non-family members of the opposite sex overnight visits while the minor children are present - which makes me think he did), when he left her, where she lives, etc. I know that the answers won't do anything but take care of my curiosity.
Also, OW has a common name for this area. I found a bankruptcy and a small claims judgment against her name. I would like to know if it's her. H says that all I care about is the money and I see OW as a gold digger.
H came to an event on 2/5/08 where I was with our friends and S's. He received several call/text. He went behind a big electrical box at a bldg. and made a phone call (he thought no one saw him but we did) and announced to me and S15 not 15 minutes later that he had to head out. He and I got along well that morning.
Yesterday, I took off 1/2 from work to go my friends son's national signing party for him and went to work out afterwards. When I got home H was there talking to S15. I told them both hello. H asked me if I'd gone to work. I said yes. Then he asked if I'd gone to work dressed like THAT?! I said no that I had a function that I went to and I'd just came back from working out. He was using a very ugly tone with me. Then he said he'd "cleaned" the pool. He dumped the leaves from the skimmers on the side of the pool instead of in the trash or even in the yard. He said what does it matter? You have all these leaves under the porch. I explained that they were from the bad storm that had blown through the night before. Why do they have to act like children!! I swear I'm dealing with 3 teenage boys!
I have had a lot of people tell that they see me improving daily. They can tell when they talk to me that I am sounding more happy and more like my old self. I believe I am getting stronger. I went to a wedding Sat. night and called my friend on the way and told her that I thought I actually looked hot. She was so happy for me. On a funny note, I didn't come home until 3 am after the wedding. My S19 gave me the 3rd degree the next morning. Who were you with, what time did you get home (he got home before me!), etc. I avoided most questions with my own questions but I thought it was cute that he was doing the "Dad" job on me. His girlfriend said that S19 thought that I'd had a date and that I wasn't supposed to be doing that and he didn't even get to meet the guy. I told her there was no date just out with a couple that I work with. Anyway, I thought it was cute how he acted.
