I am 34 years old. Married almost 10 years. Known my wife for 16+ years. We have 3 GREAT kids aged 7 (girl), 4 (boy), 15 months (girl).
We live in a great house, have a great neighborhood, great friends. She is a stay at home mom. I have a good job and while money isn't growing on trees, we have enough and always seem to be able to get what we need and want.
So, I have had some suspicions over the past few months that my wife has been attracted to one of our friends in the neighborhood. She always laughed a little too hard at his jokes, and there was always some sort of connection I (and his wife) was aware of. I chocked it up to being jealous and when I would ask her about it, she would say I was ridiculous and that she acted that way with everyone.
I wasn't willing to let it go, I did some snooping and found out that they have been having a full fledged passionate affair for months. I read every awful graphic detailed email of what they did together, and what they have been involved in. Needless to say, I was crushed.
When I first found out, I went immediately and saw an attorney and was so upset. I was just going to see what my options were. But as I drove around that day (January 15) after seeing the lawyer, I realized that what I want more than anything else in my life is what I already have. I love my wife. I love my kids. I love my life. I am still in love with my wife. I am very hurt by her, but I do still love her.
Our relationship the past few years has mainly consisted of raising our kids. The typical "busy" child-rearing years of life - raise kids, go to work, try to get a free minute to think for yourself. What we didn't do is make time for each other. I certainly take partial blame for that, and am willing to not let that happen again.
We have had numerous talks over the past week. We have covered all emotions. Man this is painful.
She says she is not sure if she can recover from what she did to me and us. She doesn't know if she has it in her to try to work it out with me. She doesn't understand how I can be so willing to work on this with her. I did get her to go see a counselor, and she said that helped. But it has only been one session. I guess that is something.
What really stinks is that the decision is completely in her court now. I have told her I am willing to explore forgiveness and that I will do whatever it takes to make it work. But it takes two people to make a marriage, one to make a divorce. So sad.
What I don't understand or can't believe that she doesn't understand, is that there is so much at stake here. Life as we know it will end. Our kids will most likely be destroyed and scarred. She will most likely be a social outcast. The OM and his family will be destroyed. All of this because she doesn't know if she can 'try' to make it work. I have let her know that I will never take time or life for granted again, but I need her to want to try.
She is not one who can be controlled, or responds well to "tough love" promises or being made to feel like she is being forced to do something she doesn't want to do. So I told her:
-- I will not monitor you. -- I will not question you. -- I will not talk about divorces or anything like that. -- I will not make angry promises to expose this to the other family involved, our friends, family. -- I will not try to force you to be someone who you are not. -- I will not use guilt as a tool against you. -- I will not try to control you.
I have also told her I will give her the time she needs to figure out her decision. What REALLY BOTHERS me is that she is still talking to the other guy. On day one of discovery, I first demanded that she cut off all contact - she did for about a day or two. Then she was like a drug addict without her fix. So she started talking to him again. The same lovely dovey disgusting emails. I swear they are like teenagers.
So, how do keep my dignity while letting her make her decision? When we are talking now, I am basically trying to prove my worth to her, but that is messed up. She should be begging me for forgiveness. But at the same time how do i deal with the fact that I am being betrayed on a daily basis? Ahhhh....so many questions.....
Do I keep trying to prove to her what I am, have been, and are capable of? I know I can't make her want to stay in it, but someone or something has to awaken her from this fantasy she is in and get back to the real world. I know her sister and best friend think she is not acting logically. But her affair partner has her ear right now, and she is only hearing what he is saying.
If anyone has any good tools or techniques to use, i would love to hear about them - I am going to buy "The Divorce Remedy" book in a few minutes. I hope it will have some answers. I am desparate.
