But really if he files for divorce, I plan to go along with what my divorce attorney thinks is best for the kids and I rather than his advice actually, so he may be in for a major shock!
Here's some general advice about D and lawyers.
Always protect your children's emotional and financial interests.
This means avoid a confrontational, nasty divorce, if at all possible. Sometimes divorce lawyers want to be litigious, since it increases their billing hours and costs a fortune. You lawyer needs to be fighting for your interests -- mostly to protect you, but, if you wish, to AVOID a divorce. Don't let her set the tone. She works for you.
Let her know the situation. Let her know you want to avoid the divorce if at all possible. Tell her everything that's happening. Get information to protect your interests.
Ask questions like:
1. Does adultery have any bearing on custody or settlement? 2. Is all the time he's spending away from home and with OW consitiute neglect of children? It might help your case with custody. By the way...keep records of all his comings and goings. 3. Is you state no-fault or does your husband need grounds to divorce you? What wold be those grounds?
In general it's best to have a mediator stand between you both, and have your lawyers double-check the agreements. It makes it less litigious.
Karen...hun...you'll be fine.
You are showing strength, which is very attractive.
Thanks for all your kind wishes and prayers for my brother! I do believe they help! Thanks for the advice, Theoden! I will try to restrain (leash) my lawyer if I hire her tomorrow! My brother insisted I see her and my therapist advised me to see one as well although she says she normally never does when the person doesn't want to divorce because of the fact that H is a lawyer and money has been disappearing. I think H is just having to get hotel rooms since they are both married.
I would like to just basically do any prep work or investigative work that needs to be done, so if and when he files for divorce we are prepared for it. H has also told me that he wants to lie to the Courts about me being crazy (although he does not believe I am) now that I have gotten a depression diagnosis from my therapist so I won't be able to homeschool the kids b/c he doesn't want to support me after the divorce and doesn't want to have to pay for it. From what he says he basically doesn't want to have to impact his life much after the divorce, but impact the kids and my life completely so I do want to try to prevent much of that if possible.
It is a no-fault state, so that's not in my favor, but I have been keeping records for the past few weeks of his comings and goings, and he has been gone about 75 hours a week with his job and girlfriend and running(he works about 45 hours a week), so I think that will help my cause with custody. Even when he is home, he doesn't spend time with the kids, but works outside or spends time emailing the OW. It is sad! I am going to ask the divorce attorney about that. He also has talked about living with the OW and combining time with the OW and the children (doesn't want to see them separately after the divorce) so I think that shows some poor judgment as well or would at least not sound well to the Judge in the case. He has talked about being able to get full custody b/c of my depression, but I think all my attorney would have to do is say with that husband what normal woman wouldn't be depressed, don't you think? Or something like that? And I've gotten treatment and therapy, so I don't think he will get too far with that, I would hope.
To end on a positive note, I am a lot happier actually now that my brother seems to be doing good and has a good prognosis! I was obviously happy last night as well. It was interesting when H got home last night, at 8 as usual after being with the OW; I wasn't upset at all last night, b/c I was so happy about my brother, that instead of dodging me like usual, I noticed he spent an hour with D8 and I last night which is not at all his usual pattern. I don't expect that will happen again or anything, but thought that was interesting. Karen43
Any reasonable judge will not hold your being on ADs against you. If anything, your lawyer can position it as you are doing the RESPONSIBLE thing to make sure you are caring well for your children, and then can give concrete examples of how you are there for them, and contrast with your record-keeping of husband's poor attempts at same.
His adulterous behavior may not come to bear in the divorce action itself, due to the "no-fault" state in which you live, but it will probably come to bear in the alimony, and it will DEFINITELY come to bear in the custody. I am in Florida, also a no-fault state, and this is how my attorney described it to me.
Also, if you are not already doing so, be SURE to keep records of the money he is spending on the hotel rooms and anything else that is associated with their affair. Ask your attorney about "dissipation of marital assets" -- I think your husband is on very shaky ground here.
Any time my wife tried to talk to me about divorce or separation or threats along those lines, I merely said "Now that this is a legal matter, that's for the attorneys to decide," and I refused to get into it with her. I constantly reminded her that I did NOT want a divorce, and that I was willing to work at our marriage, but that I would not begin that until she ended her affair -- PERIOD. And once the D was actually filed, anything "legal" I would defer to our attorneys. It's just not worth the aggravation to get into it with them, at best, and at WORST you may end up doing/saying something they can use against you.
You're on good, solid ground -- keep doing what you're doing, and don't let him push your buttons. It sounds like he's very good at it, but you're getting better at not responding. That's good!!!!
His adulterous behavior may not come to bear in the divorce action itself, due to the "no-fault" state in which you live, but it will probably come to bear in the alimony, and it will DEFINITELY come to bear in the custody. I am in Florida, also a no-fault state, and this is how my attorney described it to me.
Also, if you are not already doing so, be SURE to keep records of the money he is spending on the hotel rooms and anything else that is associated with their affair. Ask your attorney about "dissipation of marital assets" -- I think your husband is on very shaky ground here.
Choc.
H went to see an attorney, a friend of his, who does not specializes in divorce law, and I think told him since we live in FL, a no-fault state, that his affair would have no impact on the divorce. From what you are saying that sounds like maybe he was given not completely correct advice! My attorney specializes in divorce law-I am seeing her tomorrow, so will ask her what you are talking about, and the other questions I have too.
I can't believe a judge won't consider the fact that he is spending 30 hours a week with the OW, and then 10 hours a week calling and texting her when he is deciding custody. That just seems like common sense to me! At some point I am thinking my H is going to figure this out, and I wonder if this will make him more hesitant to divorce as well...perhaps not though, because sometimes I just think he doesn't really care about the kids that much anymore, just the OW at this point. I guess it will boil down to whether he regains his senses (that he used to have!) before the divorce comes through or not. Karen43
Florida is one of the five WORST states in the country for "men's rights" stuff. Your husband doesn't have a whole lot going for him to BEGIN with, and he's not helping his cause any either!
Your husband is going to try one or more of these things:
1. Paint you as depressed and dysfunctional. This can go either way...to get custody of the kids OR to not have to pay alimony by claiming you are unfit to homeschool them.
2. Try to saddle you with the kids and just "start over" with OW and her kids. HE may try to pay you as little and expect you to get a job.
3. If he's forced to pay for the kids he'll want to get custody, so he'll not have to pay you to care for them.
I don't know his motivation: does he want the kids, does he want to save money?
I don't know his motivation: does he want the kids, does he want to save money?
--theoden
I think he wants the kids when he wants them and he wants to save money both. Probably the weekends when he is not planning to be out of town with the OW, and def. wants to save money because he is very cheap!!!
He does want to paint me as depressed & dysfunctional and that is his game plan to combat me so he will not have to pay for home schooling. My main problem with that will be that because of the kid's LD's they are behind in reading/writing esp. my D8, my son is not that bad I don't think, pretty close to public school level esp. not bad for a child with dyslexia (he reads all the time!). H for example, was 4th grade writing level when he was tested at the end of college. So I don't know how they consider that when they are not at grade level which they won't be b/c they are dyslexic/autistic. My son is doing much better than he would be if he was public schooled, but how do you prove that??? H is counting on the fact that the testers will say that public school is the best solution for the kids.
I do have to wonder if he wants basically any custody at all judging by the way he is not home but a few hours a week. I believe the OW has young kids b/c I figured out they spend their weekends at McDonalds always b/c of the ballpits I am guessing so she can take her young kids there so she must have kids age 2-8 years old (creepy that she takes her young kids along on their affair! yuck! so she has poor judgment as well as poor morals) so maybe he does plan to start over with her kids?
My thing is I don't believe that relationship will last: a married woman with kids. My H is pretty dysfunctional: a total slob, anger issues, cheap, etc. eventually I would figure one or some of these will surface. She's a married woman with kids having an affair with a married man with kids so I'm guessing she has some issues of her own as well....I would think their affair is going to implode at some point; it would be a matter of when and not if they will break up at some point. Of course, if it's after the divorce that won't do me much good. Karen43
