Unfortunately, while she is actively carrying on an affair her brain chemicals won't allow her to see much of what you're doing to fill her emotional needs. She WILL see positive changes in you; she just won't be affected much by it. But "it's in there" -- it's getting thru, at some level. I was told this, and my wife reported EXACTLY that after she ended it with OM.
Don't constantly beat her over the head with it, because you can't "teach" an infidel, but I do think, if you haven't already done so, that you should plain TELL HER that "You say you're confused, and I agree. I don't think you can be anything BUT confused now that you've invited a third person into our marriage. That's exactly why you need to end it, so that we can work on our marriage, without interference. I'm ready to do that."
Or some such.
I told my wife that probably five or six times over the 3 months of her affair, and she denied it steadfastly -- "that doesn't make any difference."
After she ended it with him, she said "You were right -- there was no way I could have worked on my marriage while I was still seeing him. I don't know if our marriage will work out or not, but I can see that I need to think things thru WITHOUT another man in my life, or I can't possibly make good decisions."
