Chrome, I'm kind of in a limbo state right now myself. I've been taking time to figure myself out (and still not all the way there). One thing I did discover was the the oxytocin buzz from sex was clouding my feelings, so I've kind of stopped initiating and pretty much lost all the resentment. Sure, I miss the sex, but it is giving me a better opportunity to observe my R, MrsGGB and myself from a more detached viewpoint. What concerns me is I am not really liking what I am seeing, and I now can separate what is me and what isn't. The things I don't like in me I can work on (they are also the hardest things to see). The things I don't like in the state of the R, well I can only do my part, and the things I don't like about MrsGGB I can't change. Recognizing I can't change her and seeing her as she is rather than as I projected is enlightening. Now it is up to me as to how I react to how she is, but the one thing I've learned is that she is "other" and not mine to control, direct or mold. Unfortunately, that has pushed our R into more or less a roommate status for now. One thing I need to work on is telling her where I am and what is going through my mind. It's been hard to get her attention much though, and I've been a bit chicken-sh!t about bringing up any R talk in the few minutes a week when I do get her attention. She's been doing quilts and other stuff in the evenings and won't take a break from it to do anything with me, then she comes to bed as I am about to pass out. I think that 15 hours a week quality time together the R experts say is minimum has been more like 15 minutes a week here in the GGB household. Part of it is the kids, but I think a large part of it too is avoidance on her part.
As to everything else, well that is stressful too. Work hasn't been going particularly well...several fixed price contracts have mushroomed into black holes that are sucking up all my time and then some, the kids are sniping at each other, and being very passive-aggressive about their chores. MrsGGB is shreiking at the kids and using rather nasty tones with them when she isn't yelling. All of it makes me want to pack my bags. Thinking about how much worse it would be for the kids if I wasn't here though is a major deterrent. Oh, on top of that all, my computer took a dump two weeks ago and while I've finally recovered my data with the exception of the last month worth of incoming email and incoming email attachments from the past 5 years, the NTFS file system keeps setting the dirty bit causing chkdsk to run when it boots up.
On the bright side, I'm not really feeling down--just detached-- and I've gotten myself into terrific shape by hitting the gym 3x a week and watching what I'm eating. My next main goal is to work with the kids and try to undo the disfunctional atmosphere we go going on here. Not exactly sure where to start on that other than to try to step in when MrsGGB starts going off.
