well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[cat03]

I've done a lot of thinking, and in retrospect I have to come to the same conclusion I came to when he left in 05, that I'd be alright if he never came back. I'm still holding on the old image of my H, that sweet caring man I had years ago who would've never done what he has done to me now. This is a new person, who doesn't regard my feelings nor his children, who rather than come clean with me did what ow told him to knowing how strongly I felt about his R with her (and choosing to ignore it).
If I were in his shoes I wouldn't let a lover come between me and my children and what could possible be a great M, but I'm not him, my H does not think this way and as much as I want him to he is so removed from reality he is no good to me right now.
I shouldn't be the one talking him into wanting me, us, our family, I want that real good man I had to surface and fight for me, right now it is not possible.

I'm trying to keep the emotional side of me on the side, the one who'll miss intimacy and loving gestures from a man (not that I got any of that for the past 6mths) and try to use my head and realize I can't have a man who did tell me lots of his decisions have been made just so he would'nt be alone (he admits that is not good). That I don't want to go on the merry go round of the past years. He needs to fix himself HIMSELF.

I know it will be hard and it will hurt, but if it comes to a separation (temporary/?) perhaps it is for the best, if that what it takes for him to wake up, and if it goes the other way, then, it will be a good thing I won't be lied to and hurt like I have been throughout all this time.

He did go out last night, called me to "check in" at night 2x and this morning "I know you don't trust me" he says. Nope, not an inch, I don't believe he broke it off with ow the other day, I won't buy anything, and will be careful what he says during his "lucid" moments, because a few days later his mind takes a 180 and everything goes downhill again.

Thank you again each one of you for your wisdom and for helping me see what I was too afraid to see, that for me to be happy in the long long run there I must let go.