I appreciate the kinds words of understanding and the advice, including the poem.
But I already blew it on those accounts. And I am not sorry I did, at least not yet.
I guess I did a 180 from what I was doing, being loving and supportive, telling him to take all the time he needs to figure out his life.
Although it might actually be a good thing, bc he mentioned (before I wrote him the letter saying I wanted him to take all the time he needed to figure out his life and himself before we even think about working on us) that he didn't understand why I wasn't more pis$$ed about our situation, how I could be civil to the OW when I saw her at a work function, even make conversation with her (I don't know how I did it either must have been God's help). He told the counselor that part of him viewed me as weak for being willing to put up with his $hit, to just "love him anyway" and still want to be with him.
So maybe for me to be so angry right now is a good thing. I haven't really allowed myself to get angry at him. I have done crying, I have done whining, I have done begging/pleading. Then I did letting go, telling him to do whatever he has to do. I didn't talk him out of the apartment. I even got some things together for it (dishes, bedding, towels, etc) and had them boxed up before he moved--although he didn't move...
So I did weepy pathetic and I did loving supportive and not a d*mn thing changed. Last night I did good and fired up angry. Today I talked to him and was just basically emotion-free detached, told him what I thought and then ended the conversation. No yelling, no tears, no blame, just what I was thinking and then goodbye.
Here is what started this chapter of the saga:
He stayed out all night. The one thing I said I didn't want him to do. I woke up at 3:00 and realized he wasn't home yet. I texted him and long story short he said he was sleeping on Jordan's couch. That I "knew" he was going to be gone bc in his "forget it" text he said talk to you tomorrow. I said I figured that meant you'd be home late and we'd talk tomorrow. I pointed out that if I ever in our marriage were to stay out all night, whether I called or NOT, he would be livid. He said I was right. I told him that he was a husband and father not a wild college kid and he didn't need to be out all night. He said he was supposed to be in an apartment right now anyway. I said yes, but you aren't, and as long as you live here I don't appreciate your behavior. I told him to find out if he could just live with Jordan until he moved to Omaha--in the course of the convo. he said he was 90% he'd be taking the Omaha job. That I didn't want him living with us if he was going to act that way. I also told him I was going to live at the house until it sold (prob. 4-5 months) and keep working here, there was no reason for me to go to Omaha. I am sure that shocked him since both our parents live in the area, and our siblings are in a 2 hr radius. Then I got off of the phone and went to bed, but I was awake all night. He didn't even come home to shower or change for work. SO I guess he took extra clothes with him, must have known he was staying out all night. Can't help but wonder now about OW and just how EX is she.... Anyway fast forward to this morning. Son complaining of being sick. Don't know why but I called H's work like I WASN'T going to do. Was going to ask him his verdict--mine was send the boy to school, he was only complaining of tummy ache and hadn't gotten sick at all. Another guy answered & said H was in a meeting. I left no message. Got home from running kids and H called. I answered--like I wasn't going to do--and he asked what was up. I told him he was the one calling? He said he had a message on his desk to call me. I said I did call you but didn't ask you to call me back. Seemed to surprise/disappoint him a little. I gave him the gist on S and said I made the decision on my own. Then he said,
"So you have no use for this, huh?"
I asked what, he said moving to Omaha. I said not now, no and proceeded, very calmly, to explain what I said on the board last night. That if he was on the verge of moving out of the house, if we weren't sleeping in the same room or even touching each other, I saw no reason to move to Omaha. That I had been patient and supportive of him and his need for space until now but that him being out all night again was the last straw. That I was extremely disappointed that he would stay out all night after telling me he may have a new job and be moving away. That for us to have so much to talk about and him to not even come home really bothered me and I didn't want to be with an H who didn't give me consideration. He said he understood that. I said so things will really have to change before I think of doing anything right now. He said that made sense and we had a lot to talk about and we would talk tonight. I also pointed out that visitation would be much more complicated now w/him in Omaha and me here. It is a 3 hour drive almost and so that would eliminate weekday visits....Anyway I know he has a lot to think about now.
He already had a lot to think about job-wise but it sounds like he is pretty firm on quitting this job and moving to Omaha in the near future. So now he has to decide where the kids and I fit into his new-job, new-life plan. And I have to decide whether I want to fit....
