I threaten to throw in the towel all the time because I am so impatient. We've only been apart for a couple months, but H is pushing D full speed ahead.
Then I feel ridiculous because I realize that most of these members here have been at it for so long. They must think posters like me have lost their minds. And I kinda have.
I'll keep you and everyone else here in my prayers.
I have decided that living in limbo sucks. I made that decision, quietly, a while ago. Yesterday I went and saw my counselor. I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I went, because I had spent 2 1/2 hours at the dentist earlier in the day and had been embarrassed (humiliated?) by the oh-so-efficient receptionist. But I had NO idea that I was going to say what came tumbling out of my mouth.
For 45 minutes, I cried and talked and cried some more, telling him how tired I was. Tired of living in limbo. Tired of being "married" but having no marriage. Tired of mixed signals. Tired of absolute silence on H's part for days and weeks on end. Tired of really not knowing anything.
He asked me if the fact that my H is in total control of the situation right now is what was really bothering me. And I had to answer "no". It just seems to me that his current behavior borders on cruel. He knows, clearly, how I feel. I do NOT want this divorce. Didn't back when we separated, don't want it now. He knows that I love him, unconditionally. (At least I have told him that, but he has yet to see that in practice.) I have also told him that if he REALLY doesn't want me in his life to let the marriage end. It goes against every moral fiber in my body to say that, but it is also cruel to stay married for... what????? Health insurance benefits? That is the excuse he gave at the first of the year for delaying the divorce- that I needed his health insurance. I told him that I was willing to pay the COBRA premium until my own insurance kicked in, but he chose to go silent after that. I really don't get it.
When he agreed to do the favor for me, I felt a glimmer of hope. He did the favor, and was gone in 5 minutes. That was over a week ago, and there has been nothing at all since then. Not a peep.
The daily silence, the daily rejection, hurts. And my C saw hurt that I had not let anyone see for a long time. It would be oh-so-nice if I had a CLUE as to what my H is thinking. Is he really holding off on finalizing the D until I have health insurance coverage? Or is he struggling, unsure of what he wants to do? Or is he hoping that by staying silent and away from me that he can let our marriage and any feelings he has just die of neglect?
And while I wait, I keep busy. I just wish my brain would slow down. I wish this didn't occupy so much space in my thought processes.
Since filing for D last summer, H had been pushing to have the D finalized. For circumstances beyond either of our control, that has not happened. There has been one snafu after another, and a seemingly simple process has taken much longer than the 90 days required in our state. (I do believe that God works in mysterious ways, sometimes.) Then, in January, H made a bit of an about face, said he was in no hurry, and that "I needed his health insurance", which was partially true. I had been trying to get health insurance coverage through my work, and it wasn't going smoothly. I did offer, however, to pay the COBRA premiums until my insurance became effective, and he told me (in an e-mail... our way of communicating) that it would cost too much. I wrote and replied that the financial cost would hurt for a bit, but nothing compared to the heart hurt I live with. Then I proceeded to write the e-mail that prompted this thread. It was so R heavy that it would make a "normal" person puke, let alone someone who was trying to get a divorce! At the end of the e-mail, I promised that I would not write again. And I haven't. The only contact I have had with him was a phone call regarding the favor that I asked, almost two weeks ago. I saw him for a very brief period on the day of the favor. Since then, I have remained dark. And he has remained silent, as well.
But...I just found out that my health insurance coverage at work has become effective, so I should tell him that I have coverage at last. Technically, he can cancel my coverage under his policy. However, I went to the dentist last week, and have been prepped for a crown which will be seated during February. If he cancels my coverage now, I won't have that dental coverage, and I do NOT have the funds to pay for the crown. (They don't bill for the crown until it is seated.)
I want to be honest with H about the fact that my insurance is in effect, and I want to ask him to hold off on cancelling my coverage under his plan for another month. Holding off on cancelling my coverage also delays the D by another month. I don't know how he will feel about that.
But how do I do any asking when I am trying to be dark?
Also, he has a birthday in a few weeks. Do I ignore it? Send a card? Call him the day of? (I am afraid to call, since I am only supposed to have his work number, and his BD is on a holiday... so he may not be at work anyway. I DO have his cell number because it is in our divorce papers, but I have never called him at that number.)
So he started a slight warm up to you. What was your reaction to this? Did you start acting in any way like things were on the upswing?
As for insurance, this may sound bad but you have to make sure you are taking care of yourself. If you bring it up along with the divorce aspects of it you'll only introduce that big negative again. Maybe the best thing to do is let him know you'll have coverage in a bit more than a month.
Birthday, that's a tough call. Has your birthday passed during all of this? If so how'd he react to it?
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
If you mean he started to warm up to me by delaying the divorce "because of insurance", I simply told him I appreciated that. When he did the favor for me (moving a piece of furniture to the house), I asked him if he wanted a beer. He said "no". Then I asked him if he wanted his mail. He said "yes", but stood in the garage. I invited him into the house (the house he left many months ago) and he looked around, asked about the new windows, told me I "was wasting away to nothing", made a few other simple comments and left. He did comment that he was working a lot of overtime and how much money he was making by doing that and I simply said "I hope you don't get too tired."
At first I was so disappointed by the fact that there was nothing more. Then, a few days later, I woke up at 4am with the thought, "He wasn't wearing his work jacket. He came directly from work to pick up the furniture, but he was wearing one of his "good" jackets." He must have planned ahead! I was really nervous about his coming to the house and all. If I was nervous, I can imagine how nervous HE was!
But as I have said before, there has been silence since then. It drives me nuts. I hate divorce. I hate the thought of divorce. But if he is truly "through", then please, let the divorce happen so I can begin to heal from that trauma. Living as a married single has some drawbacks. I don't date. I can't leave the area because he still owns half of the house. I have to look at long term ideas from both standpoints... married and single and decide which way to go. It is tiring. One other challenge that I have is that we moved to this town two years ago and I don't know a lot of people. Yes, I have made some new friends, but they are not the same as "old friends" and I am sometimes a bit lonely.
In telling him about the insurance, I only plan on saying that my insurance will be in effect on such a date. No mention of D at all. But how do I communicate that when I promised him that I would not write again and am trying my darnedest to stay dark? Send a note with the mail I forward to him? That is still breaking my silence.
As for birthdays, my birthday is a few weeks after his, so it is a new development. Haven't dealt with it yet. I will be the icebreaker on that one, if acknowledging it is the right way to go. My gut tells me to call him, and send a "nice" card, nothing syrupy sweet.
I don't think it's really breaking your silence to send him a note explaining the insurance situation and the appt. in February. Just matter of factly tell him the progress and how long you need to stay on his dental policy. No need to draw any conclusions or ask any R questions if you don't choose too.
The birthday is just such a personal thing for each of us, Mother Magee. In your situation I'd probably send a card. Of course, I bought my H a card and wrote a lovely note in it. I never sent it though... at the end of it all I didn't think he deserved it at the time. We were in a bad place back then. It wasn't until I lost him that suddenly I found the perfect cards and gifts for him. Go figure. If I were you, I'd definitely send a card then wait and see if he calls.
I'm so sorry. I can just feel in your words how this limbo is wearing you down. I remember being married yet single. I remember crying my eyes out when I drove by houses with lit up windows and families inside them. I remember dancing around my living room last New Years Eve, alone, in a burgandy dress.
Only you know when you've had enough. Everyone here understands and will support you no matter what you decide. If you hang in there you get 2 possible outcomes though. I spent this New Years Eve in my H's arms.
*Unless after the D he realizes he wants you back and you haven't moved on* (Some of them seem to need that too.), if you end the limbo and D, you have one possible outcome.
You have the skills now. You have overcome major issues. You still love him even though he hasn't given you the credit you deserve (time-- sweetie, he doesn't believe it's real yet). I just can't help believing, that if you are able to hang in there and show him those 180's you've done --in a consistent manner --long enough for him to gain trust in your changes, that you have a really good chance.
Called H today to discuss insurance and taxes. Went to voicemail, so I left a brief message. (I hate caller ID). Tried to call a while later- I had an afternoon appointment and thought I'd give it one more try. Voicemail again, so I hung up. He called back, two minutes later, apolgizing for leaving his phone elsewhere. Uh-huh.
I asked about a class he was taking, and he proceeded to talk about the class for 10 minutes or so, and how difficult it was. I told him that I kind of understood that, because I have just begun a new challenge that I thought would be easy. But it's not as easy as I thought. (I adopted a cockatiel and a parrot- and I have never had a bird before, let alone two talkers!) I found it a bit interesting that I mentioned the bird "foster parent" several times and he wanted to know WHO the foster parent was. I just responded, "A guy who takes abandoned birds and finds homes for them"... which is true. Nobody special to me. But did I hear a hint of possible jealousy? ( After all, I have lost a bit of weight, look great, feel great, GAL... you know the drill). I didn't tell him that I signed up for a class myself.... belly dancing! He'd probably have a stroke if I mentioned that! LOL
So, I feel that the conversation went pretty well, considering. We did agree to do the taxes together "sometime in February. We'll figure something out." (his words) And he is keeping me on his insurance for awhile longer. For that I am grateful.
And though I am tired of being in limbo, and I wish I knew SOMETHING concrete, I am not giving up. Even though our papers have my signature on them, I am not giving up. He means too too much to me, and my heart.
