W less angry with me, but not ready for piecing

[Lanzo]

Hi GFI,

It's a 10k run in May of this year and at my current level I think I'd run about 1hr 10min but I want to get closer to the hour mark, not sure if I'll break it though. The charity is the Tommy Trust or "Tommy's" they do research in to the causes of premature births. D6 was born at 29 weeks and the Trust provided valuable support to the hospitals, without them she may not be here. If I'm honest I'm about 6 years late in doing this task, but now I feel empowered to do it. Serious training starts next month.

[fb2]

OK I have a question, I have undoubtedly discovered W LL as quality time, but she returns it to me in acts of service, hence the upturn in our sitch. How do I let her know that my LL is touch and that this mis match between is one of the broken pieces in our jigsaw. It's a tough question but one I think will need to be answered if we are to piece things together. (I've got my thinking cap on).

Lan, You are so insightful! Physical Touch is I think the hardest one to "ask for". Looks like you may have to gradually snuggle up to W on those TV and popcorn nights. And when she finally puts her arm around you say you like it when she does that and maybe go further and discus your love languages. But looks like things are going in the right direction if she's reaching out to you with love (acts of service may actually be high up on her list along with Quality Time - remember the bathroom fix, etc.).

Later ... got to get the kids off to school now.

[GFI]

Hi Lan

I think an hour for your first 10k is a great target - that really gives you something to gear your physical activities around. The charity you're fund-raising for will make it all the more meaningful!

On the LLs, I did the quiz and have left the book around the house hoping that it'll pique W's curiosity - not sure if it has or not.

I did read that often a person is most demonstrative in the LL they wish to be "spoken" to themselves - so I guess this chimes with fb2's input above and your observations so far.

I have to admit I was sceptical about the whole LL thing but now I'm completely sold on it - it make so much sense in my sitch so I'm glad you're finding that there's something in it too.

Best - GFI

[Lanzo]

I knew it would take something big to get me to run the 10K, well here it is all part of GAL for the new me.

On the LL, I always new W valued quality family time before I recognised it as a LL. In the past I've always given this to her but I've been quick to withdraw it when she withholds what I want which is physical touch. This is why we've lived in a stand off situation for long periods (read my very early posts).

As I just mentioned in a previous post W and I don't mention the R because we both agreed that the M was done, but since then things have been piecing together and things have been improving. All this dispite the fact that we're not suppose to be working on the M. So at the moment we literally don't talk R or anything closely related to it. W sees me on the computer and knows I've got books but she doesn't ask anything. Actually, she been getting annoyed that I'm spending too much time on the computer cos it interrupts quality time.

So I've asked this question before (When should I talk R) the general consensus has been to just go with what's happening now. But sooner or later we're both going to have to acknowledge where we are going with this M. Me, I'd prefer sooner.

[bhopeful]

Wouldn't we all prefer sooner? She knows how you feel, so I don't think that you need to bring it up again. You're going to have to be patient with her. She seems to be really enjoying the weekends with you. What can you do to move that feeling towards the weekdays too?

To me it sounds like she's committed to you. At this point, that might be all that she can offer you. You need to prove to her that you aren't going to repeat the old cycles of behavior. I believe that she will eventually come around, but you can speed the process up through your actions. Your actions, not your words are going to bring you back to a healthy R.

Peace,
B

[Forrest Gump]

The weird thing about this DB place is life comes to life.

Lan I am doing ok. Remember I am two steps ahead.

I am making you think.... That is good. Even though I have no idea where I am going. Trust me this is the blind leading the blind!!

She had a hand in this. The sarcasm did not come through.

I feel the bending. What if she feels like she is bending too? DB that.

I may be 3 steps as I am having sex.

Reading High points...

Ok just gonna throw this out there. Sleeping in the same bed. Little voice telling you to just do it. DB telling you to wait. Where is the happy medium?

Little voice tells you something missing? (From stories) Trust me I feel ya.

Maybe you feel you have laid it all on the line and yet ... Nothing?

My new thing.. Break the ice.


Example: Woman at work (married) Father died around the same time as death in my family. I reached out. Time passes and she sees me in tears at work over all the stuff. She buys me a card and some candy. Feel better. Me back at home. Christmas. 1st one without father. Her crying. I went and bought a bouquet/card. Wife (me back at home) finds emails about it. I lie.. (waiting for her to flip out) I thought there was something wrong with me doing that. Really there was not. Would I hump said women if I had the chance. Yes. Married and happy.. No. Yet somehow my wife latched onto this and saw I was lying. She called me out. I came clean. On my own. I got nothing in return. Lesson I learned is wife is smarter than me.

I broke the ice. That little voice will lead you places you hate. I can see the little voice talking to my wife. You can to.

You know what I am saying. Maybe it is cryptic. Maybe no one else understands. 9 times out of 10 I don't understand. Hell at this point I read your response to me and nothing else. I don't even know if this still applies.

I will tell you ..... Trust that little voice. It seems small. It will take time. It will take bending alot more.

But... What have you got to lose?

Stop trying to make sense of it. It won't. I will tell you Littlebitlost and you have alot in common.

After I get kids in bed I will read it all. Maybe I will post something else.

[Lanzo]

Hi bhopeful,

I hear you on what you are saying.

Weekends are great cos we now operate as a family of 3 and W loves that. Weekdays it's more difficult to have fun cos the nature of W work means she comes home tired and normally retires to bed early. But she loves to be able to say close the gate cos the 3 of us are in for the evening.

On old patterns of behaviour I can see them coming and I adapt, (well I do now) with W I don't know if she sees what she used to do wrong and if she's of a mind to change. Buit I can't control that.

We don't discuss anything at the moment we're just going with the flow, but that worries me that we have so many things left unsaid. Do I say something now and potentially rock the boat or just carry on as we are. Well I'm still thinking on that.

[Lanzo]

Hey forrest,

glad you're doing good (and getting sex)

As always you're messages are very cryptic. When I read them back on someone else's thread I can get the hidden message, when I read back on mine I'm left scratching my head.

My new thing.. Break the ice.

If I can discypher this I think I'll be able to crack the code.

Heres one of your earlier quotes to me.

My new philosophy is "No Drama" trust me your wife will be surrounded by it.

I used this "No Drama" and it got me through some dark days.

Just need to understand now " Break the Ice".

Lan

[fb2]

My new thing.. Break the ice.

I'm guessing he means take a risk, make a pass, stick your neck out ... but I could be wrong. Hey Forrest would appreciate it if you took a quick look at my sitch - I'm kind of at an impasse now and need a 180 or something.

[Lian]

We don't discuss anything at the moment we're just going with the flow, but that worries me that we have so many things left unsaid. Do I say something now and potentially rock the boat or just carry on as we are. Well I'm still thinking on that.

Hi Lanzo,
Before my wife returned to the states I asked her what can I do to try to work things out and her answer was "Just go with the flow". When I spoke with my coach right after D day, one of things she told me is to go with the flow.

It looks to me that this is a good advice and have to follow it for a long long time and try not to rock the boat