New -Devestated and Feeling Hopeless

[fooled again]

Oh Ellis, I wish I didn't know how you are feeling, but I do. You are tired from doing it all yourself, and if that's not enough, you are trying to learn something new. You have been put in a position you never asked for and never, ever thought you would be in, forced to cope not having any idea if what you are doing is right. You are doubting yourself; you haven't worked for many years and you think being 40 puts you at a disadvantage compared to the 20 yr olds you are training w/. You hurting for your D, for the rejection she feels, while hurting for yourself and the rejection you feel. You would like to curl up and hide from the world and lick your wounds, but you still have to care for your D and help her heal. You are feeling as though you are all alone and no one knows what you feel like.

I know this is hard for you to believe right now, but it will get better. Being 40 brings with it a patience and strength that you don't realize you have, and you certainly didn't have in your 20's. It is there inside of you, but you can't get to it b/c you are in too much pain. The only way to get through this is to do it, day by day, bit by bit. Each day will get a tiny bit easier. You can't do anything about what your H is doing to your D except distract her and help her concentrate on the good things in her life. My H would disappear for days at a time, no call, no text, no word. I should have known what was going on, but I refused to believe what my instinct was telling me. When my H did tell my D he would call or come see her, I would prepare her by saying it might not happen. I guess I trained her to stop believing Daddy would be there for her, but it was the only way to keep her from feeling it was her fault.

My advice to you is for neither of you to count on him at all right now. His world is about OW, and nothing else matters. Maybe he will wake up and see what he is doing, but for now, you need to act as though his word means nothing. Go to pick up your D from after care even if he says he will - your D needs to see that YOU will be there for her, YOU will never let her down, that she can ALWAYS count on her. Don't talk about why Daddy didn't come, just say you don't know but it's okay b/c you'll always take care of her.

You miss your H, but the H you miss is someone that exists only in your mind. How would you be living your life if your H was dead? Maybe that's the way to get through this. The man you knew and loved, your H the way you thought of him, he IS dead and he will never return. If your H does come back ever, he will be a different man completely, you will be a different woman completely, and your M will be completely different. It can never be the same, even if it can be fixed.

I realize now that for a long time, my H and I probably had an idea of each other in our minds that wasn't real, wasn't accurate. We lost touch w/ each other and we stopped communicating and didn't see the changes we each were going through, and b/c of that we had no idea who the other was becoming. But the image in my mind of my H hadn't changed. Now I don't know if OW is completely gone, but I'm trying to concentrate on getting to know my H all over again, as if I am dating him. Maybe when I do get to know him, who he is now, I won't like or love the person he has become and I will decide not to continue w/ him. I have to realize that the person I thought I was married to does not exist anymore - in front of me now is a new man, for the better or worse.

For now, this is what I have to do to maintain my self respect and confidence and to honestly decide what is best for me and my D. But the only way I could get to this point is by figuring out who I have become, who I am, what I want in my life. It has taken me 1.5 years to get to this point. It has been difficult, painful, many days I lost hope and faith in myself. My D has helped me get to this point, and helped keep me from feeling sorry for myself b/c I realized that I need to be a model for the kind of woman I hope my D will become. I imagined my D in the same sitch as I am in and tried to think of how I would hope that she would react.

It's still really hard, and I still have to take things day by day. I miss my old life, the one where I was a SAHM, everything was safe and good and I had no worries. I do mourn the loss of that life, but that's doesn't help me, so I have to push those feelings aside and concentrate on my life the way it is now. I know I still have a long way to go, that my M is no where near being something I can say is "fixed", that my H is still very much a stranger to me and that I very well may never get what I wish for. It doesn't sound very encouraging, but somehow it's okay b/c now I know that I will be fine no matter what happens w/ my M, and I know that I am driving my life, not just going along for the ride.

I believe you will get there too, in time, but you need to be patient w/ yourself, take it day by day and believe that somehow it will all be okay. This will not kill you.

FA

[Ellis]

Thankyou FA - so much for your response - I cant tell you how comforting it was - to know that there are people who know - really know what I am going through - the depression, the lonliness, that lost feeling - the pain of watching your D go through her changes too. I hope to get where you are some day even though I know as you said you are in your own new situation getting to know your H again and also having to explain to your D for your H that he might not show up. Yes, I do not mention my H at all to my D. She does not ask about him. SHe has probably realized this is the way it is - I live with Mommy and see Daddy every now and then. I have thought to sit her down and tell her that Daddy loves ber but is just really busy right now and will see you soon but I cant bring myself to be his cheerleader when he has been so cruel to us even though I know it would be in the best interest of my D to assure her - so she does not mention him so neither do I. No I am not counting on him and will just go ahead and pick her up every day at aftercare whether he comes or not.

You miss your H, but the H you miss is someone that exists only in your mind. How would you be living your life if your H was dead? Maybe that's the way to get through this. The man you knew and loved, your H the way you thought of him, he IS dead and he will never return. If your H does come back ever, he will be a different man completely, you will be a different woman completely, and your M will be completely different. It can never be the same, even if it can be fixed.

I realize now that for a long time, my H and I probably had an idea of each other in our minds that wasn't real, wasn't accurate. We lost touch w/ each other and we stopped communicating and didn't see the changes we each were going through, and b/c of that we had no idea who the other was becoming. But the image in my mind of my H hadn't changed.


I miss my old life, the one where I was a SAHM, everything was safe and good and I had no worries. I do mourn the loss of that life, but that's doesn't help me, so I have to push those feelings aside and concentrate on my life the way it is now.

FA

This was a really powerful statement you made. Its true - it will never be the same - I dont know him anymore. I do keep thinking of the man I knew when I miss him. I dont miss this H. I am definetly not the same. I have changed in so many ways - physically and mentally. I do not trust as I did, do not have confidence at all, and look at life very differently. I dont think you can go through something like this and not change. My H fell in love with me when I was 20 yrs old - a thin attractive woman who liked to to have fun and go out dancing. He fell out of love with a mother and housewife. I fell in love with a 27 year old sweet man who made me laugh - now he is a selfish cruel jerk who is trying to get back what he had with me when I was 20 - that fun and excitement of being single and falling in love . IT will never be the same between us I suppose if he ever did reconsider which I'm pretty sure he wont its been too many months. Maybe that is also why I feel so low lately - reality is setting in and hope is really gone.

Your Second paragraph - Yes that is exactly how I see what happened to me and my H.

I think also why I feel so down is those days are gone being at home with my D - it just represents a time that I will never get back when she was so little and needed me and now I will never get that time again - seeing her get off the bus and spending so much time with her. I guess also that was my life wife and mother and now I am no longer a wife and was told by my H in an argument "you were a lousy wife" and now I am no longer needed so much by my D. Shes growing up and becoming more independent. My H really did a number on me with my self esteem. It was not too great to begin with but he put me down when he left I know to make himself feel better at what he was doing but those words play in my head like a tape recorder - " I left because of you" He was very critical about everything - my weight at the time, my personality - I was no fun and negative - my role as a housewife - I should have taken it upon myself to go back to work without him telling me he did not want me to stay home - Its has all been so overwhelming - all of the changes. Ill just keep taking it one day at a time - that all you can do right?

[fooled again]

Ellis,

The self esteem thing is the hardest thing to deal with, I think. You believe that because of what your H has done and what he has said, you are worthless. Of course you know that is not true, but it is very hard to talk yourself out of this when you have been rejected so painfully.

I stumbled upon this last Mar or Apr after my H moved out. It helped me to wrap my mind around the idea of rejection and what it really means. For me doing so was a jumping off point to improving my self esteem and believing in myself again. Though I hadn't officially started DBing, it prepared me for the work that I had to do. I hope you take the time to read the whole chapter - you may find it helps you too. I didn't bother buying the book, but I might just do so now that I am reminded of it.
Taking Control of Your Life

I searched the net for a long time looking for things that would help me with my self esteem. I too have suffered from low self esteem my entire life. I always looked for affirmation from others - I still do to some extent (I think we all do), but I at least now I am much more aware of it. I think that believing in yourself and GALing are the most important aspects of DBing, because no matter what happens to your M, you will end up stronger, happier, healthier and better off that before you started. It's a win-win prospect.

Oh and about your D not needing you, I have found that the older my D gets, the more aware she is of the sitch, the more questions she asks, the more she needs me to help her navigate the confusing emotions. The way I started was to tell my D that she can tell me anything she is feeling or thinking and I will never get mad at her for feeling something and I will always love her no matter what she says or feels. Then I asked her if she had any questions she wanted to ask me. She didn't at first so I told her to think about it. Then a few days later I asked again. Eventually the questions started coming, and I just tried to answer them in an honest, non-judgmental way the best I could. Now I do a little check every once in awhile to see if she has more questions, usually when she has been acting out or is unusually sensitivd. She nearly always does.

I think all kids have questions, but are afraid to ask b/c they are confused. I also think that they feel some responsibility for what is going on, and they feel some sense of guilt. I believe that they often need a little prompting to feel safe enough to ask those confusing questions, that you will not be hurt by their questions, but it will be up to you to start that ball rolling. Otherwise, and this is only my opinion, I believe that they will shut up their feelings and questions inside, and I don't believe that's a healthy way to grow up.

I think you will find your connection with your D getting stronger as time goes on, not weaker. She won't need you the same way she did before, but the way that she does need you will be just as important, maybe more so.

FA

[Ellis]

FA - Thanks for your comment - I cant respond to that right now Im so mad - Just had terrible situation with H. After not seeing him for months - he shows up at the house tonight unnanounced reeking of alchol and barged his way in when my D answered the door stating hes here to get some papers for court. I was very civil and said ok and that I was going through them and would be submitting them. I was so mad - I was tired from work - looked like [censored] - the house was amess - not the impression I wanted to have when I saw him again. He acted like an [censored]. Said oh your lawyer thinks I'm rich and so I have to submit all these documents and you have them. I let him get a few papers I had already looked at and let him leave and as he was leaving he started to say how I'm making him look like a bad father by not letting him take his D to his house with OW. He has not seen her for three weeks because its too expensive to take her out to dinner and movies and he cant afford it. I said you dont have to take her to all those places - go to the library and play cards. Explained very calmly to him I did not think it was appropriate for our D. He said thats your opinion. I said well is it a romantic relationship or not than it matters - he said its none of your business. I said yes it is when it come to Isabella. He walked out and I yelled dont come back here. Oh what a mess.

[fooled again]

Oh Ellis, Breathe, breathe, breathe, slowly and evenly.

I'm so sorry your H is being such an immature child. It's not enough that he is ripping apart your world, but he is dumping his sh*t on you, the guilt and the distress he is feeling from the hassle of the legal repercussions of his actions. Well I suppose if nothing else, it makes you more determined to get stronger so he can't just walk in and do what he wants. Remember, he left and until he is willing to be mature and civil, you have every right to deny him entry. After all, it's not his home anymore.

My H was pissed off when I asked him for the keys to the house. I told him I needed to set boundaries. You need to set them too, probably more severe than mine were, but you should insist on him giving you an hour minimum notice before coming to the house, or whatever you feel is right. Remember that you do have control over your own life, and you need to take that control and let him know what you will not tolerate.

Have a bubble bath w/ your D - that's what I usually do when I feel terrible, and it always makes me feel better!

Take care of yourself.
FA

[Ellis]

Thanks FA - your posts always make me feel better. Thats the problem with DBing - how do you keep DBing showing that you are nonchalant, fake being so happy and agreeable but not let them walk on you. I think that is why I did not throw him out or create scene. I did email him very civilly after and explained how it was innapropriate what he did - and he should never have come over here drinking and not informing me he wanted to come by especially since he has not seen Bella in weeks and he does not live here anymore. I also went on to say - very nicely - remember you created the hostility in this divorce and the high lawyers bills by your treatment of me. I told him if he is respectful of me he will get it in return. I also explained the reason I dont want Bella to go over your house is shes not ready. Do you know she is very confused - your living with a woman and daughter - she feels like she has been replaced. Do you know what I got back - sarcasm and another quote of how he will never come back, how it was not meant to be. I never mentioned our relationship at all. I mentioned all the disagreeing while the divorce has been going on about lawyers and OW. So - you see - anything - and I mean anything I email him about - either respect me or concerns about Isabella - he reads as - oh shes still pining away for me - she still wants me - its unbelievable his arrogance that the only reason I dont want Bella over with OW is jelousy. HE thinks it is totally appropriate and the only reason he can see I object is jelousy. He said in his email - shell get used to it - she has gotten used to alot of things - your just giving me a hard time. It is so frustrating.

[fooled again]

Ellis,

I think your email to H was excellent. I believe that is exactly how you should be dealing w/ him - professional, detached, logical, cool and friendly, but not overly so, as though you are dealing w/ a coworker. I think you should you agree w/ any of his comments about him never coming back, like "I know you're never coming back. I've been doing alot of thinking and you're right, it wasn't meant to be. We'll both be happier and better off in the end." or things to that effect so that he has nothing to argue against. But concentrate on your D's well being, emotional health, her needs, etc., etc. I would avoid using "you" statements - that's laying blame on him - but instead say things like "she needs time to adjust", etc., and respectfully disagree w/ his comments about what you feel is and is not appropriate regarding your D. After all, you are her mother and probably know her much better than he does.

Here is a link to a really good publication our gov't has put out: Parenting After Separation . It's Cdn law, but most of it is about day to day issues regarding parenting. I found it helpful and objective, when I was feeling very emotional and confused about what was best for my D in my sitch. Let me know what you think.

Your H is likely lashing out at you b/c he knows he has f*&ked up & is responsible for tearing apart his family, even if he'd never admit it. Let him stew in his own sh*t and don't let him drag you in. This is about him & he has to work through it by himself.

You are doing great. I think we tend to give so much of ourselves away to our S & kids that we stop believing in ourselves and forget our own worth. We project that belief and then our S starts to treat us the same way & then they find someone who is worth more. I think that's the "fake it" part - if you act confident, others will believe you are confident, treat you that way and that makes you truly believe it, and then all of a sudden you realize that you are more confident - the "make it" part. A self realizing prophesy!

FA

[Ellis]

Thanks FA - I will check out that book - when I can get to a book store. I am trying to keep calm and focus on me and my D. My new job is exhausting - I have alot of studying to do and take exams weekly to move on to the next level of training. I actually got on my treadmill the other day - big step for me. My H emailed me Sunday night he wanted to see my D on MOnday night. I called him back and said fine. My daughter waited with her coat on for an hour - we left 2 voice mails - he never showed. I just dont get him. This is a man who would tell me "that little girl means the world to me - I would do anything for her". I guess actions speak louder than words. Maybe he associates her with me - like we are a package deal and in order to move on he has distanced himself from her too or maybe he is just too selfish having fun with OW and thinks oh I'll pick up visitation when the D is final. I dont know? I am using your advice and not using "you statements" when I email of phone. In fact when he did not show last night - I left a simple voice mail very nicely stating what happened Isabella was waiting - maybe you should let me know a little further in advance if you cant make it - thanks. WHen I felt like saying - you jerk your daughter was sitting in her coat for an hour waiting for you - there is no excuse not to pick up the phone and say you cant make it. TO date his last visit with her was 1/3 - thats 26 days. I could not imaging not seeing her that long.

[Michael Mc C]

Yep, sad but true. This fantasy world of theirs works best when they can block all of reality out. My W ignored my 3 kids for months. She saw them every day (we share the house) but she would escape into her online world and leave them to their own devices. She, too, always said she would do anything for her children.

She has since become more attentive to their needs, but not as patient as she once was.

Keep strong for your D and give her whatever support she needs to help her through you H's insanity. Don't make excuses for him and don't "beat him up" - just make sure she at least feels love coming from you.

[LL44]

My daughter waited with her coat on for an hour

Ok, what a jerk. My heart breaks thinking of her with her coat on, waiting for Daddy.....

26 days??? I miss them after 26 hours! These spouses are missing out on so much. So pathetic.

Sorry about your new job being so exhausting, hope you can sleep at night.