Jak and Matilda, Things have been more peaceful since my W resigned her position about a week ago. She is percolating ideas on how she will spend her free time. She is going to begin preparing to look into the feasibility of buying some rental property. She has talked about this for years.
I've resumed my dance schedule, having danced three times this week. My W joined me for lessons on Thursday, and we went out last night.
She shared that she moved to Florida in 03' with the idea of leaving the M, so that she could remarry someone to have children with. It was bothering her that the opportunity to have children was passing her by. I was not aware of this. She has since made peace with this issue.
I've started reading, The Art of Friendship by Roger Horchow. I enjoy time connecting with the dance community and want to become better at deepening relationships with acquaintances. I haven't made friendship a priority in the past so would like to get better at it.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, Love the title of your thread. My H is a conflict coward.
You sound great. You are focusing on you and the positives. Way to go.
Your W's recent revelation must have hurt you. But at the same time, please see this as a step forward. She shared something very personal with you. She is opening up to you. You are her rock. Remember that.
Meantime, continue to focus on your own stability. The dance thing sounds great and clearly it is sometihng that makes you happy.
You are a great man and a great H. It is clear to me when I read your posts. Just remember to tell yourself that every day.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS is right Cl your W did share something very personal to her and you should look at it as a big baby step in the right direction. It sounds like she is finding some peace without the pressures of a job she disliked.
Glad you had a good week end. I have been hoping to see you get back to your dance. Now i have to get back to the gym starting today! Don't want my new twin grandchildren to see a gramma when they look at me fior the first time.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I wanted to post to you on your thread but it is locked also.
I read some of your posts and your H sounds just like mine in the avoiding conflict thing. As im sure CL has noticed. My H just wants me to forget anything ever happened and go on as before. (he has been very attentive)It is hard for me not to think about things or read into every one of H's moves now because of DBing but i do not say anything to him if I feel anxious because most of the time it is me not him. If I have an issue that I can't work through and that needs to be addressed then i bring it up but, for the most part I have no tongue left.
CL, Sorry to high-jack your thread. Any input wise one?
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
PS, Matilda, Jak, Being, and Aud, Yesterday, I celebrated my birthday at my dance venue. There is a weekly ritual in which those with birthdays get the dance floor, and partners of the opposite sex (usually) line-up to dance and extend their best wishes. It's a wonderful ritual, that promotes connection in the dance community.
I was content to be low-key about my birthday, but had decided that if my name was announced for the birthday dance, I would participate. My W joined me last night, and did behind the scenes work of passing around a card, promoting my birthday, and organizing the dance. It was a special and memorable moment, and I'm grateful to my W for allowing it to happen.
She still pesters me to get a new job or PT job. I respond with some irritation that I'm quite happy where I'm at, and that I feel that I make a respectable salary to contribute to the household. She responds that I than need to help in other ways to increase household income. I told her that I would assist in doing research for rental property. My conflict management book advises to think in terms of what the other person desires, and not accept their initial position if you deem it to be unfair.
I'm reading The Art of Friendship, by Roger Horchow. One of his ideas, is that we should be grateful for any positive relationship we have in our life, even if it's an acquaintance. I'm trying to be mindful of this. I'm also trying to be more proactive about cultivating connection with people, and starting meaningful conversations, by asking questions that I believe the other person would be interested in talking about.
My W is now working only her cooking job. We'll see how she adapts to her free time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, PS, and Jak, We had a cycle of turbulence and recovery again. My W wanted to take me to a moderately expensive restaurant. Since she is not working at this time, except for her PT cooking job, I offered to "let her off the hook."
It backfired. It caused a reaction about money and feeling poor and powerless. She was angry with me the entire evening, and vented again to her sister about what a terrible H I am.
Part of her emotional "meltdown" involved again the theme of regret for not having children. She told me that she went to Florida in 03' with the intent of finding someone to have a child with. I didn't ask her why she came back. She did not tell me at the time that this was why she left.
I asked her why she was not more adamant about having children in the early years of our M. I was ambivalent about having children, and she told me at the time that I wasn't father material due to my intimacy issues. I needed a woman to build up my confidence that I could handle such an undertaking. Yet, the paradox is that, in hindsight, she wanted me to take the lead and put the pieces in place that would allow for us to have children. I feel badly for her pain, but she will have to accept it at some point.
The other perpetual issue is money. I told her that I would update my resume, and test the market and see if I can increase my salary. I told her that I will only take a position if it's something in my field that I would enjoy. I'm going to hold my ground about adding a PT position.
We spent the day today, due to the holiday, going to a local museum, and had a great time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Part of her emotional "meltdown" involved again the theme of regret for not having children.
Would you like to borrow my D17 for a few days? That might change her feelings of regret
Re. the money....how can she expect YOU to get a better paying job when she quit her job??? Doesn't seem fair!! (However, I had planned to quit my job and find a part time job before H told me he wanted a divorce. Of course, he already had a good job and could easily have supported both of us!!) I agree that you should only change jobs if its good for YOU!
Would your wife consider being a Big Sister? (Big Brother/Big Sister --don't they always need volunteers?) I know it's not the same as having your own child, but it seems like it could be emotionally rewarding.
My H just wants me to forget anything ever happened and go on as before. (he has been very attentive)It is hard for me not to think about things or read into every one of H's moves now because of DBing but i do not say anything to him if I feel anxious because most of the time it is me not him. If I have an issue that I can't work through and that needs to be addressed then i bring it up but, for the most part I have no tongue left.