W asked me to pick up D12 at 5 pm. Said she would pick up our carpool kid at 3:30 but wouldn't be able to pick up D12.
She comes home at 3:30 after dropping off the other kid, and ends up talking to D17 who is unhappy about school and life. Around 4:20 or so she is done talking. I ask her if I still need to pick up D12 at 5pm because I thought W has to be somewhere.
She says no, she will pick her up. I said 'Oh, I thought you had to be somewhere?' Then says she "wasn't sure if she would have to be making dinner at 5 when she asked me to pick up D12". Then in the course of the conversation says she "thought she might be still spending time with her friend 'S' but they couldn't".
Lie. Her friend 'S' lives far enough away that for her to come home at 3:30 and then go back to 'hang out' with her is impractical. And the "I thought I'd have to be making dinner???" That has never been a reason for me to pick up D12 unless W is home and is MAKING dinner and asks me to pick her up. Not asking in advance.
She didn't seem upset that she missed whatever she had planned, just a little disappointed.
I let it hurt me. Stupid Stupid Stupid.
She then asked me if I was going to go to the talk at her work that the owner is giving on 'dealing with stress and anxiety'. I had originally wanted to go because I might get something out of it.
Then she added that she was only going to stay at the talk for 1/2 hour because she is supposed to meet her girlfriend at the Salsa dance bar tonight as they had arranged the other day. I said that maybe I'd skip it so I'd be home with the kids. She said 'are you sure or is there another reason? I can stay home with them till I have to go meet (friend)'.
I thought about it and said "I guess the kids will be ok for an hour so I will go. I might learn something".
Which I might. And I realize that I wasn't going to go because I didn't want to get hurt when I see her leave to go meet up with her friend.
But, it's an opportunity to maybe learn something about anxiety and stress in my life. And I'm NOT doing things because of the pain I am AFRAID of feeling. Maybe I NEED the pain to make it easier to let her go. Maybe being exposed to her behavior will push me farther away from her quicker. Help me to see who she really is. Selfish.
I wish this would go faster. I wish I didn't have to feel these feelings.
