I sense such a kind, gentle and supportive spirit about you, Deauxlie, and at this place in my life, I need and appreciate that kindness. Thank you.
H and I lived through several truly horrendous years, with absolutely no idea of what was causing the nightmare, and no skills to deal with it, either before or after discovering the root of the problem. And I know that I hurt him, alot. I have asked for his forgiveness, from the bottom of my heart. While I may know that he still loves me, I also believe that part of him doesn't want to love me. And that confuses him. He is afraid to trust, he is afraid that I will revert to bad behaviors again. He gives me no credit for working through some MAJOR issues. He has seen some of the changes firsthand. Other people have told him of the changes I have made. But he refuses to acknowledge them, at least openly. And that hurts.
But I also feel that if he chooses to reject me and our marriage, he will ultimately lose someone who means everything to him. His that fear and pride might make him do that. And he will lose someone who truly loves him AND his warts.
The sad thing is is that he does choose to reject me and our marriage on a daily basis. We are still legally married, so at this point, I have no interest in developing a new relationship, After our divorce is final, though, I will, at some point in time, be interested in meeting someone new. And THAT person IS going to have a fabulous lady in their life. I just wish it was H.
