I've been reading this board off and on for several months. At first, it was a nightly visit, but after a while, I decided it was time to do something, so I GOT A LIFE. I got a job, lost 45 pounds, made new friends, and worked on the house doing projects that H could never get around to doing. And I stopped coming here because I had no time!
But now I did something REALLY stupid. I totally blew it. And I am lost as to what to do.
Brief history. Married nine years, no kids together. (We are WAY past the age of having more children!) I spent 6 of those years ill, with one major health crisis after another. And being tired of being sick all the time, I became cranky, demanding and he waited on me hand and foot. (Quite the enabler that he is... honestly). For our own reasons, we each became angry. I was angry at my situation, and the toll it took on everyone. He became angry because I seemed un-appreciative, selfish and hedonistic.
Neither of us could change the fact that I was sick, but then again, we never talked about the effect is was having on us. And we certainly never talked about our feelings! Last May was our breaking point, and he moved out.
Since then, there has been very little communication. We talk by e-mail when HE feels like it. Oh, and we communicate through lawyers. I have seen him only once.
Now that it is D-Day, he has begun to soften a little. Making small talk in the e-mails, rather than just sending nasty notes, or discussing the property settlement. Offering to delay the divorce until a few wrinkles get cleared up in my life. That sort of thing.
And I was doing great. As I said, I had gotten a life, a good life, except that he wasn't in it. I went dark when I had to. I haven't had to see a doctor in six months. That sort of thing. And what do I do????
I sent him an e-mail, basically begging him to reconsider everything. The kind of e-mail that would probably send ANYONE running! I know a few things. I know he still loves me. I know he has issues to deal with, mostly trust. And I blew it.
Now what do I do? Stay silent for awhile? Just accept the final papers when they come in the mail? I am sick about this. I really am.
If you try to do anything, you'll just draw more attention to it, I fear. I think you do your best to NOT act like the kind of person that sent the email. Hopefully he will pay more attention to you, than the email.
If you try to do anything, you'll just draw more attention to it, I fear. I think you do your best to NOT act like the kind of person that sent the email. Hopefully he will pay more attention to you, than the email.
Wow Jeff, that is good advice.. and I know that it makes be feel like atleast I can redeem myself when I backslide...LOL like I did today... but being serious... it is so hard to forgive ourselves when we backslide we try to scramble to find a way to make ammends, so thanks for the different approach!
me:29, H 33 Bomb- 11/06/2006 I came home from work to find that he had moved out into an apartment. next day he says he wants to work on our marriage but will not return until he feels right. kids-4 m-10 years T- 13 years another Bomb-Sept '07 OW confirmed...
Oh, how many times we've ALL screwed up by doing something similar!? Sometimes it's 2 steps forward, and 1 step back. The only thing you can do now is re-focus, re-group, and carry on. And as the above poster said, he'll likely be a lot less aware (or scared off) than you think.
Hang in there!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Thanks, everyone. My greatest hope CAN be that it blows right over his head, but I doubt that it will. And since we don't ever cross physical paths, e-mail has been the only way he knows of what is happening in my life. And he gets news from his mother, since she and I are still friends and do things together. I guess I will take whatever comes and go with it, even though that sounds so defeatist. And it is.
It's possible that it wasn't a screw up, you know.
You've been doing the same thing for months.
As the d nears, he has been reaching out.
Maybe, just maybe, he was looking for encouragement that he could stop this train?
In my sitch my H didn't really believe I loved him enough to fight for us until I did. Which one of you was typically the pursuer in the relationship? Sometimes ya gotta shake things up.
I have been fighting for him and for our marriage all along. I have given him all kinds of encouragement... by e-mail, since that is his preferred method of communication. I get no response. So, I backed off initially, went dark and GAL.
What I have realized recently is that a lot of pent up energy went into the GAL. I had to do something or go nuts. Now that my life has evened out a bit, and the emotional roller coaster is slowing down, I am not actively pursuing new activities. Maybe it is because it is winter and the days are dreary and short. Maybe it is because I am tired of "running". I don't know.
I did have to ask a favor of H. Well, I didn't HAVE to ask him, but I did. And he said he would help. That, in itself, was a surprise, and I mistakenly assumed he might be warming up. WRONG. The day of the favor came, and while he did the favor I asked, he was as cold as ice.
I am truly grateful that he helped me. But I feel so defeated. I want to give up. But my heart keeps telling me, "NO! Give him time, he WILL come around." But my head tells me I am being a fool.
I guess going totally dark is my only alternative for now.
He has issues. He has to work through them for either of you to be happy. I'm so sorry, but we just don't have any control over when that will happen.
It's pretty common for them to act cold during/after giving you hope by making contact/doing something for you. It makes them feel pressured. I think you are right, going dark is the best alternative for now.
Maybe getting a life doesn't have to be something exhausting. The key is to do something that takes the focus off of the WAS and puts the energy into learning something new about the world, about yourself... anything that'll make you stronger as you build a life that will be full-- with or without him in it.
You are getting healthy. Clearing up the "wrinkles" in your life. That takes a lot of energy! I wasn't the type to go out and learn how to snowboard either. The key is to do things that enrich you and not do the same things that got you where you don't want to be.
You will be fabulous. You will be someone anyone would be lucky to have in their life. You are not a fool. Give YOURSELF time.
I sense such a kind, gentle and supportive spirit about you, Deauxlie, and at this place in my life, I need and appreciate that kindness. Thank you.
H and I lived through several truly horrendous years, with absolutely no idea of what was causing the nightmare, and no skills to deal with it, either before or after discovering the root of the problem. And I know that I hurt him, alot. I have asked for his forgiveness, from the bottom of my heart. While I may know that he still loves me, I also believe that part of him doesn't want to love me. And that confuses him. He is afraid to trust, he is afraid that I will revert to bad behaviors again. He gives me no credit for working through some MAJOR issues. He has seen some of the changes firsthand. Other people have told him of the changes I have made. But he refuses to acknowledge them, at least openly. And that hurts.
But I also feel that if he chooses to reject me and our marriage, he will ultimately lose someone who means everything to him. His that fear and pride might make him do that. And he will lose someone who truly loves him AND his warts.
The sad thing is is that he does choose to reject me and our marriage on a daily basis. We are still legally married, so at this point, I have no interest in developing a new relationship, After our divorce is final, though, I will, at some point in time, be interested in meeting someone new. And THAT person IS going to have a fabulous lady in their life. I just wish it was H.
