Frank, it doesn't matter if she gave you a lap dance while buck-ass naked.
Nothing she does or says is dependable at this time so stop trying to "read" every move she makes.
Stick to your own issues.
Bworl, AmyC,
Thank you.
I'm making it a goal to keep focus on me, and just not discuss anything she is doing any more.
I'm sitting here looking at the bills and seeing how desparate things are and thinking "I have to stay focused on doing things that make money". Even though she's making money this week because business has randomly picked up, it isn't enough to make a big difference. Only I have that earning power and I am alone in this with no support at home.
I have my friends now, and the power of God. All I have to do is allow it to work and stay out of my own way.
I can't deal with her any more. It's dragging me into a 'fight' that I shouldn't be involved in.
Hmm, W came home tonight from working all day. Calls me on the intercom and asks me if I'll go to the store to get some bread so we can have it with dinner. I say 'sure, nor problem'. Then she says "if you go to Trader Joes you can get the (some kind, I forgot) bread and also pick me up a bottle of that wine I like - I'll give you money for it...
Caught me off guard with that one and I kind of 'snickered' because I though how ridiculous the request was. Here it is now, I AM buying HER wine after all her anger at ME for using alcohol to deal with my stress.
She suddenly got p*issed and said "forget it, I don't need it".
I just said "I'll be right out". Went to the kitchen and she was angry / hurt and would not turn and face me but talked to me with her back turned. I asked her if she had a hard day and she says "Yes, a lot of needy people and I'm just drained".
Used to be I'd hold her till she felt better but I just asked her if we needed anything else besides the bread and she said we were all set because she had shopped for groceries yesterday.
So, I left and went to the store. Got the bread and the wine she wanted and she seemed a little calmer when I got home, thanked me and I left to go back to my office where I am working on getting stuff done so I can pay my f'ing bills.
I'm sitting here looking at the bills and seeing how desparate things are and thinking "I have to stay focused on doing things that make money". Even though she's making money this week because business has randomly picked up, it isn't enough to make a big difference. Only I have that earning power and I am alone in this with no support at home.
Here's something concrete...polish up your resume. You've been in business for yourself for so long, it might just be the righ time to pull back a bit and take a full-time position with insurance, a good salary, etc.
Here's something concrete...polish up your resume. You've been in business for yourself for so long, it might just be the righ time to pull back a bit and take a full-time position with insurance, a good salary, etc.
Theoden,
Thank you for this suggestion, and for calling me today. I want to share my response to this idea on the board.
You've seen my 'resume' on LinkedIn.com and well, you KNOW who I am. I FORGOT who I am.
as Val Kilmers character said in the move 'Real Genius':
"When you're smart, people need you".
People DO need me. And if I was going to say "what is my souls purpose?" it would be "To be Frank, as described in the list of words above".
So, to 'be' Frank I need to make the projects I currently have WORK if it is possible. Well, I can. I believe in one of them and I will make it work. That will be 'win #1'.
Which, is just the beginning.
As far as W? Well, there's nothing I can do. She is who she is and her reaction to my downfall has been cowardly. And to the extent that I keep my mental attitude set so that I visualize her as 'gone' it helps me see the peace that will come to me in the future, once I'm no longer reacting to her, and letting those reactions turn into fear.
Instead, I'll be self sufficient and make decisions based on what is right for me, and for my family.
The interactions are still confusing but affecting me less and less. Last night W went to bed early and when I went to change into night clothes she was reading. at one point I saw her looking at me, and I turned to her and said "What?". She just smiled at me and 'waved hi'. Weirdo.
A little bit later I came back up and she was almost asleep so I went to turn off the light and she opened her eyes half awake and said "No, I have stuff to do, laundry, putting D12 to bed..." I laughed and said "Sure you do. I'll throw your laundry in the dryer for you and I'll spend time with D12 and get her settled"
I turned off the light, and left to do the things that needed to be done.
I felt very 'Alpha Male' and empowered. I'm in charge. Whether she 'reacts' or not is unimportant. I showed some unconditional love for her and took care of my family, even in it's broken state. Then I went to my office and spent some more time sorting out the bills, figuring what I HAD to pay and what I could defer.
Taking action instead of being stuck.
Watched 'Legend' last night and after D17's boyfriend brought her home and she had to go to bed, he stayed and watched the last 1/2 hour with me. What a gift that was. Here is a guy I scared the bejesus out of 3 months ago and now he's asking me for advice, and likes hanging out with me. Cool.
I got in bed thinking 'good thoughts' and lay down. A few minutes later I felt my W's hand lying on my head because she rolled over and stretched her arm out. Not to touch me on purpose, just rolled over. I thought about how I could 'read' something into this but instead I realized that in the morning things would be 'the same' and it meant nothing.
And morning came, things are the same. She's pleasant to me and I continue detaching. Still sad but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Now, talk is cheap. Make it happen. I KNOW you can.
Strength and Honor.
Yes, if only it were already 'permanent'. Still cycling through the anxiety when W is around, or when she's going somewhere and doesn't tell me where. Like FIB, I need to learn not to care. It's not about her any more, she's crazy. She only measures her life with me by what she DOESN'T have. Not by what she DOES have.
It's about me now. I know this will get easier after a while.
FIB cares. DEEPLY. So do I frank. And I am divorced.
What we learn is that we DEEPLY care but we cannot control it, so we do for US.
I need not to care WHAT SHE IS DOING. I'll always CARE. Is there a reason you need to pick my words apart?
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It's not about her any more, she's crazy.
No she is not. That is YOU rationalizing that you are right and she is wrong, 0/100. Nothing more.
No it isn't. Her behaviors are contradictory, which in my mind is a little 'crazy'.
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She only measures her life with me by what she DOESN'T have. Not by what she DOES have.
So. Does she OWE you frank?
I repeat, does she OWE you??????
You "saved her"??? So she owes you?
You saved YOU two years ago. Only YOU. Let that fact sink in. Think hard.
When did I say she 'owes me'? Her words: "I'm not happy, I don't have the fulfilling life I want. 'Other people' have happy lives. 'Other people' feel love deeply. I'm sorry I couldn't make my marriage work. I'm sorry I can't keep my commitment/vows".
Um, we still have our home. She knows I love her. She says she loves me. Our kids are healthy. The foundation for a good life is all here, she only had to come to the table and HELP me build it. Inside I am still the same man, with the same potential when given the proper support to get out of my hole in the ground.
That's what we HAVE.
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It's about me now. I know this will get easier after a while.
It will get easier only if. Only if YOU change for YOU.
Correct.
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But what about her? Kick her to the curb?? I can go on - think about it. What do YOU want here??
I think we're beyond the 'kick her to the curb' conversation. I have no intention of doing that. What do I want? I want to be a better man, like I used to be. I want a wife who appreciates me even when I'm down.
What do you want? Why are you focusing your anger at me? What is it about you that you are angry about because I can tell that your comments aren't about me. What's going on Jeff?
