Here's something concrete...polish up your resume. You've been in business for yourself for so long, it might just be the righ time to pull back a bit and take a full-time position with insurance, a good salary, etc.
Theoden,
Thank you for this suggestion, and for calling me today. I want to share my response to this idea on the board.
You've seen my 'resume' on LinkedIn.com and well, you KNOW who I am. I FORGOT who I am.
as Val Kilmers character said in the move 'Real Genius':
"When you're smart, people need you".
People DO need me. And if I was going to say "what is my souls purpose?" it would be "To be Frank, as described in the list of words above".
So, to 'be' Frank I need to make the projects I currently have WORK if it is possible. Well, I can. I believe in one of them and I will make it work. That will be 'win #1'.
Which, is just the beginning.
As far as W? Well, there's nothing I can do. She is who she is and her reaction to my downfall has been cowardly. And to the extent that I keep my mental attitude set so that I visualize her as 'gone' it helps me see the peace that will come to me in the future, once I'm no longer reacting to her, and letting those reactions turn into fear.
Instead, I'll be self sufficient and make decisions based on what is right for me, and for my family.
The interactions are still confusing but affecting me less and less. Last night W went to bed early and when I went to change into night clothes she was reading. at one point I saw her looking at me, and I turned to her and said "What?". She just smiled at me and 'waved hi'. Weirdo.
A little bit later I came back up and she was almost asleep so I went to turn off the light and she opened her eyes half awake and said "No, I have stuff to do, laundry, putting D12 to bed..." I laughed and said "Sure you do. I'll throw your laundry in the dryer for you and I'll spend time with D12 and get her settled"
I turned off the light, and left to do the things that needed to be done.
I felt very 'Alpha Male' and empowered. I'm in charge. Whether she 'reacts' or not is unimportant. I showed some unconditional love for her and took care of my family, even in it's broken state. Then I went to my office and spent some more time sorting out the bills, figuring what I HAD to pay and what I could defer.
Taking action instead of being stuck.
Watched 'Legend' last night and after D17's boyfriend brought her home and she had to go to bed, he stayed and watched the last 1/2 hour with me. What a gift that was. Here is a guy I scared the bejesus out of 3 months ago and now he's asking me for advice, and likes hanging out with me. Cool.
I got in bed thinking 'good thoughts' and lay down. A few minutes later I felt my W's hand lying on my head because she rolled over and stretched her arm out. Not to touch me on purpose, just rolled over. I thought about how I could 'read' something into this but instead I realized that in the morning things would be 'the same' and it meant nothing.
And morning came, things are the same. She's pleasant to me and I continue detaching. Still sad but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
