My name is Judi. I live in Georgia. I am a true southern lady. I believe in having good manners, and speaking to people on the street. When I was in New York I met two men on the subway train who were absolutely adorable and they told me I was very approachable and had such an open face and friendly manner. I will never forget them and that is the impression I will always have of NY. But, I tell that to say that is what people who actually meet me think of me. The women I work with truly love me. My children love me. I am a good friend and mother and daughter. I wish I'd been a better wife.
I am a Christian. It doesn't matter what denomination because I truly believe in heaven we'll all be God's children, not segregated by our denominations. But, I am a Christian through and through, to the marrow of my bone.
I've had a hard time at times visiting this bb because my beliefs in what my M meant made me feel very guilty for coming here and complaining and running down my H. Telling many of the things he has done. I should never have done that. I did complain, a lot. This is where I came when I was angry and had no one in the "real" world to complain to. Out here, the people who know me are hurt by seeing me hurt and so the bb was a "safe" place to dump all the toxic waste running through me.
God promised me a long time ago that He was in control of my situation. He showed me scripture that gave me the peace and faith to survive each day. The days I didn't trust Him enough I turned to the bb. I don't post anywhere else. I don't have a little black book of bb's to go to looking for answers or support. It's all here. For the world to see, unfortunately.
I don't take to 2x4's well. I'll be the first to admit that. I don't hit others with them because as a southern belle, it's just not nice. It's my hang up, I realize. But, really who likes to hear people tell them in the midst of the storm that they are to blame because they could have left, or not said this, or done that differently. Not me.
I quit taking my "happy pills" a while back and I'm sure that is where some of the sensitivity has come from, but, truth be told, I've always been sensitive.
There are a lot of things I've never posted because I know some are turned off by anything "religious" and of course "little 'ole me" didn't want to offend.
I believe in marriage. I believe God hates divorce. I don't believe my H leaving me frees me of my commitment to my H and my God. I made a promise. I don't break promises, especially to God. Period. There's so much I could say about what I believe, but really, who cares what Judi thinks. Just me, God and thankfully now, my H.
I think our M may have turned a corner. I'm afraid to trust my H and that will always be a struggle, but I trust my God completely and He will never lie to me. My M will be restored. Somehow I know it. I think it's in the process.
This past week has been a time of real, honest sharing with my H. He was ready to hear and I was ready to share where I've been during these past two years and what I believe.
Last night he sat down beside me, while I was lying in our bed, and he said "I'm sorry." I told him I was too. He asked me to keep praying. I will.
I pray for many of you here. I have a list in my bible. I wish you all the best. I've grown up, finally. I found Judi. Sunflower was a terrified creature who was looking all over the place for the magic bullet to fix her situation.
I want Brue to know that I was never mad. I am so far beyond getting mad at anyone for such small things after what I've been through. I know you meant well, Brue.
AH, Hope, Sue Snodderly and Vali--I love you guys. I will never forget you, ever. I pray God gives you His best. It would be so much better than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves.
I'm going to see if the moderator will remove my posts because I'm ashamed that I exposed my H in such a way. I may lurk sometimes to see how you all are.
If I could say one thing: Don't ever believe God isn't able. I have a favorite star that I always look for if I'm out in the evening. If He can hang that star in the sky, He certainly can restore a M when one person is truly committed to trusting Him to do it in His way, in His time.
Sun signing off and Judi walking into her future. xxx
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
