I have had the same concern. When H had the 6-week A in 2002, he mentioned that when he started his new job 4 months before, I hadn't been supportive of all that came with his promotion and our move. In my defense, I was 7 months pregnant, quit my job to move with him, and was living in a hotel room w/two cats and a stinky litterbox, working 30 hrs/week and house hunting. I didn't have time to think let alone be supportive of him. But I know that was a mistake, I included that in my "Detach w/love" letter two weeks ago. I acknowledged that w/each baby and each move, I was wrapped up in my needs and didn't help him with his needs. So, when he came home today, I did say, "let me know if there is anything I can do to help or support you". But I am not going to hover or mother-hen him bc that is what usually annoys him. I guess he wants a certain level of "restrained support" (if there is such a thing!?) and I am going to have to learn how to give enough but not too much. Regarding my previous post, I got a TM at 4:15 while driving kids up to my mom's in Iowa: "No furniture or apt. Going in to talk to Tim (boss' boss) tomorrow to find out what is really going on" I waited an hour so he wouldn't think I was sitting by the phone waiting for him, then replied "Good luck talking w Tim I hope you get what you want from him & keep your job-don't let them screw you." I didn't mention his comments re. the furniture or apartment. BC as far as I know he still plans to move in with a bachelor buddy or something affordable like that. He never said he wasn't moving out. What sucks is even if he stays at this point it appears to be for financial reasons, not R reasons. So it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. If the talk goes well tomorrow and his job is safe, he could just call the apt. and furniture people and do what he was already going to do. Because he has a hard time with honesty and pride, I have also considered the possibility that he decided he didn't want to move out (which he TOLD me last night he didn't want to), but couldn't admit that to me, so he fabricated the boss confrontation to have a reason to stay at the house. In retrospect, the entire event of him calling me, coming home, and going back to work fit in to his usual 11:30-12:30 lunch hour....? If that is the case that stinks too bc even if he stayed bc he really wants to, he is still lying to me to hide his feelings from me. So it is almost worse that he isn't moving out. BC I just got home at 8:00pm and his stuff is all still here, so I don't know if that means he is staying here, or what. I am going about my business doing more tax preparation on the computer tonight (and checking the BBs!). It was my plan to come home around 8 or 9 and do my own thing knowing he had moved out and I was moving on for now. But now I am wondering if/when he will show up. This will suck if it is going to be this way indefinitely....Oh well I will try to just keep on keepin' on. But it is going to be annoying to me if he keeps living here but comes and goes as he pleases. I was actually READY for him to move out today. One other thing though I considered the possibility that I already told him the kids were going to Iowa and I would be out for the evening so maybe he just went out with the guys or got dinner out bc he didn't want to come home to our empty house? Got to stop overanalyzing.
So H called at 9:45 last night. Told me he was coming home soon, he was doing some digging and thinks he knows why his job is in danger. Told him I was working on a teaching app. for a full-time job bc the district website for our town posted 4 elementary vacancies today. I want to be on top of the job hunt thing!
When H got home, I was knee-deep in application paperwork. He actually stopped and stood in the kitchen w/me and talked to me about what was going on--he used to do that but hasn't in quite a while. Basically while H was in Denver on vacation, boss thought he was off interviewing w/a rival company (H found out through the typical office grapevine). So I guess they are trying to "break up" with him before he "dumps" them, that's one way to put it. So he basically spent the evening doing detective work, then trying to network to find a new job. He said no matter how the talk w/Big Boss (Boss'Boss) goes today, he is getting out. Stepping up the job search big time. Doesn't want to deal w/their sh!t anymore. I did my best to listen and affirm what he was saying, didn't tell him what to do or debate anything he said. I encouraged him on getting a different job, told him I want him to find something that will make him happy. [I think a ton of OUR problems are actually related to his anger/frustration/hatred of his job situation.] I also told him I thought he would really like the move to Omaha bc he could build a house on his parents' farm (something he has always wanted to do, even before we got married he said it was his dream that WE (as a family) could build on the farm someday). Then he says, "I know you are applying for jobs here but there is a real possibility I am moving to Omaha." Notice he said I not WE. I asked soon or not soon, he said if it happens it will be very soon (within 6-8 weeks). Then he mentions that he put the furniture on hold until Thurs. and has until today to decide on the apartment. WTF? He LIED to both places telling them his flight was canceled in Denver and he hadn't gotten back in town yet. It frustrates me that he lies over unimportant things, he could have told the apt. his job was in danger and he didn't know if he'd have the $ to rent it. Part of our issue is his seeming need to lie about things big and small. He acknowledges that for the most part so I did NOT bring it up last night since I was glad he was sharing w/me.
I did offer one opinion, I said if you may be moving soon I would hesitate to move in on a 6 month lease, then move after 1 month and have to pay the rest of the lease anyway. He said, "I know, that is why I held off. I will decide today after talking to BigBoss."
I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him to stay w/me,so I reminded him of his earlier plan to live w/a bachelor buddy from work and said he could always do that. He said "Maybe" but I could tell from his face and body language he is NOT interested in moving in w/someone else.
Then he went downstairs to get on the computer & look up a buddy of ours from Canda, we used to live in Wichita at the same time while they both worked for another company. I came down to get paperwork for my application, and heard their banter. He sounded like the "Real Husband", no alien in sight. I made a few witty comments about the guy he was talking to and he relayed them to the guy--"Bobbi says sorry I woke you up....Bobbi says she figured you'd be passed out by now", etc., referencing me to his friend (something we always used to do). H has always liked my smart-a$$ sense of humor and witt/sarcasm. So for him to pick up on it and share it again like he used to felt awesome.
SOOO, why am I writing? I have a question.
On one hand, my H has complained in the past of me not being supportive enough when he is having a hard time, ESPECIALLY job troubles. So, should I be supportive of the job situation? I know he doesn't want me to help with the actual job search, but should I send him encouraging TMs, like today bc he is meeting with Big Boss? Or a message that just says I am thinking of you, hope your situation works out, something like that? But I don't want to pursue and chase him away. Just want him to know I support him.....
On the other hand, I am getting so tired of the see-saw routine. "I am not getting the apartment, I might get the apartment, I stopped the furniture, I might get the furniture (he says we can always use it at the house, no need to cancel even if he doesn't move. Like we need 2 kitchen tables?!)." And to say "I am moving to Omaha". Of course I asked if that meant me & the kids and he said he assumed so. But what, would he live with his parents and me and the kids with my parents (we are both from the same hometown 30 min. from Omaha)? Would we still be separating? Just bc he moves doesn't fix anything w/us.
My sister this morning suggested I apply for jobs here in the KC area, and back in my hometown. Then stay wherever I get a FT job bc if it doesn't work out w/H, I need a way to support myself. So I thought about telling H that I was applying for jobs in both places and would stay wherever I got one since he didn't know if I fit in his future plans. Guess that would be viewed as a bit of an ultimatum though since he'd have to commit to trying to R with me if he wanted me to live where he lived? But that is what is so frustrating, he has already TOLD me he wants to "work on" our M, to "try to fix" our M. But yet he wants to move out?
At this exact time, what should I do? Be supportive of his needs while he figures out his job and living arrangements? Or just move forward with my own job hunt, taking care of me, which means I may get a job 2 1/2 hours away from H? Even if we end up with the Big D, I don't really want us that far apart for the sake of easier, more frequent visitation opportunities.Thanks for suggestions!!
So when my H says fast, he means fast. At 11:00 last night he was on the phone w/a former co-worker who lives in Canada. Today H texts me around 11, we send several back and forth for about 10 min, then I have a voicemail from him--must have called while I replied to one of his TMs. Anyway he wanted me to call him at work. I haven't done that in almost 3 weeks, trying to give him his space and all--which by the way he has noticed and commented on Anyway I call at work and he asks where I am, what I'm doing, etc. which we had just texted about. I told him I was out dropping off the last of my sub paperwork to 3 districts and the first full-time app. to another district. Then he tells me he has to go bc he has a phone interview with his friend from Canada's boss (the guy has another location in Omaha) at 11:30 so he has to go on lunch to go do the interview. I wish him luck and that was the last I heard from him....
So at 11:00 last night, he calls the buddy. By 11:00 this morning, he has an interview? And I suppose by 11:00 tonight he will have a new job in Omaha!? He does move fast.
One other thing on the whole apartment/moving deal. During our text exchange, I asked, "So what is your living situation?" He replies, "Good question". So I guess he doesn't know yet what to do. He was meeting with Big Boss this afternoon to see what was going on. I gathered from our texts/talk that H wanted the interview first, I suppose if it went well he'd have leverage when talking with BB. So maybe he got a new job, maybe he has quit the old one or gotten fired, I don't know. I am honestly too busy getting my own life on track to spend time worrying about it.
I did tell H on the phone today that I was applying for a FT job down here and in Iowa. I said, "Wherever I get hired is where I will be living bc right now I am in limbo and have to make sure I have myself taken care of". He replied, "I am in the same boat". Well yes H is possibly getting a new job and may move but his limbo is NOT QUITE the same as mine....oh well. At least we had a few good texts and a nice discussion.
Tonight is bowling night but I just don't care anymore. I am so tired, up till midnight doing applications and running around two counties today dropping off apps. Now I am leaving to drive 90 minutes to meet my mom, pick up my kiddies, and drive back 90 minutes. I will probably be sound asleep by 10 and won't even know if my H comes home. Which is a good thing I think......All I can worry about right now is me and my little-uns!
You and your H life right now sounds like battle conditions in a war that change from hour to hour. So many tunnels to go down, but which one has the cheese.
I dont see how either of you can concentrate on an R right now with job search issues putting so much pressure. All I can say is let one of you get a new job first.
I see that you have a very logical thought process and I hope you can be patient before getting back working on the R.
Thanks Kerry! I try to be logical but a lot of times my emotions get in the way!
So my earlier prediction that H would have a new job by 11 p.m. were wrong--I got a voicemail (aren't I good not to answer my cell phone!) at 5:45 from H. He said that the Omaha company offered him the exact same salary he makes here to do pretty much the exact same job there. Ironically, he has wanted to "move home" for 8 yrs but always said he couldn't get a job that paid enough. Now he finds one in 12 hours??
Anyway his VM said the job in Omaha would be the same pay but they wouldn't help us sell our house here or move (previously my H has taken jobs with BIG companies that pay to relocate you). Then he said,"So obviously we have a lot we need to talk about. Talk to you later." And he is off to bowling now!?!
HOW the HE!! is BOWLING more important than talking about selling our house and moving 2 1/2 hours away??
To complicate things, his mom called me today at 4:00 to talk. She said H called her earlier today to tell her he was "probably moving home" and see about finding homes in the area. Eventually he would build on the family farm so I don't know why he wanted to know. Anyway, MIL knew he and I were in dire trouble & he was going to move out, so she asked him if it would just be him moving back. He told her, "No, Bobbi and the kids would come back, too."
Funny, nobody has asked me to move back yet? And does he just assume we will be living with him? He was moving out yesterday morning and now we are all moving to Iowa together??
I know, I know, I have been praying we would get back together (I mean REALLY back together, not just under the same roof like we are now, sleeping in different rooms and only making small talk). So I should be glad he told his mom he wants us all to move. But instead I feel totally taken for granted. He knows my son LOVES his preschool, he knows I JUST started back to work last week and love it, and he KNOWS I have applied for FT work down here. So I suppose that is what he means when he says we have a lot to talk about. But it has to wait bc it's bowling time. Not that I am bitter.....
Here are my thoughts: 1)I think I want to just stay here and live in our house while we sell it (if he is really moving), teaching school and letting the kids go to preschool/daycare down here. It will probably take 4-5 months to sell the house down here, which would allow me to finish out the school year. And didn't he just say he needed space??
2)I will apply for a job up in our hometown and neighboring town, and if I get one, I will move back, but into my own place, at least for now.
3)I do NOT want to move with him just bc it is convenient to have the kids near him. I don't even know yet if he meant move together, or him move into his parents and me into mine while we look for a "real" place to live.
4)I hear from you guys that we shouldn't have the R talk while we are in job-hunt-crazy mode, but whether or not we Reconcile could make a difference in when/how/if I move back, too.
5)For some reason I am just angry now because he assumes (now I know this is just based on what he told MIL) we will all move back just bc it is what he wants. Six months ago I would have been THRILLED if we were to move back home. 2 sets of Grandparents for cheap babysitting, getting to teach school where I went to school? Extended family a 30 minute drive away? All GOOD.
6)For me to move back to Iowa with him, I think it should require some major effort on his part. Acknowledging he has royally screwed up. Telling me he wants to be with me, because he wants to be with me, not for convenience. A commitment to working on the R, continuing counseling up there (which means finding a new counselor and I LOVE ours!).
It is weird bc two months ago at the height of all the drama I would have been so happy if he wanted to move away with me. It puts distance between him and the ex-OW, it puts us close to supportive family and my husband's best friend who is a super good influence on him (guy doesn't drink or go out a lot, spends all his time with family or with his cows), and puts us in the town where our relationship began. But now for some reason I am just really crabby.....HELP?
I am surprised you are not the WAW considering how uncertain which state (Missouri, Iowa, Nebraska) you are going to be living in next.
Consider yourself lucky that your H goes bowling to escape reality instead of bar flirting like my W. Seems to me to be pretty selfish to put bowling over talking about important family matters. I bet he relies on the advise of his bowling buddies over you.
I can understand your anger. Your H is not really consulting or getting your opinion about huge changes. He is telling his mom what he has planned before you. He is trying to control his whole family life decisions without talking it through fully with you.
If only you can make him understand that one should not make such rash decisions in such a short time period.
GRRR! Don't know what the H*LL just happened! H left a voicemail at 5:46, re. the job offer he got to move to Omaha. Said we had a lot to talk about. Earlier in the day, I asked his living situation plans (he was supposed to move into apt. yesterday), he said "Good Question" like he didn't know what he was going to do.
So I put the unsure living situation and the "we have a lot to talk about" together and assumed he meant tonight when he got home from bowling. Because here's the thing: When he left for work at 6 a.m. yesterday, he was moving out.
Period.
By 11:30 a.m., his job was in jeopardy and he needed to find a new one ASAP.
He shows up at home at 10:45 pm, no mention of where he had been all night, and says he has to tell the apartment people by Tuesday (today) what he's doing, and says he has a lead on a job.
By 11:00 this morning, he has a phone interview for today.
By 5:45, he has a tentative offer making same money in Omaha.
His mom tells me H told her today that we would all move to Omaha if he got the job.
So I ASSUME we are going to talk tonight. It is a big leap from "I am moving out" to "We are all moving home, 2 1/2 hours away"
Well H just called and it was a clusterf**k!! He asks what we are up to. I tell him (one kid in bed, another on the way). He says he is almost done bowling and then he and Jordan are going for beers (did I mention ex?OW is on the team?? ). I respond, okay, I thought we had a lot to talk about, but you are going out instead of talking to me?
He gets instantly IRATE!! Starts basically almost yelling, how he doesn't know anything yet, he is going up Thursday afternoon for a real interview, taking a half-day off of work. i said, "oh, I didn't know what was up at work, did you talk to Big Boss?" He says, "No, they don't want to talk to me they seem to be done with me." I say, "And what about the apartment?" H: DUH! (ANGRY) Why would I move out if I am moving to Omaha. Me: I wouldn't either, but at lunch you said your living situation was still up in the air. I am trying to keep up with what is going on. H: See, that is how it always is. NOTHING EVER CHANGES! You always make a big deal out of everything and I was just trying to have a civil conversation? CIVIL CONVERSATION!? HE CALLED TO SAY HE WAS GOING OUT FOR BEER WITH A BUDDY, NOT TO TALK TO ME!! Me: I am not trying to make a big deal out of things, you said we had a lot to talk about and I assumed you meant tonight. H: I don't even KNOW anything yet until I talk to the guy Thursday. Me: I just figured that since the move would involve you moving to Omaha we'd need to talk about that bc since you were going to move out here, what would that mean about me moving to Omaha with you. H: That's one of the things we need to talk about and figure out. Me: (WRONG WRONG WRONG I KNOW!!) But not tonight.... H: Fine, maybe I should just move in with Jordan for now. Me: (WRONG AGAIN) Because I asked you a question you need to move in with Jordan? H: We will talk about this later, NOTHING EVER CHANGES WITH YOU. Me: I only want you to do whatever it is you want to do with your life, your life is your decision. I just wanted to be informed since we were just planning visitation schedules and how to tell the kids yesterday.....but go and have a good night. H: What? Me: Have a good night, goodbye.
AAAAAAH! I know we are supposed to give them time and space and I have tried like h*ll to give him that. But come on, at some point WTF? He is contemplating selling our house, moving out of state, taking a new job, maybe me and the kids moving with him, but it is more important to go get a beer with his buddy? Makes me wonder if OW is back in the picture. I know in the past he starts a fight with me to justify doing whatever he wants to do.
And in conflict resolution, he is a "go away and hide from it" type and I am a "chase it down talk about it until it is resolved and don't quit until it is" type, which does NOT go together. So against what I should do I called him back. Surprise, I got voicemail. Left a brief message, "Sorry if I seemed upset I just assumed when you said we had a lot to talk about you meant tonight and so it hurt my feelings that you were going out instead of talking to me. I wasn't trying to cause an argument. Have a good time with Jordan." As I am talking on the house phone I hear my cell beep. I go look after I hang up.
It is a TM from H: If the kids are sick text otherwise forget it I will talk to you tomorrow
Now I am just so PI$$ED! How DARE he dismiss me!? I am venting here so I don't send him an angry text message. I have been patient, I have told him to take time to do what he needs to do, I have left him alone when it comes time to decide about our R. But come on! He TOLD me he wanted to work on things and try to fix our M. But we haven't talked about it ONE BIT since he said that 4 weeks ago. And if he is talking job change and selling the house that I live in too, we NEED to talk about it. I am just so sick of everything being on HIS time frame.
I just want to call/text him and say, Do what you want when you want. I do not want to talk to you tomorrow. I do not want to talk to you at all. Live where you want with whomever you want. Figure out your life. I will figure out mine. I only need to talk to you to confirm your times with the kids. Otherwise, just leave me alone.
It is just getting to hard to wait for him to figure out his life!! I know I want to have our M back better than before. I know I want to keep my M and my family intact. But like this??? This is not a life for me. This is some purgatory/limbo hell thing going on. HE cheated on me. HE was moving out on me. But I am waiting for him to decide when/if he wants to talk to me about ANYTHING!! Don't know if I want to bawl, puke, punch someone, or all of the above. But instead I will go read S5 a book and put him to bed.
Well, I slapped that crazy angry BobbiJo around a little bit and I think she calmed down some.
I am still upset he didn't talk to me, but since it is a big WORK problem and Jordan is a co-worker I am sure H wants to talk to him bc Jordan "gets" what H deals with with Boss and Big Boss since he is there everyday living it himself.
Just wish it hadn't turned into some kind of blowout, but that was H's decision and I can't turn back the clock. For some reason it was the "forget it" in his TM, "Text if the kids are sick otherwise forget it we'll talk tomorrow". I felt like the forget it totally dismissed me. Then the "We'll talk tomorrow" like he is in charge of everything in our R. Oh yeah, he is....Oops crabby BobbiJo is trying to re-emerge!!
Anyway I am going to do my best to BE A DUCK. Let it roll. Go to bed--I have a pounding migraine that only got worse with our phone exchange. Wake up tomorrow as a new day. He said we are going to talk tomorrow. I will just have to trust that. I won't try to reach H, esp. with the workplace drama I won't even want to call there anyway. So I will go about my day and if he wants to talk, we'll deal with it then. If not, I continue to do my own thing tomorrow. And I have sub jobs lined up for Thurs. and Fri. so at least I know I am busy on those two days.
The only dealbreaker in this cease-fire for me is if he stays out all night again. He came home last Tuesday, but the Tuesday before he texted me (after being out w/Jordan) that he drank too much and was getting a hotel room so as not to drive drunk....Since then he has admitted to me that on a few occasions he has drank too much trying to avoid his troubles. Only 2 or three times in last 6 weeks so I don't think it is a major problem yet.
BUT-- 1)I can live with him moving out to an apartment 2)I can live with him moving to Omaha and me staying here 3)I can live with him going out w/a buddy to blow off steam 4)I CANNOT live with him supposedly living in our home but staying out all night. It is too stressful for me bc even though I am not supposed to worry, I do. If he were in the apartment I wouldn't know the difference, which would actually be easier.
So if he stays out all night I don't know if I will want to talk at all. Otherwise, new day, new chance to see where things stand....
I forgot to mention. Regarding MIL, he says SHE called HIM wanting to know what's going on and that is why he talked to her. (I didn't mention MIL saying he wanted us to move with him bc I am not sure now if he said that anyway) MIL has a bit of a competitive streak with me, wanting to still be her son's favorite female, so a lot of times she will exaggerate how often/how long they talk. I think to show me they are still so close. Guess I shouldn't take everything she says to me to heart...But either way you are right there has been a pattern since before we even got married of her telling me things about our life that H told her BEFORE he told me. Once after a job interview out of state, while he was flying back, she called me to tell me H got the job and we were moving, when he hadn't told me yet. GRR...not that I ever hold on to things from the past
BUT-- 1)I can live with him moving out to an apartment 2)I can live with him moving to Omaha and me staying here 3)I can live with him going out w/a buddy to blow off steam 4)I CANNOT live with him supposedly living in our home but staying out all night. It is too stressful for me bc even though I am not supposed to worry, I do. If he were in the apartment I wouldn't know the difference, which would actually be easier.
I can relate with #4. When my W was still living with me, I could not sleep until she got home. I was so worried that she might be drunk and get into an accident.
Here is something Pudmuddle Snafu posted about her H:
Quote:
The last time my H spent all NIGHT out and came home the next morning, he came to find me where I was in the laundry room folding, and he stood there looking at me as if he expected a total vengeful attack, I simply hugged him and said "I'm glad you are home safe". That was all I said and went back to folding laundry. I do believe this shocked the heck out of him. I didn't cry or anything but that just let him know I still cared without pressuring him to know what he was doing. I didn't need to know, he thought he had his life in place at the time and was going to do what he was going to do, with or without me. I couldn't control that.
But I was shaking like a leaf after that, took all I had to remain calm and positive.
You are going to have to detach and let go of him for a while as it seems like he is causing you so much grief now. Have you ever read the following:
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
So it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. If the talk goes well tomorrow and his job is safe, he could just call the apt. and furniture people and do what he was already going to do. 
So I guess he doesn't know yet what to do. He was meeting with Big Boss this afternoon to see what was going on. I gathered from our texts/talk that H wanted the interview first, I suppose if it went well he'd have leverage when talking with BB. So maybe he got a new job, maybe he has quit the old one or gotten fired, I don't know. I am honestly too busy getting my own life on track to spend time worrying about it.
