Sounds to me like you're going through the grieving process for your relationship. Anger, sadness, etc. I remember when my counselor told me I was going to grieve about the end of marriage #1, and I looked at her like she was crazy. I was a)unable to find enough time to grieve about the recent death of my dad, and b) felt relief that the marriage was over. She was right, of course. Even though the final years of the marriage had been mostly awful, I still had to go through the process of laying it to rest.
And yes, we're watching you for signs of your slipping back into the comfort zone of complacency...back into the relationship you had with him. This is, of course, entirely dependent upon your being honest with us. But you knew that.
I appreciate y'all watching me like a flock of hawks and mother hens.
BF's mom had a scan of some sort yesterday and they told her that the tumor that had been the size of a grapefruit back in November was now the size of a grape! Everything else looked just the same, which is good news. I'm glad for all of us!
Yes, I am grieving the loss of the possibilities of what I thought the R was going to be. But also the lost years-- when I met him I was 53; now I'm pushing 60! I know they aren't really "lost"-- it's true that once you're over the hill you pick up speed.... downhill.
I want to have some FUN before I... well, you know. I want to have fun, love, sex, joy, some carefree times mixed with the inevitabilities of life.
Thinking of you! I think you will be just fine. At the end of something that has brought as much or more pain as joy there is an initial euphoria - that is just like the feeling of taking your bra off at the end of the day - freer/less restrictive. Then comes the inevitable feelings of - Well, there was this one time that was fun and He's really a terrific guy and we coulda and if only he woulda but he couldn't and he wouldn't or you wouldn't find yourself in this place. It is ok to grieve the loss of possibilities and even to grieve the hot, young chick that you were when you met him. Then, do a little freedom dance (ok,a seated dance in your case) and look forward into the future!
What do you mean by "friendship rubber meets the road"? Do you mean that it is challenging to remain friends with someone after you've been or tried to be lovers? If so, I agree with this, and in fact, this is the first time I've ever continued a friend R with someone with whom I've been in a Relationship.
Yes, that is what I meant.
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But what do you mean "where the rubber meets the road"? I don't get where you're going with that. Do you mean our friendship will be tested?
You were talking about a gloomy feeling surrounding your euphoria, which others, and yourself, have already said could be part of the mourning process of the R. Sometimes... when you remain friends... it is easy to start accepting his crap behavior again (like how he talks to you, for example)... simply because they have been in your life so long... that's really all I meant.
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What do you mean by "don't be so nonchalant"? (which means "indifferent or unconcerned") Do I seem unconcerned about whether or not he will want to get back together as bf/gf?
No, about your own potential willingness to get back with him... even if you don't categorize it in your head as bf/gf, but you both just slip back into old routines... it can happen... especially when you leave open the 'friendship' door... so that is why I was encouraging you on the boundaries and keeping in your head what you do want. I understand you know this well... I was just kind of trying to lend positive support to what you already know... and you seemed down...
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He's different because we share these dogs, because he LIVES NEXT DOOR, and because I want to stay in his daughters' lives. And because we have many interests in common as long as we stay away from love and sex. So I guess I generally am a wolf, but this time I'm a puppy? My quality of life would not improve if I broke off all contact with him. But my quality of life has improved tremendously since I have broken off romantic contact.
I get all that... nod... Yeah... I'm concerned for you, simply because I know how long you've worked on this and how hard it has been for you... am I concerned? Yes... But not because I think you are 'missing' something in your reasoning or actions... I'm concerned because you are a fellow poster and I see great things for you... and the amount of emotional 'ties' you list with xbf makes me pause to consider how I'd handle the same. Not that you would handle it like me (I would never insult you so )... I can just fathom how that might get really tricky or difficult at times... so... that's all.
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Frankly, I do NOT see that happening. The sex thing alone is a major obstacle. It would be a complete break from who he is to approach me and ask for such a thing. I can't think of one time when he spontaneously extended himself to me (pun intended).
I just mean... never say never. I know you don't see it happening... I don't either, based on your posts... but I would never so completely discount it from your reasoning that IF it DID happen... you would be ready.
People do very strange things. It wouldn't surprise one iota if he, in fact, did exactly this. Especially when you start dating someone else. Couple that with all the emotional ties... I'm just saying, don't discount is completely.
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And, no, my sitch doesn't give me ONE CLUE about why you're bouncing all over the place, but if you see a connection, I'd love to know what it is. It sounds very interesting, but I cannot make the leap from dot to dot without you filling in the blanks for me.
Cuz. One day you are fine... next day kinda glum... next day chipper... I have been going through it a lot longer than you, so I'm only talking about the up and down effect... not the length of time... to me it sounded like you were a bit surprised to be feeling a bit glum... which I get. I'm kind perplexed by my bouncing, so I was focusing on the feeling of being a bit surprised at myself and my bouncing.
I really do appreciate very much when people say to me... "Corri, you're bouncing again." It helps me catch myself before I spin, you know? You refer to posts, and I can go back and see it myself. Actually, that is why I keep posting here. We've been hanging out together long enough that you CAN say...'you're bouncing.'
You have worked so hard on this aspect of your life, and it has been a gauntlet for you... I understand your reasonings to keep ties... it just scares me a little for you, that's all. I know you are a big girl, and you can handle/manage your life just fine all on your own. I know in many aspects your xbf is a wonderful person... it's just that... if I ever met him, I think I might want to punch him in the nose and say..."you hurt my friend Lil. Jerk. Don't ever do it again... and don't you DARE ever offer her sex.'
Well. Thanks for asking me to expound. Sometimes... i just jump over all the emotions... and just post facts... assuming that you all know how I got from point A to B, because you should all know I DO care... I'm HERE, afterall, which, In and of itself, should convey some meaning. <-- That has got to be a very male side of me. smirk.
I am very happy to be clear with you Lil. Very happy. If you can just help me out sometimes, and ask me to help you.
It's no coincidence that dog is God spelled backward. (I don't know about other languages...)
Today the sadness is hitting me. I'm not going to insert negative disclaimers (y'all know what they are), but I'm thinking about some of the nice domestic things I'm missing. Walking my dog Buddy at bf's house. A great neighborhood for walking (in fact, I lived in that neighborhood-- as did he-- when I was in high school and walked those blocks on my way to the bus!). Every night like clockwork I'd go out about 9:30 with my iPod and Buddy. We always met these two guys walking their two poodles (they were next door neighbors, not a couple) and exchanged pleasantries. As the seasons changed, it would be cool, then cold, then warmer, then the mountain laurels would be in bloom. One house produced a nice contact high when you walked past it. :eyeroll:
Then when I got home to his house, we'd watch a movie. This sort of boring, stay-at-home life suits me perfectly. (If there could be some sex in there.)
Then eventually when bf came to bed, he'd always snuggle up behind me. I could never sleep with anyone touching me. But him-- we'd both fall asleep spooned together. I really did like that, even with no sex, and looked forward to it every day.
We loved grocery shopping, especially at foreign grocery stores, stopping to look at every little jar and package. Of course, sharing some musical moments was very special. Visiting my stepson and DIL at Christmas and singing with them in a quartet was a thrill! The way my stepson and bf bonded was so special and a hoot to watch! Frying turkey outside in the RAIN! Only in Seattle!
I went out for a little while just now to get some gas and clear my head and wound up sobbing in the car. When I came in, I sat on the sofa with 80 lbs of dogs draped over my lap licking me while I wailed. Bless their little loving doggie hearts!
How can bf just let this slip away without so much as a whimper? Without any objection at all?
No, no, corri, I don't want to get back into it-- I'm just wondering.
And of course, this takes me back a bit to when my H died. Oh God, that was a thousand times worse, because I could NEVER talk to him or hear his voice again. If I want to talk to bf, I just have to pick up the phone. The loss doesn't even come close... but it kind of resonates, kwim?
I do understand to some extent you people with children wanting to avoid a break at all costs... I frankly don't see how you can put yourself through that and live. I know the pain has to be unbearable before you can make that break. I'm so sorry... those of you who are facing choices like that. My pain is nothing compared to that.
Gosh, sorry to hear you feeling down. Is there someone other than BF nearby that you can go out and grab a coffee with? Not necessarily a shoulder to cry on so to speak, but at least someone that you can be with to help ease you mind. If not, even though it isn't the same, we are here for you.
