New -Devestated and Feeling Hopeless

[fooled again]

Ellis,

The self esteem thing is the hardest thing to deal with, I think. You believe that because of what your H has done and what he has said, you are worthless. Of course you know that is not true, but it is very hard to talk yourself out of this when you have been rejected so painfully.

I stumbled upon this last Mar or Apr after my H moved out. It helped me to wrap my mind around the idea of rejection and what it really means. For me doing so was a jumping off point to improving my self esteem and believing in myself again. Though I hadn't officially started DBing, it prepared me for the work that I had to do. I hope you take the time to read the whole chapter - you may find it helps you too. I didn't bother buying the book, but I might just do so now that I am reminded of it.
Taking Control of Your Life

I searched the net for a long time looking for things that would help me with my self esteem. I too have suffered from low self esteem my entire life. I always looked for affirmation from others - I still do to some extent (I think we all do), but I at least now I am much more aware of it. I think that believing in yourself and GALing are the most important aspects of DBing, because no matter what happens to your M, you will end up stronger, happier, healthier and better off that before you started. It's a win-win prospect.

Oh and about your D not needing you, I have found that the older my D gets, the more aware she is of the sitch, the more questions she asks, the more she needs me to help her navigate the confusing emotions. The way I started was to tell my D that she can tell me anything she is feeling or thinking and I will never get mad at her for feeling something and I will always love her no matter what she says or feels. Then I asked her if she had any questions she wanted to ask me. She didn't at first so I told her to think about it. Then a few days later I asked again. Eventually the questions started coming, and I just tried to answer them in an honest, non-judgmental way the best I could. Now I do a little check every once in awhile to see if she has more questions, usually when she has been acting out or is unusually sensitivd. She nearly always does.

I think all kids have questions, but are afraid to ask b/c they are confused. I also think that they feel some responsibility for what is going on, and they feel some sense of guilt. I believe that they often need a little prompting to feel safe enough to ask those confusing questions, that you will not be hurt by their questions, but it will be up to you to start that ball rolling. Otherwise, and this is only my opinion, I believe that they will shut up their feelings and questions inside, and I don't believe that's a healthy way to grow up.

I think you will find your connection with your D getting stronger as time goes on, not weaker. She won't need you the same way she did before, but the way that she does need you will be just as important, maybe more so.

FA