ok ok, so, i detach by... stop telling him we can work it out and stop talking down when he breaks down.
By not reminding him over and over what ow's has done (I remember now how he cried that day before xmas about how awful/terrible she was and this am tells me she's changed)
By letting him seek help on his own, he has his new T who only knows the partial story and has told H "looks like you dont' want to be married", and decide if that is true.
He planned last week to go out for pool w/coworkers, I asked him this am not to go, he says he needs to take a break from all the thinking of this mess and wants to go. Fine.
All my boundaries were broken, I wont make any new until he faces his actions and puts new ones himself (he did say he would change his email, get rid of phone, etc,but..he's said this before.)
Damn it, I am worth more than this, he has shown very little care for me these past 48hrs, I will stop asking him to see who cares more for him, me or ow, his mind is swiss cheese and only sees ow, well, then let that be.
He has asked me what should he do, what do i want him to do but when I tell him he doesn't, he wants to break it off completly but finding it very hard to do so. I have asked him to get her on the phone while i'm listening and tell her there is no D and no S from me. That will be the only thing I'm going to ask from him, he will have to find the strenght to fight for us.
Why was I so blind? well, my little 4yr old and my 9yr old, but you all are right, i'm an enabler and not letting H man up. Thank you all for lifting my head off the fog, I've been closing my eyes tight wishing this away, and it wont happen like this, this is H's fight.
Cat, I've been following your threads for some time now, and I want to tell you how much I admire you. How generous you have been to others even when you're 'in extremis' yourself, how strong you are in your faith and in your person, how well you look after your family -- your children and your husband. Someone not as strong as you are would have folded a long time ago.
So here are my thoughts on your sitch, FWIW. I'm thinking 'shock & awe'. I'm thinking that if you have a family living out of state, or at least out of the city, this is the time to take your children and go there. This is what families are for, and what 'home' is for. Home is the place that when you need to go there, they need to take you in.
I'm thinking 'legal separation', with/for distribution of the assets of the marriage. Not divorce, because you don't want divorce. You can download the legal separation forms from many online sources, do a google. You can do a legal separation related to financial matters (but not to children) without a lawyer, this keeps alienation between the marriage partners to a minimum, in fact you can demonstrate great generosity and sensitivity towards your spouse if you do the legal separation agreement yourself.
It will be a lot of work to re-establish yourself and your children, but this seems to me like a better use of your considerable energies than what you are doing now. Cutting H loose to look after his own affairs seems to me like the fastest way for this sorry script to end. After he gets himself clean he can come and start to court you all over again. Hopefully for H, you will still be available.
