Wife in Major MLC...Looking to Vent

[bombardier50]

I haven't been on the boards for awhile, but I just had a little sobbing session out in the woods behind the office, so it's probably time for me to do a little venting.

Things have been much better. We're talking like friends again. I haven't heard any MLC talk now in a few days. Last night we actually went out for a little dinner together. Still no physical affection of any kind. But we're talking. And she's coming home after work, and calling to tell me when she's coming home. That's a big improvement.

So...why was I sitting out in the woods balling my eyes out for 15 minutes? I don't know. Maybe I'm just exhausted from the uncertainty and fear. Maybe I'm mourning the loss of love and affection.

Sometimes the memories roll in like a tsunami and I'm swept away.

Sometimes I start second-guessing everything I've done the past 10 years...should I have retired from the military when I did?...was moving to the east coast the right thing to do?...did I make a mistake in my career choice?...etc., etc. I suppose I'm looking backwards to find something to blame...and there I go, blaming myself again. Hard not to do that.

Even though things seem to be improving, I know at any time things could go the other way. I'm having a great deal of trouble visualizing being happy on my own. For 23 years, my mental images of happiness always included her in the picture.

I'm hoping the AD's start working soon, but I've only been on them for a couple of weeks. Some days I have to force myself to concentrate, and work and hobbies don't interest me anymore, which, of course, makes it tough to GAL. I'm hoping when the AD's kick in, they'll help me cut through some of the pain-fog so I can function better.

Sometimes the thought that there are literally thousands of people out there experiencing the same pain is almost incomprehensible to me.

This is a pitiful and hellish existence. The only thing keeping me going is hope. Sometimes I wonder if hope is enough.

Bomb