Thanks Gen, I know what you guys are saying about the moving out issue. I just had another talk with W and it is a done deal for her. We will announce to D7 on Saturday morning so that we ill both be around. Afterwards, on Sunday I will take her to my mom's and show her my new digs. Looking at my W tonight, it is so obvious that all she cares about right now is her career and herself. I found out earlier today that the middle stepdaughter is so disgusted with her mother that she is moving in with her dad who she does not get along with. I am worried about D7 and honestly I am worried about W. I am extremely calm right now but after that type of conversation and seeing her so aloof the love I have for her dissipates a little. I am starting to feel sorry for her because she is losing the respect of quite a few people including her own children. Sure I have not been the model husband but pretty close I would say (I don't like to toot my own horn). What would she like to see in me? She wants a go getter a guy who is driven like she has become these last two years (prior to that she did not even have a steady job). I have always worked to live and not vice versa and I am an underachiever or so I have been told. An underachiever and a little on the lazy side. That is the worst thing you can say about me. I will try to work on that not to win her back but for me. I can just hear Phil saying there he goes again, are you in or out? Right now I am on the fence not because i am losing hope but because her mannerisms what she says everything about her is starting to irritate me a little. As usual i welcome any and all comments and like I said before I really appreciate them...right now I feel like a beaten man...I am not sure I even feel like fighting for the trophy anymore. I will try to work on my PMA and GAL and not even worry about what effect it may have on W. At this point if she is already in bed. If she has a bad dream and decides to do a 180 tommorow morning, I don't think I would go for it. So Phil I guess that means I am out and you know what she does not deserve me.
Something really strange happened after I wrote my last post. it's almost as if my wife read Jen's post and came downstairs to tell me what I need to improve on. Well, this is not how she put it. It was more like "I feel very guilty about what is going on and maybe because of that I am mad at you or trying to be mad at you even though I know you are the best person I have ever met"" I told you guys I wasn't all bad:-), Anyhow, I just listened and validated for a good 30 minutes (man was that hard). Here goes; since she was always told she was worthless until she was 16 and then left home, she feels that she continuously needs to be put on a pedestal and or be told that she is good. Instead in the last couple of years she did not feel that she was important to me. Now nothing is further from the truth as far as I am concerned but she did give me some examples of situations and she is right. i understand why she would feel that way. When she was finished I told her I understand why she feels that way but there is only one part that I don't understand, why this hurdle can not be overcome. She replied that her love for me has been transformed (she did admit that she still has feelings for me). I told her that in my opinion it is normal to have peaks and valleys in a relationship and also that we can not expect to have the heart going boom boom boom all the time. Finally I concluded with "you have changed a great deal since we met, mostly for the better but also in some cases not. I guess the same is true of me. The difference is that when you love someone, you are able to look over the negatives and concentrate on the positives. I am able to do that that is why i can say that I still love you today as much as I did if not more than when i met you". We hugged a little she wiped her tears, thanked me for listening and went to bed. I don't know what to make of it other than the fact that she feels very guilty. I think that I still have a shot at a ne R with W...it's up to me.
PS. I need to read that love languages book. I feel I give love by doing things or being of service and my language is physical love. Again I have not read the book. she on the other hand needs to ne praised and told she is good. I am not 100 sure how she gives love though. Maybe someone can help me with this.
W and D7 had a togh time to wake up today. W says she is very tired. I asked her if she slept wll and she said no. Strangely I slept very well...hhhmmmmm.....has the tide turned? is the shoe on the other foot. I think the guilt is eating her up and she must have a few doubts also. All I can say is it will be very difficult for her to combine work and D7 without me. I don't think she realizes this yet or maybe the reality of it all (including her own daughter who is moving out) is beginning to weigh on her. Another thing I told her last night is that for the last couple of months she has made up her mind on a direction and she has put up a wall around her and has not allowed herself to take anything in....especially from me. She has a busy day ahead of her today.
w just told me she is tired and is not feeling well.....i asked her if it was physical...she just said no....i did not push....anyhow, i am certain she will bounce back soon (when i say back i mean back on track to her freedom)
All I can say is it will be very difficult for her to combine work and D7 without me.
Why are you assuming that W will have primary custody of D7? If she is so driven on the career side, D7 is probably better off with daddy--who works to live and not vice versa. At the very least, I would shoot for 50/50.
If you become a weekend dad, you are surrendering D7 to W, MIL, and all of those other people you don't approve of. She will learn about how grownups act from them, not you, because that will be the example she sees on a daily basis. Your duty to her is far greater than to your W, or even yourself.
Have you consulted an attorney yet? It seems to me that you are letting your W drive this train because you are hurt and want to get away. I don't blame you for feeling that way, but with D7 involved, you need to get mad. Not yell hit and act stupid mad, but stand up for yourself and your kid mad. Your W might even respect you more for standing up for yourself.
Sorry for preaching. I am one of those dads that passed on the high-power career so that I could raise my boys. No way would I give them up without a huge fight.
I am sorry I haven't been around lately to offer support, but this site is hard to review on a crackberry. I'm fairly impressed with your outlook compared to how much anger you've shown in the past.
Keep focused on yourself and take care of your D7. You are making a great deal of progress even if it doesn't always feel that way.
Thanks Nut; don't worry about D7. That is my #1 priority right now and I guarantee you that I will see her at least 50% of the time. If W continues on this path (which incidentally she can not sustain without help) I am fairly certain that I will have custody of D7 within 6 months. the only help she has is MIL and at the risk of repeating myself and or sounding bitter, she is not reliable. She may help her for a couple of weeks but long range......forget about it.
Woog, thanks again for your support. With the events that have transpired lately, it's kind of weird that I feel sorry for W and have very little anger towards her. I hardly recognize myself. I hope this is not the calm before the storm. The "suffering" seems to have shifted to her now as guilt is taking it's toll. She is the one who is struggling with sleep etc. I guess the upcoming announcement to D7 is really on her mind.
Finally after listening to her last night, nothing she said about me is (in my opinion of course) enough for a normal person to even consider divorce. I guess she is not or has not been normal for a couple of months. I wonder if i should make a last ditch effort prior to the announcement on Saturday to again ask her to work on our R.....I know this is pursuing but if we announce this to D7, I think something will die inside me and i will not be able to respect my W the way a husband should after that.
Just when I thought I was out, they drag me back in!
W just called to say hello........also to tell me she would not be sleeping at her daughter's apt. but rather at the hotel where her conference is at tommorow. She said her daughter did not seem to mind. Strange....don't know what to make of it. Guess she needs a friend to talk to and I am it.
