Some of this stuff will pass. DS16 will be able to drive (too soon) and will be able to get himself to and from work someday. DS9mos will sleep someday. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Dont put off a good marriage for "someday".
Your marriage is happening right now. Make it a good one. right now.
Right now, you and your husband seem to have the #1 priorities as "job and children".
Think about what would change, if you both made your marriage the #1 priority? Then do it.
That doesnt mean neglecting your children. That doesnt mean your husband quitting his job (although if his job "requires" travel... maybe it should mean finding a more marriage-friendly job)
You could be living a better marriage right now, not in 3 years. Why choose 3 years of unhappiness for yourself, when you could make them 3 years of marital happiness, by your own choices and actions?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Karen has been trying to work on the M in the past. She only dropped the rope after pulling by herself for so long. They both have to make the marriage the #1 priority. If he won't do his part then she's either got to let go or decide to pull the whole load. The latter is the road to resentmentville.
Dom, honey, I have not chosen SH!T! H is an independent contractor/business owner - he works or he doesn't get paid. I have a very family friendly job that happens to have an hour commute each way. However, I have flexible hours, can do some working from home and am able to leave work for sick kids, maternity leaves, generous vacations etc.... Again, it is my H who places all the children waaaaaaaay above me, himself or the marriage. I have NO issue having a regular date night or stealing off the bedroom for a quickie or getting my parents to keep the kids for a weekend alone. My H can once or twice a year manage the weekend and once in a while manage a dinner alone. Anything that takes place within the walls of our home that has to do with anyone else - family, friends, relatives, the community association, church etc...takes a priority level above me, him and us together. I have asked, begged etc.... I have NOT contributed to this mess of obligation other than by having the babies that he so badly wanted. Believe me, I can juggle my family and our lives together but that would require H arranging his priorities to match. In our pre-marital survey the single item in which we had significant disagreement was the item of whether the kids come before the marriage or the marriage before the kids. I put the marriage first - he was non-plussed. So, he asked around. Most Moms also put the kids first so he felt vindicated. One of the couples who both put the kids first had one of them die within a year of him asking that question of them. Know what? He learned nothing from that. Here was this woman who had nursed her sick husband for years, they had 3 kids together whom they put first to the exclusion of themselves (they had never had a vacation alone since the honeymoon) and "someday" never came. I got it Dom. He didn't.
Karen; I think there are still some things that you could do, to make the marriage #1. But I definately agree that the biggest priority problem, is what he is doing. that is why I wrote,
"Think about what would change, if you both made your marriage the #1 priority?"
If his job gets in the way of you both having a happy marriage... then currently, his job is #1 priority.
Now.. what are YOUR priorities? more money? or a better marriage?
Would you be prepared to tell your husband: "I want us both to put our marriage as #1. I need you to change jobs, to have a regular schedule, with no more trips.
I dont give a damn about the extra money. I would be willing to [move/lose some things/....], if it meant that you would have a regular stable job and we could be together normally. even if you made 50% of the money you do now"
Would you do that? Is your marriage really that much of a priority to you? Or does money come first?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom, Did you not read Karen's previous post all the way through? Her H has already clearly stated that the children come first. What would be the point of her H taking another job for less money if he just fills that time with the kids over Karen?
Your overall point is correct that it is ideal for both people to make the marriage a priority. However as you can tell from your own situation FORCING someone to make the same decision you do is pretty tough work...
In the end the person has to chose for themselves to do the work. I think it is pretty common knowledge that you cannot force someone to break an addiction although of course wanting someone to quit smoking, drinking, doing drugs, gambling, etc. would be best for them and all involved with them. The only way for the person to break their addiction is for them to WANT to break it. Of course you can help, cajole, threaten, etc. but it is still the addict's choice and not yours to make. We might wish it were not that way but that does not change the fact that people have to make their own decisions.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Dom, Did you not read Karen's previous post all the way through? Her H has already clearly stated that the children come first. What would be the point of her H taking another job for less money if he just fills that time with the kids over Karen?
In my opinion, that would still be an improvement!
However, that is the anti-"act-as-if" attitude. That is sabotaging a potential solution path, with "well, what if the other person just does.... it's not worth it".
Whereas DB/DR recommends that you should "act as if" they will be willing to take the more positive path, when considering possible solutions or actions to take.
The way I see it, is:
Worst case: Karen's H spends more time at home with the kids. That's still time at home, vs at the office!!
Better case, would be that he spends half his new "free" time with the kids, and half with Karen.
And either way, he's going to be a whole lot less stressed. Maybe just as tired... but less stressed It's primarily stress, not tiredness, that is the SD killer.
So I see such a job change for Karen's case, as just varying degrees of success. Either a little improvement, or a HUGE improvement. But either way, it's going to be better than what their relationship is now.
Quote:
I think it is pretty common knowledge that you cannot force someone to break an addiction
Karen's husband is not "addicted to work". i think he just has wellmeaning but misguided priorities.
Last edited by Dom R; 01/22/0810:18 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom, you have some significant control issues and you're using this board as an outlet for them and as an escape from the repercussions. If you can start putting the effort you currently expend exhorting others to self-improvement into your own self-improvement, I suspect that it wouldn't be long before your life was much happier and you had more pertinent insights to share here.
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Karen's husband is not "addicted to work". i think he just has well meaning but misguided priorities.
After I reread what I wrote I realized that using an addiction example was too confining and obviously not directly applicable to Mr. Karen.
I still believe it is accurate to say that you cannot CONTROL another person's actions or decisions. You can influence them in many ways but not control them. AND, IMHO, in cases where people are controlled by another, I would say that that is an unhealthy relationship and I certainly don't want to be part of any relationship where I am controlled by someone or where I control someone else. I feel that I am responsible for my own happiness and I certainly wouldn't want to cede that control to another.
Anyway... yes I agree Karen's H probably isn't addicted to work but I disagree that changing jobs is NECESSARILY the answer (It certainly COULD be). I think that understanding the issue that Karen's H is avoiding is the bigger issue here.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
No, H is not a workaholic. He is an entrepreneur which makes his hours irregular. I work the same # of hours as he. Changing his job to a 9/5 kinda thing would only kill his spirit and cause resentment. Being an entrepreneur isn't a job it is who he is.
He learned long ago that doing his job & keeping on top of his own need for rest requires quarterly vacations - we do that (one is an annual guy trip), a long weekend a few times/year that is with me or for a race os something and limiting his travel schedule. His office is in the house but he does a pretty good job of not going in there on family time. Family time is worth setting aside things for, private time is not.
And Dom - it ain't about the money. Some years he earns 2 or 3 times my salary and some years we are neck and neck. In a particularly bad year it might be mostly up to me. Luckily, H is good at what he does and he sometimes turns down work so as not to overfill the schedule. Sometimes there are just "runs" on work like what is happening now. My job and paycheck aren't glamorous but it keeps us paid regularly & with affordable health insurace. We do not have a high need for "stuff". We live very modestly although the DC/Metro area is an expensive area to live in.
