Stuck in Neutral - MN Man's 5th thread

[Just_Me]

MM,

Have fun at the party. I personally don't think I could do it.

What's wrong with addressing what she wrote? She's hurting too from all this. She is also a victim of this betrayal. Or isn't she. Can't you say, "thanks for the birthday wishes, the support, and offers of support. I'm holding up well. I'm sorry if you felt snubbed, it wasn't intentional."

You could tell her that you do hold some resentment because you feel she had a role in encouraging your wife to leave. What's the harm in that? Maybe she will say she didn't tell her such things. But all of that is certainly up to you. I can't blame you for not wanting to be friends with her (is she cute?).

TTFN

Me

[phbear316]

Man

Sorry for the slip of of gaming vs gambling. OOPS! Read you post too fast.

I think you are making a wise decision about a face to face not an email. Too impersonal, do it when you feel its right.

Any have a good time at the party

bear

[MinnesotaMan]

Just got back from the party. Ooooh, I'm gonna regret getting in this late tomorrow. I have to wake up in about 5 1/2 hours. Not 'cause of alcohol or anything. Just because it's so freakin' late.

Anyway. The party went very well, in terms of how i acted and interacted. W, B, and A (B's wife) were there, but as were many others, so I managed to avoid a lot of direct contact with them... there were some awkward moments, but overall things went well.

My friend's wife told me that she was very impressed with how I'd handled myself at the party (managing to avoid friction w/ W/B/A), and how I have _been_ handling myself. In terms of my quest for personal change and growth, and overall shift towards being a better person.

It seems things are going to get tougher for A. She's kicked B out, and had a friend mvoe in with her -- now that friend might be moving out. I overheard some conversation and it seems A might have to move back in with her parents if some other stuff doesn't pan out. So life seems to suck for her.

I thought it interesting that the overall consensus between my friends (who're also still W's friends) was that W, B, and A's acting as if none of this divorce, separation, and drama was going on was odd. Nothing to end their friendship with W, but odd enough that it's commentable without my prompting.

*shrug*

These folks whose home I was at tonight are good people and I hope to continue to forge a better friendship with them.

I had a lot of fun and good conversation at the party (including some good, thought-provoking serious conversation about a few meandering topics).

Anyway, this post is soooo incoherent, and I need to get some sleep. At least I only work my customer service gig for five hours tomorrow. A Red Bull should get me through the day. hehe

[MinnesotaMan]

Urk. Apparently my sub-concious didn't like that I was doing alright.

Holy crap, the yuckiness of my dreams. All R-based in one way or another, all ones where I pretty much got screwed over more than I have been. I can't remember anything in specific, but yuck.

But they're just dreams. Just the mind's way of dumping excess stress and worry. So I'm going to shake 'em off as best I can (on the way to work...heh - I slept longer than I should have), and get on with my day.

Posting here's step one in purging those, since it's at least "vocalizing" the problem, which I've found helps with bad dreams.

[MinnesotaMan]

Whooo, today was a long one. It's really cold right now, so everyone decided they needed groceries.

*twitch*

I managed to get through my sleep stupification pretty well though! So yay for that!

[MinnesotaMan]

Hmm. B's wife sent me another e-mail on Facebook. In lieu of summarization, I'm quoting it:

So I've been noticing that when I see you at gathering and such you don't seem to be very happy with me. I tried to banter with you and chat the way we used to, at [friend]'s party, but you seemed to be rather displeased with me. I think you may have missed my sarcasum (forgive my spelling).

I wrote you before about my thinking you may be upset with me, but I still don't know why. I would like to be a supportive friend, but I am unsure what you need from me. If you would rather I not be supportive I can stop trying, but that is up to you. I do enjoy your company, but it is hard to do so why you don't seem to enjoy mine.

Please let me know what I can do for you.

Your friend,

(her name)

Aside from a couple isolated instances, she hasn't tried to be supportive at all.

The first was during this big group camping thing (hard to explain, but basically a 20-25 person event) I ended up having a 'big cry' and she was there for that; then she and I were mutually pi$$ed at B and my W after their making-out thing...then she forgave 'em within about two or three weeks and they're friends again.

In all honesty, I think that between the fact that she's previously been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder and the mess of this situation for her, something may've "broken" in her mind. Which may explain why she thinks she's being supportive towards me.

Madness, I tell you.

Anyway, I wrote her and said I'd gotten her e-mail, but needed to think about how best to compose a response (lucky for me it was late, and I used the hour as an excuse).

I'm not even sure why I care about how I respond - but with two pleas of "what did I do wrong", I feel (personally) obligated to give her some sort of response.

EDIT:

On my communications with W note - I did fine Sunday, barely saw her at work.

However, I went to Best Buy with the kid I work with. I had to buy a new printer and needed it that night. While I was passing the external hard drives, I noticed they were really on sale (like, 25% off or something crazy like that).

I knew W wanted one, she'd been talking about buying one. After a short debate with myself I called her cell - and ended up leaving a message.

She called me today - thanking me for telling her about the sale. I thought that was sort of strange, and further thought it was strange she tried to make small talk about other stuff, too. I finally had to cut the conversation short by telling her my dinner was almost done (a small lie - the water had just started to boil).

Is that a marker of guilt? Her noticing that I've been more or less cold-shouldering her?

It's hard, when she's friendly and kind, to remember just how much she's hurt me. And to remind myself that she's simply trying to make herself feel better from the guilt.

One of my friends says "she probably misses you". I find that concept more and more improbable every day.

[Just_Me]

MM,

Did you ever reply to B's wife? Maybe just tell her more or less straight out what you wrote here....while you don't harbor resentments to your wife, B, or her, that you really find the situation awkward and won't pretend that you are happy with just being the same group of friends...minus being married. Maybe, since she could communicate what you say to her to your wife, you should be cautious and also try to get your message across. Something along the lines of, "I'm not mad at you, but I just feel that it's not healthy for me to hang with you, Brian, and my STBX like nothing happened. I'd really like to move forward, kind of fresh. We could hang out together sometime, but I really don't want it to be part of the package deal that includes my wife and B." I don't know. She's not my "friend". Is she yours? If you don't really care to associate with her, then just say, "I'm not mad at you.." and leave it at that.

She called me today - thanking me for telling her about the sale. I thought that was sort of strange, and further thought it was strange she tried to make small talk about other stuff, too. I finally had to cut the conversation short by telling her my dinner was almost done (a small lie - the water had just started to boil).

Is that a marker of guilt? Her noticing that I've been more or less cold-shouldering her?

Doubtful a marker of guilt. You called her and gave her info on something. She was being polite in responding. And small talk is possible with your spouse/STBX. I've been divorced 10 years from my first XW and she'll still make small talk. It doesn't mean anything. It's what people do. Do you question why people at work make small talk with you?

[MinnesotaMan]

So I haven't responded yet. However, I'm going to take something of the approach that you've suggested (i'd had it in mind anyway but your post did give me a couple of ideas).

As for my questioning the small-talk with W: The reason I question it is because of where she and I stand at this point. She's still "I definately want to divorce you because you were an emotionally abusive, controlling, and disrespectful husband... but, hey, let's do this polite small-talk interaction stuff while I completely dismiss your wishes and opinions."

She has also to a large degree amplified just how much of a jerk I was. But still smiles and talk to me. I don't freaking get it.

[MinnesotaMan]

A couple other notes:

1) The antidepressants seem to be doing their job. I've got my 3 week follow up with my doctor today. Personally, I'm wondering if my dosage shouldn't be upped just a little bit, but I guess that's more his to determine than mine. They've helped take some of the edge off of the crushing depression, though, so I'm thankful for that at least.

2) I've wanted to send W and e-mail (or tell her in person) with a variety of my thoughts and feelings on things these past few weeks/months.

I've written some of them down, but I don't really plan on sending. It'd be counter-productive and frankly I don't think she'd process any of what I said - or would take it the wrong way. Some of the things I want to say are hurtful (from insults to downplaying the importance of our six year relationship), others are sentimental stupidity.

I've managed to detach a little more; I don't spend as much time thinking about her as I used to. The lack of Tuesdays has been nice - I've gone two without seeing her and I've noticed a decrease in stress.

[Heimlich]

Real quickly: Stop placing all of the blame on your W.

I get that your W hasn't stepped up and taken her fair share of responsibility. Quite possibly, she never will. Let it go, it's not worth worrying over.

Also, I'm not quite sure I understand why you're freezing out B's wife. You've said that she helped spread lies or something about you. Are you certain? Even if you are, she was a friend and as someone says is hurting just as much as you are. Why not give her a chance to explain herself to you. Seems to me that, in a way, you're doing to her what your W is doing to you.

BD