Firstly, party was nice. It was REALLY cold outside so I knew not too many people would show up. But I had a few of my die-hard friends over and we had a ball! Good food, good music, good shyte talkin' fun!
Well, on Monday I was home cuz of the holiday and decided to call H to ask if he wanted to do lunch. Got VM. He called me back and sounded really down. When I asked him if he was alright he said No. Told me he was having surgery that morning. I'm like, "WHAT???!!! How come I didn't know about it? Why am I just finding out NOW??"
Well he explained the situation and I told him I am coming down there right now. I asked him which hospital he was at but he wouldn't tell me. Said he would be alright and that I didn't need to come down. WTF???? Now I'm thinking...you can't have surgery then drive yourself home. So I asked him if he had somebody to drive him home he said, "No. I don't want nobody to be with me. I just want to be alone." Wow....blew my wig off! Had me thinkin' that maybe things aren't going so well with 'girlie girl'. He doesn't even want her to go with him while he was having surgery....wow.
So anyway....he was supposed to call me when he was done but did not. He was scheduled for 10:30am but by 4:00 I hadn't heard from him. So I called. Well it turns out that he was trying to have the procedure done at the dr. office but she wouldn't do it. She sent him to the hospital instead. Apparently when I called him the nurse had just given him some meds so he was kinda drowsy. I asked if he was alone and he said "No...not now. No." So I guess shorty was with him this time. I just said, "OK good. The most important thing is that your not alone trying to do this." (Am I DB'ing my arse off or what?)
Anyway, long story short, our conversation ended up getting very emotional on the phone of course. He was calling me by my pet name and I came so close to saying I LOVE YOU...it took all the strength I had in my physical being not to say it. I really, really, REALLY regret not telling him I love him. I got DB on da brain! Messed up 4 real...
But what bugs the HELL out of me is...my H is having surgery and I can't even be there. Sucks BIG TYME!! His OW is there and I don't even know which hospital he was at. Needless to say I didn't sleep last nite. But I believe if I had said I loved him he would have said it back. It would have been a drug induced I love you...but still...it would have been nice to hear it for a change.
For a while now I been on the fence about whether I wanted to keep fighting for my marriage. I think this incident showed me just how much I love this man. It should be criminal to love somebody so much. I thought I had detached so well. I was so far gone, it really didn't matter to me what he did anymore...I was doing my own thing. But after something like this...I don't know. I guess the thought of possibly losing him for real...FOR GOOD scares the hell outta me.
So today, I have not heard from him...recuperating I assume. But it is agony not being there or being able to take care of him. So many questiions going around in my head....Is she taking care of him right? Changing bandages and making sure his blood sugar stays in check...Watch out for fever, infection...stuff like that.
