I was wondering why my first post had no views, apparently it's broken. Bummer because it was a long one.
Currently we've been together 7 years, married 4+ and separated 40+ days. We also have a S4 that is the light of our lives.
We've had an unhealthy relationship for years and it's my fault. When we first met I was getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship and found she was everything I wanted. We were both blissful, until I screwed it up. 3 months into the relationship I went back and slept with my x-wife. I don't have any excuse or reason for it, believe me I've searched for one, and I've been profoundly sorry every since. But I accept the consequence of my actions and have tried to make up for it over the years. My wife has, perhaps understandably, been unable to forgive this transgression and it has caused resentment and frustration to build over the years. So that every slight brings up emotions from the past. It has also been hard on her self esteem. She knows that when that happened she should have been able to get through it or end the relationship, but did neither and blames herself for that.
A year ago we went to counseling, I know we should have gone years earlier but hind sight is 20/20. The counseling didn't do much for us because neither of us could be honest and really we needed psychological therapy at that point, not relationship guidance. She also went to individual counseling for anger control issues relating to the above infidelity. They didn't help her any with that but referred her to the Dr. who gave her anti-depressants. Those seemed to have fixed the anger problem but left her flat and empty feeling.
Over the next year we drifted apart due to me continuing to be self centered and her lack of emotions due to the meds. In November she ended up in an emotional affair that lasted 3 weeks and got physical at the very end. When I found out I confronted her and she fessed up to everything. She stopped seeing him but needed me to move out because she couldn't live with me until she got her issues sorted out. After a week of pleading and promising I agreed to move out.
Been separated 40 some days now and things started off optimistically but have gone down hill since. Since we first separated we talked every day on the phone and I visited twice a week to have dinner and do my laundry. When we talked on the phone it was more talking and better communication than we've had in the last year. When I'd visit it was pleasant and I'd go out of my way to make her happy. Over the past weekend she seemed bothered and I asked her what was wrong. She said that while we were apart she was waiting to see if she missed me and hoped that she would and want me to come back, but that she hasn't. She said she does love me, but doesn't feel it in a romantic way. Guess that's "love you, but not in love with you".
On my part I'm really torn up, I was devastated by the affair, but I understood why it happened and I know I can get over it. I find myself now "in love" again with my wife. Much like when we first got together. Perhaps it's from realizing what I had and am losing. I've been going to individual counseling since this started and it has been very eye opening. Learned a lot about myself and why I am the way I am. I have some issues that have caused me to be selfish, distant and to take her for granted. She has always made these claims, but now I see it myself. My therapist and I are convinced that we can change the beliefs I have (mostly stemming from low self image) and thus change my behaviors.
I feel confident that I can make the changes to be the man she needs, but I don't know that she can resolve her issues. She has been seeing a psychiatrist, but in three appointments he has only changed around her meds. She hasn't been able to talk to a therapist yet.
I don't feel very optimistic at this point. She has told me that she wouldn't have had the affair if she thought there was any hope of saving things.
Any advise from the pro's out there or those that have been here? Is it possible to start missing someone again? Can I get the love back?
I know either way I'm on a long road until the end, but I want to know if there's hope or if I should focus on moving on.
