I was reading the beginning posts of my last thread, here, and chuckled a bit at all the optimism it contained. I spoke about how the sexual moratorium had pushed a big "reset" button, and I was being myself, and there were all these new possibilities, etc. I'm still being myself, but I think I was doing a bit of self-deception, at least in the area that concerned my hopefulness for a new era of shared intimacy.
Rather, what the moratorium has provided me is a sense of clarity. I am just not that attracted to my wife anymore. I love her, in the sense that I can still look at her after our daughter does or says something cute and share a secret smile of understanding. I can hug her after a long day when she comes home vibing "limping bunny." I can share happiness with her when she reports some exciting news.
I just don't look at her the same way. I don't see her the same way. I see her without the shroud of desire cloaking her hard edges. It's that "new relationship" Burgbud mentioned.
In some ways, it's good. For example, I spent a good portion of yesterday installing a light in our kitchen. It was pretty complicated, at least for me, and there came a point when I had to make a choice about how high the lamps would be above the island in the kitchen. This height was determined by certain extension tubes you could add...or not add. I made a decision, based on my height, but when it came time to clip some wires, I left a lot extra because I suspected MsHdog might want the lights lower than I did, midget that she is. She did indeed want them lower, and this means significant work for me. However, without the veil of desire upon her, I heard her request as one that was made rather politely. Had she made it 4 months ago, when the veil was still in place, I might have taken it much more personally, as if I'd let her down. Now, it's more of a business deal. The customer doesn't like the height of the lights...good thing I allowed for that.
No feelings hurt.
For those familiar with the NMMNG book, this is about the end of my focusing on her "availability" and how my actions impact that quality. I'm not focusing on her availability anymore because I don't have much interest in the outcome. I was going to say "any" interest in the outcome, but "much" is more accurate. There just isn't the concern that I used to have in the possibility that something I do or don't do will have any effect on her willingness to ML with me.
And yes, there is some sadness that goes along with that, too. And yes, there is fear and worry about the high probability that my life is (and the lives of my kids are) facing a major disruption ahead.
I'm still working on getting familiar with this clarity. Sometimes it jars me.
