You husband is being intentionally cruel by calling you a loser and making some comment on your "morality", especially when your brother is going through brain surgery.
He's good at pushing your buttons.
He enjoys the power rush of giving you an allowance.
He's in love with another woman and it makes him feel young an powerful again.
He is going to stop going to church. He'll probably stop calling himself a Christian soon. He got a choice: Jesus or the OW. It's not really about you. If he's a person of genuine faith, then his problem is really a God-problem.
Mark pointed something out: either you Divorce Bust OR you give him an ultimatum, throw him out and expose the affair.
Divorce Busting is more likely to work. Neither option is guaranteed to work. You must be mentally prepared for a divorce.
Regarding my comment about getting your power back...
Well, part of it starts with self-control. Don't let him push your buttons.
Next, the very hard part is trying to detach yourself from the rollercoaster of the affair and the drama he's introducing into your life. Your focus needs to be on you and your kids.
I would suggest some form of excercize that makes you focus and enables you to be stronger, faster, more agile. Feeling in control of your body is good. Physical self-mastery is the first step to emotional self-mastery. You'll have less stress and you will have those endorphins running through your body. Plus you'll look and feel great, which will increase self-confidence.
Try some personal hobbies that are just for you.
Treat yourself occasionally.
Don't apologize to your husband about spending money on yourself. It's your money, too. He can't treat you like a dishrag or a servant.
If he balks at your new desire for self-care, take a matter-of-fact approach. "Look, hun, you are doing the thing to make you happy, which is spend all your free time with this OW, so I need to do some things to try to make me happy during this rough time. We need to make the best of things in the next 8 months. Wouldn't you agreee?"
