I didn't personally want to be around H in any shape or form when his A was full blown. It made me sick, hurt too much. I nicely spread out the time with the kids so we had equal amounts. If we had to do stuff as a family together, I focused on the kids only and treated H like a friend, and most of the time we drove separately. And I never R talked unless it was calm and the kids weren't around.
Hmm. I guess I didn't make it clear enough in my post that I was aware that yesterday I didn't follow DB protocol and was really messing up even though I did write that I did everything wrong yesterday & horribly DB wise? I was really low, depressed, and primarily worried about my brother and his surgery this morning and I think for that reason just didn't have the nerves of steel or whatever and didn't follow the DB plan like I have been doing over the last 6 weeks.
Ohio_Mark, I have been making a sincere effort to follow DB the last 5 or 6 weeks, but had a bad day yesterday. I guess if those aren't sometimes allowable when you are DB'ing (like when your only living family member is set for brain surgery the next day) then DB may not be the plan for me but hopefully there is some forgiveness allowed occasionally??? In retrospect I think the answer for me is that if I know I am having a really stressful day, like my bro's surgery, or taking care of my sick child or something like that, I think I need to just avoid H for the day b/c I think the extra stress is too much for me personally. I should have just spent the day praying for my brother, trying to have positive thoughts, etc. and just avoid my H. Karen43
I think you will find that one of the few "good" things about all of this is that our relationships, and marriages, aren't as FRAGILE as we think they are. One slip-up doesn't negate all of the things you've done right; simply re-group and start again.
An exception to this would be a wayward spouse's re-contact with OM/OW, which starts the brain chemicals a-workin' all over again, and re-sets the clock to "0:00:00," but everything else is fixable.
I said a quick prayer for your brother, and hope everything goes okay.
Thanks! The surgery starts in (about 10 minutes) and my sil will be calling me as soon as he gets out! I have the cell phone sitting next to me! Thanks for the prayer! We are going to start praying too when the surgery starts!
Thanks for saying you can make a slipup! I really did feel horrible about yesterday's outburst! I will try to regroup and start again as you say and hopefully do a lot better! Karen43
You husband is being intentionally cruel by calling you a loser and making some comment on your "morality", especially when your brother is going through brain surgery.
He's good at pushing your buttons.
He enjoys the power rush of giving you an allowance.
He's in love with another woman and it makes him feel young an powerful again.
He is going to stop going to church. He'll probably stop calling himself a Christian soon. He got a choice: Jesus or the OW. It's not really about you. If he's a person of genuine faith, then his problem is really a God-problem.
Mark pointed something out: either you Divorce Bust OR you give him an ultimatum, throw him out and expose the affair.
Divorce Busting is more likely to work. Neither option is guaranteed to work. You must be mentally prepared for a divorce.
Regarding my comment about getting your power back...
Well, part of it starts with self-control. Don't let him push your buttons.
Next, the very hard part is trying to detach yourself from the rollercoaster of the affair and the drama he's introducing into your life. Your focus needs to be on you and your kids.
I would suggest some form of excercize that makes you focus and enables you to be stronger, faster, more agile. Feeling in control of your body is good. Physical self-mastery is the first step to emotional self-mastery. You'll have less stress and you will have those endorphins running through your body. Plus you'll look and feel great, which will increase self-confidence.
Try some personal hobbies that are just for you.
Treat yourself occasionally.
Don't apologize to your husband about spending money on yourself. It's your money, too. He can't treat you like a dishrag or a servant.
If he balks at your new desire for self-care, take a matter-of-fact approach. "Look, hun, you are doing the thing to make you happy, which is spend all your free time with this OW, so I need to do some things to try to make me happy during this rough time. We need to make the best of things in the next 8 months. Wouldn't you agreee?"
Still waiting to hear about my brother--the kids and I are having a Movie day to try to distract me from it all! I'm sure he'll be fine though; the doctors are supposed to be some of the best!
Thanks for all the supportive comments although I probably do not deserve them after yesterday! Theoden, I printed out your latest and added it to some of my other printouts that I keep. You have some really great insights as usual! H does really know how to push my buttons, and I react like his puppet or something when he does that, I am very bad sometimes at having self control when he name calls or insults. I really have to work on that, and that will be on my "list of topics" when my therapist gets back from vacation in 2 weeks (I'm counting the days)!
I'm sad to hear your comments that you think H will leave the church, although he has started to already. I had been hoping that the church and/or the pastor could help him, and that would be a way for him to regain some of his sanity or whatever it is that H has lost (he seems so different now like an alien or whatever you want to call it).
I do want to DB as that is more my style typically. The detaching is the hardest, I think the easiest way to do that might be as I was thinking just to stay away from him completely on my most stressful days?
I started jogging a month or so ago and would eventually like to work up to running when I get in good enough shape. About 2 weeks ago I started doing Pilates with weights, so hopefully that would qualify as you suggest for exercise? I have already lost 30 pounds and am hoping to lose about 10 more.
I do think a really good suggestion (although my husband will HATE it!) is the idea to treat myself and spend money on myself which I have NEVER done! He does treat me like an unpaid servant who as he said "works for room and board". So I think that would be really good not only for me, but for him as well to see me showing that I am strong enough to stand up for myself in that way which I should have done years ago. I'm not planning on going crazy with the money, but I'm sure just even spending a small amount on getting some new clothes I really need to get now that I've lost weight for example will probably drive him crazy!!! Karen43
Still waiting to hear about my brother--the kids and I are having a Movie day to try to distract me from it all! I'm sure he'll be fine though; the doctors are supposed to be some of the best!
Thanks for all the supportive comments although I probably do not deserve them after yesterday! Theoden, I printed out your latest and added it to some of my other printouts that I keep. You have some really great insights as usual! H does really know how to push my buttons, and I react like his puppet or something when he does that, I am very bad sometimes at having self control when he name calls or insults. I really have to work on that, and that will be on my "list of topics" when my therapist gets back from vacation in 2 weeks (I'm counting the days)!
I'm sad to hear your comments that you think H will leave the church, although he has started to already. I had been hoping that the church and/or the pastor could help him, and that would be a way for him to regain some of his sanity or whatever it is that H has lost (he seems so different now like an alien or whatever you want to call it).
I do want to DB as that is more my style typically. The detaching is the hardest, I think the easiest way to do that might be as I was thinking just to stay away from him completely on my most stressful days?
I started jogging a month or so ago and would eventually like to work up to running when I get in good enough shape. About 2 weeks ago I started doing Pilates with weights, so hopefully that would qualify as you suggest for exercise? I have already lost 30 pounds and am hoping to lose about 10 more.
I do think a really good suggestion (although my husband will HATE it!) is the idea to treat myself and spend money on myself which I have NEVER done! He does treat me like an unpaid servant who as he said "works for room and board". So I think that would be really good not only for me, but for him as well to see me showing that I am strong enough to stand up for myself in that way which I should have done years ago. I'm not planning on going crazy with the money, but I'm sure just even spending a small amount on getting some new clothes I really need to get now that I've lost weight for example will probably drive him crazy!!! Karen43
The next time your husband goes on one of his name-calling insult rants, just stare at him, incredulously, like he has three eyeballs or something, and then just slowly shake your head, disapprovingly. Add in a "Wow", or "Unbelievable" if you care to, but I found that's a great way to diffuse when you can't think of something clever to say.
