In the meanwhile, you better find something to do other than think about the WA. And make it something you can live with permanently, otherwise you are just wasting your time.
Thanks jmw128. So far that "something" has been taking care of our kids and my job. No time or energy for much else other than occasionally meeting good family friends with or without the kids present. The kids are too young to leave alone. So I cannot do activities on a regular weekly basis (e.g., taking a class) because I have the kids every other week for the entire week; I have done some of this using a sitter but it gets very expensive and hard to arrange on a regular basis. No family anywhere close by. But fortunately my job is somewhat flexible so I can work from home when the kids are ill. But I do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the WAW and how I can improve myself whether she changes or not. Lately I seem to have made some progress communicating with her.
Last edited by fb2; 01/22/0802:52 PM.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Love Languages ... I think W's is "Words of Affirmation" and "Gifts".
Don't know mine. W has been so hurtful for so long that any of these would work well: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
The rabbit ran away again and stayed out an entire night; don't know where he's been or what he did out there. The kids, myself and the neighbor chased him but he outran us. He came by the next day and I stood still with outstretched hands and he came right up and let me pick him up. Wish my WAW would do likewise.
Enjoyed having the kids but 'twas busy with chores and looking after them. We shopped, cooked, attended a cub scout meeting, watched videos, played some board games. D11 lost a tooth and the tooth fairy rewarded her. S7 gave trouble going to school today saying he had a tummy ache - had to drag him to class and hurt my back in the process - probably just got the blues from the long weekend but the teacher said she'll call if he's really sick. Called W to tell her about S7 - she was more concerned with fighting her numerous traffic tickets.
I'm waiting a week to see if W initiates a meeting with me. And "hanging in there" on Ann's advice. Other than this board most people including W have told me months ago to "move on".
Start with simple things, like go catch a movie or go to dinner. Also you can eliminate things that do not aid your pursuit of happiness. I made a lot of 180's in my life that have lead to me being happier, such as no internet gaming, a big help. Another thing that helped me early on is for any ounces of love I gave my 5D she would give me back 10 times that much.
I am so confident in myself now that I know I can push on if I do not have WAW. I also know that if WAW were to try she would see a new man worthy of her. Either way I win.
I'm waiting a week to see if W initiates a meeting with me. And "hanging in there" on Ann's advice. Other than this board most people including W have told me months ago to "move on".
If you took other peoples advice to "move on" what exactly would you do ? How would your behaviour change. Something for you to think about to.
Related to the above and something I've mentioned before, W doesn't see you moving on, maybe you need to give her that impression for things to change.
I know its a circular argument but again somthing for you to think about.
If you took other peoples advice to "move on" what exactly would you do ? How would your behaviour change. Something for you to think about to.
Here are a few: I'd have go dancing and dating, sell the house and downsize, accelerate the divorce, stop DBing, ...
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
Related to the above and something I've mentioned before, W doesn't see you moving on, maybe you need to give her that impression for things to change.
Correct and I constantly keep this in mind. Some baby steps last 2-3 months: no R/M talk, don't always answer phone, I rarely sympathize, never suck up, holding firm on finances, learned to cook, focus on the kids who I'm convinced really LOVE their dad, ... Perhaps W needs a 180-like high voltage jolt but I'm too cautions and at a loss for what to do
Originally Posted By: jmw128
Also you can eliminate things that do not aid your pursuit of happiness.
Personally I'm a minimalist so this comes easily to me. W didn't always appreciate this however but I consider this a good trait in general so I'm sticking with it except I must not let it overtake generosity and compassion for others who do not think like me.
Originally Posted By: jmw128
Another thing that helped me early on is for any ounces of love I gave my 5D she would give me back 10 times that much.
I can vouch for this. I have learned to be dad and mom to my kids. In fact the LLs apply to kids as well. It makes me more confident and gives me strenght to go on more than dating and drinking would do for me.
Originally Posted By: jmw128
I am so confident in myself now that I know I can push on if I do not have WAW. I also know that if WAW were to try she would see a new man worthy of her. Either way I win.
I'll keep this in mind. My confidence is improving and that sense of shame/guilt/fear is melting away. The Ws will also have to do their part eventually to "win" us back or we'd feel like doormats.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
OK, now I've got you thinking, here's what I think
Go dancing - Start now GAL Dating - Maybe, at least boost you self esteem. Sell the house and downsize - Not sure (of you financial position) Accelerate the Divorce, - Possibly then let W slow it down Stop DBing, - No, it's made you a better person.
Go dancing - Start now GAL Dating - Maybe, at least boost you self esteem. Sell the house and downsize - Not sure (of you financial position) Accelerate the Divorce, - Possibly then let W slow it down Stop DBing, - No, it's made you a better person.
I'm a reserved type, so dancing is a bit awkward; but I've done it occasionally to please W. I'm mulling over how to initiate dating - there's a lot of crazy, pathetic and needy women out there so I don't want to get in more trouble by jeopardizing the respect of my kids and the community at large. The house is now 100% in my name because I had to mortgage it to pay off W's share of the equity but the pay-off money is still in legal trust because W wanted more money for it so I've been tempted to call her bluff and sell the darn thing - this way she'll have to split the capital gains, realtor fees, etc. Last October W accused me of "stalling" so I contacted my lawyer and pushed the pedal to the floor. But it seems like W is actually the one stalling cos she's sticking with some ridiculous claims that are not going anywhere with the lawyers. The main argument of the "move-on" advocates is W cannot be trusted anymore and even if she came back she's cause irreparable damage and will most likely make my life even more miserable than before and may do/threaten the D thing again when she doesn't get her way.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
My confidence is improving and that sense of shame/guilt/fear is melting away.
I can't exactly say I feel my guilt is melting away. I guess I have always felt that it was mostly my fault. BUT, I have made a lot 180's/changes, that I believe are best for me. That is what helped me. Knowing I will never be that person again.
I can't exactly say I feel my guilt is melting away. I guess I have always felt that it was mostly my fault. BUT, I have made a lot 180's/changes, that I believe are best for me. That is what helped me. Knowing I will never be that person again.
I talked to a pastor early on about the guilt feelings. Felt strongly I'd failed in many ways and not done all I could have. But he pointed out that none of my actions or lack thereof were intended to hurt. In fact a lot of what W took offense to was specifically intended for the long term good of the family. At any rate I think it was mostly W constantly on the attack and my lack of patience/skills to deal with it by validation of her feelings and by being more assertive in these situations. Instead I became reactive, frustrated, irritable and angry.
jmw128 if can look up my sitch and suggest some possible 180's to add to Lan's list I'd appreciate it.
