I think "need" for the other often translates into us allowing the other to dictate our own feelings of self worth. If he'she loves me I am worthy, if not I am unworthy. Pretty black and white and kind of frightening when you think about it! You are absolutely right OT, when you say detachment and real intimacy go hand in hand but in our society often the opposite is taught as real love. Strange, eh! Here's a quote I like which is related to this topic:
Begin to configure other people as fellow pilgrims not as shrines meant to give you comfort or answers. The shrine is in your own heart. Other people can relate to you helpfully but not complete you. - David Richo
