Hows it going? I really missed my BF today too...I have been struggling for 2 days, desperate to contact him and questioning why I'm not..then I have to remind myself, he left ME, he knows where I am and how I feel about him...so I guess I have to wait? Its confusing becuase the advice here says try something new, adjust if what you were doing wasnt working...but if they're not contacting us, how do you know if us staying dark is chipping away at their resolve, or having no effect !?? I cant figure this one out! I didnt C him in the end though. I have decided to just let him come to me, when he's ready. Whats your plan?
I wanted to post you, because of your age..someone on this board mentioned 1/4 MLC...this does exist, but is not so much a crisis as an evolution. MLC is on average around 42 and linked to the 7 year cycles of Saturn. We all have a "Saturn Return" at between 27 1/2 and 30, this is what you're experiencing. It can mean hard work, hard lessons but also a time to grow and mature and find out who you are. It often effects our close relationships and tests them. Look it up on google?
Anyway, apologies if you think astrology is rubbish! I just thought as you are 29, and you married on the last Saturn cycle (7 years ago), it might help put some perspective on your sitch, if you're interested.
(Essie... sorry to hijack your thread...) thanks for bringing up saturn returns, I think it has a lot to do with the QLC or the Transitional Life Crisis and I have been thinking about it a lot too!
One rule of thumb, straight from Divorce Remedy, is to use a strategy for 2 weeks and then try something else, unless you get a negative reaction from your S that you shouldn't be using that strategy at all. I know what you mean about being patient with the NC, and NC seems to have its own time frame. I myself am 2 1/2 months into NC, and ready to go to 4-6. But every situation is different. There's no way for us to "know" if it's "working" when we're not getting any feedback, but it does give us space to recenter, get a life, and work on our PMA, and take a step back from the rollercoaster...
We have all gone dark and are practising NC it seems.
In my case, my BF still has some of his stuff here, and we own property, so hes gonna HAVE to contact me at some point. I'm beginning to dread it, as I dont know how to react and I have a feeling hes going to still be disinterested and resolute as before. Essie, is there reason for your H to contact you? Over the D maybe, or joint assets? At least you had some chatty texts a while back. Funny what you said about that though, do I really want to be with a man who buys himself remote control cars !?
Do you think sometimes though, things can go too far, to reconcile? My BF said to me, "people change and grow and go in different directions", although he couldnt describe how he had done this! Cant help thinking, maybe he has a point and I should just accept it, and give up...
driving myself nuts again this evening again. :-)
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Sorry you missed H today (this is confusing me- was today your yesterday? The future is hard to fathom!). I don't understand him at all, because you seem in all your posts to be an amazing person- confident, independent, supportive. Men!!
Originally Posted By: Essie
I hope DB is going to work for me, I really really missed H today.
Where's that PMA? I read somewhere that we create our reality, so BELIEVE that DBing WILL work for you. We are all rooting for you and your M.
Your H is foolish for not seeing what a wonderful woman you are! Your strength and courage are amazing....and one day, whe your H comes out of the fog, he will see what he's been missing!
I believe in the DBing...and I believe everything will work out for you and your M!
You are an inspiration!
((((Essie))))
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Wow..I wish I had such faith in DBing! I agree though, you do sound like a fab woman. I think thats the problem here. Lots of strong, capable woman, and weak, emotionally stunted men..!? Its not so much coming out of their fog, as maybe they need to grow up a bit? Commitment isnt something you just switch on and off.
You are right....committment isn't something to be switched on and off! Only in the state that MLCers are in, they can't see that! They can only see themselves and what they think they want or don't want...they are like small children trying to get their way....whining, begging, crying....all the things they teach us not to do in DB. They are lost in their own little fantasy worlds and are fighting to find their way out....they just don't realize or care (at least in my H's case) what damage is being done in the process.
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
My BF certainly doesnt value commitment, he said he "was committed" to me, but isnt anymore. Didnt make sense! I'm not even sure he is in MLC. I wish someone would tell me !! What do you reckon Essie, your H in MLC? Its so confusing isnt it, they are both young (34 and 32), but guess is possible.
True though, if it is MLC, then a type of selfishness kicks in and they can only think of themselves. I see it as a lack of empathy, they are unable to empathise with your position, else they wouldnt be so brutal.
Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Especially OneDay and BA065 - you guys are reading me so well. I sort of lost hope over the weekend, and thought maybe I should just get over it and move on. I really needed that encouragement that DB can work and it has a chance of working for me. My mum made a tiny comment about women who hang onto a marriage even when its obvious that its over.... And I guess I was thinking am I just dragging out the process instead of facing reality? But you are right. I choose to stand for H and for our marriage, and if anything can bring him back then it has to be DB. If it doesnt bring him back then I will know that I tried everything, and in the meantime I know I will be stronger and happier anyway.
My mum was actually trying to encourage me that I'm doing great, by not letting the breakdown of our marriage get me all bitter and revengeful. (Not that Mum knows I'm trying to DB). I've started to tell a few people, but I realise that they think I'm nuts and try and talk me out of it, with the best intentions of helping me let go. So you guys are my support - thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping just by reading and encouraging me.
Stay strong and be patient... you can do it!!