Sally, it did feel like H was trying to sound like he had no choice but to be with OW. He was hurting, lonely, and feeling betrayed by me (for ignoring him and his needs...spew by the way) and there she was. But guess what, he opened HIS heart and unzipped HIS pants. He could have been the real man and divorced me first, then pursued her right back.
Trying HARD not to make it about OW, keep reminding me of this.....
I do see now that OW/affair was a result of a failing marriage. Not a choice he should have made, but he was in a place where he 'needed' that at the time. Why and how we got to that point is more important than the actual affair.
I had to quote all of that post as I agree so much. But you know me - I STILL dislike OW so bad for what she did and can't wait for karma to come bite her back!!!!!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
There is a married woman in Washington who May think her husband is the most wonderfull man in the world.... Little does she know....
I also agree with this.....but.....as OP is no longer 'messing' with your W and MAY NOT be messing with anyone else's ask yourself, do you want to hurt her like you have ben hurting. In this instance I would say it is about being kind to her. If it was still continuing or you KNEW OM was carrying on with his dallying I would say something different. Husband, you have taken the high road and been very kind and patient as that is who you are - and it's what we all love about you. I think it's what your W loves about you too.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I am glad to hear things are going pretty well for you. I really do still have hope for you guys...baby steps and all that. but you also seem to have your head on right (as ususal) that no matter what the future brings, this will be healthiest/best for you guys.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
WoooHoooo a lot of positive things happening. Maybe that fog is lifting just a little. It is amazing how sex can bring two people closer. Or at least just even act nicer towards each other. I really don't think he is using you for sex. That's just my opinion here. But I think it is something more. He is being drawn to you and desiring you. You know an interesting thing I read the other week is when there is relationship troubles or if the man isn't in love or has deep hurt feelings the sex is the first thing to go. So I guess even men have changed in that area.
I am happy for you that things are changing around a little. I am happy to hear he is being more considerate. You deserve it!
Thanks michael....I am here, its just nothing much has changed in our house.
I was thinking today how scared I was this summer. Terrified of H leaving me, terrified of OW's H leaving her (making her completely available), worried about every phone call, every mood, every word H said. Just plain worried. Today, I am not scared of much these days. Basically I am worried about my kids if we D, but that's about it. I have realized through all this I cannot control any of this, can only react to it, and make the best out of the situation. Try to figure out what I want, hopefully watch H 'recover' from this crisis, and staying close with him without enabling him to cake eat....
love ya. seriously, you are doing great. stay strong, keep allowing yourself to be vulnerable but with your eyes open. no matter what, I have no doubt that you will be okay.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
husband, I have noticed you seem to be regretting what you have done in the past, and I think if you had come in full force (exposing the A, being angry, not making room for her hurt) you would have driven her away even further. By being patient and kind, you are showing her its safe to stay. There will be time to talk about your hurt in the future.
LWB,
Didn't mean to throw a damp rag on your thread.... No I don't really "regret" any of the things I have done. EVER. Even the things that lead up to the affair. I don't becasue I have learned by them. Each of us have to deal with our sitches the way we feel we need to. No body is right or wrong just diferant. and Yes Saffie I don't know for sure if OM is still doing this but I know his past and this is a trend... I just errased a bunch of stuff becasue I don't want to start making this look like the Clintion / Obama debate ( did you see that last night??. Om is not my Problem at this point. take care LWB, YES WE have come along way.. It does feel nice that Our spouses are reaching out in little ways... and yes it is "Possible". I would have pushed my W farther away if I exposed the A in the begining. But.... We will noever know...
take care Dr. Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
*Its our only option. I feel like it'll be the biggest mistake of my life, but feel I have to do it.
*I hate that you have taken your ring off, but I can't do anything about it.
*I am still here because the kids deserve both of us for as long as possible. And I am enjoying our time together too.
*I hate to think of you moving forward, but can't do anything about it.
*I know the things I would have to change (he listed them, and touched EVERYTHING on my list, and I have never told him my 'list') and I would be willing to do this. It would have to be done to make us work again.
*(next sentence) But I don't think it'll work.
*You won't be able to move past the hurt.
*OW pursued me, but I made choices, all the wrong ones.
*I see now it was immoral to bring the girls around her.
*I don't know what we should do about Florida.
*OW has had 2-3 other affairs that her H does NOT know about (!!! OMG !!!)... I responded "That is horrible of her" and he said "Yes, I agree".
*I see now that yes, the girls will be affected by this D.
*I see now what kind of person OW is. She flirts with everyone. I hate to say it to you, but it drives me crazy when she does this. This is one of the reasons I am distancing myself from her, its not healthy for me to feel this way about someone else while married. Its an f'ing mess.
*I want to help you when you decide where you want to live, where you want to put the girls in school.
* I think we should start spending more time together.
*I will never be close to your family or your best friend ever again(history there of H being wronged).
I said:
*In spite of everything we do to make the girls transition easy, this will be hard on them. They will be the children of divorced parents.
*I am not scared of being alone (without H), but I am scared of permanent decisions and making them prematurely.
*However, I feel I can't wait much longer. You have had a lot of time to make decisions, change your actions, and you continued on.
*I love you, will always love you. But I can only take so much.
(I mostly listened)
**** Much more was said, I'll add if I think of them. Can you guys believe the OW??? She is a serial adulterer!!!! Wow, just wow.
lwb, you must be reeling from the ride you have taken today. your h sounds like he is on such a roller coaster himself right now. its good that he realizes some of the changes he needs to make, but he also needs the tools to make those changes, or see the possibilities that making those changes can bring. it is possible, but I truly believe its going to take at minimum some kind of counseling to get there, and he's going to need to find a way to open himself up to it.
so that is why they have been "fighting." makes sense, actually. he broke it off because of her flirting and such...his eyes are opening.
and hell no it doesn't surprise me about her having other affairs. I'm surprised it surprises you. I would have bet money on it, based on the mere fact that there has been another in her past and she never seemed to really do anything to change things.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
