Are we wasting time?

[CharlieBrown]

"Balto,

You ask a great -- and difficult -- question. My own take on it has long been that the techniques and concepts espoused here, from SSM to Schnarch and some of the others, will ONLY work if BOTH spouses are fully committed to trying to save the relationship. And even then, it's going to take a HELLUVA lotta work, and the improvements may be only gradual, and -- worse -- will probably be short-lived.

If both partners are NOT willing to work at it, then I think these concepts will help one become a better, more confident, and less enmeshed person, but I don't think it will save your marriage, nor will it improve your sex life.

The sex won't be better, but you'll become better able to DEAL with it.

That's just my opinion, based on reading and posting here for a few years myself.

Choc."

Baltoman,

I agree for the most part with Choc's conclusion. For me, lurking and posting has helped me learn that I am not alone and that, in and of itself, has provided some comfort on those (many) lonely nights. Has this help solved my lack of sex? Not much, but maybe it has helped me to relax a bit in my response to rejection and alter my approach. I can tell you this, if I had found this site when problems first cropped up, I would have handled things completely differently and we either wouldn't have gotten married, or our relationship would have had a different paradigm.

One issue I find myself having to deal with when I spend much time on here is that I start to see bits of everyone's sitch's in my own, even when they are not there to see. My sitch is my own and has its own aspects, but it is easy to project others into it when you read about them hour after hour. For example, I found myself wondering (based on the life of LFL), "If I had an affair, or my W thought I would really do it, would it make her realize how stupid she is being and start giving me all the sex I could handle?" The answer in real life is, to quote former Senator Dick Armey, my wife would be asking "How do I reload this thing?" as I lay on the floor. Not to single you out LFL, I am just using your sitch as one example from the dozens I could pick.

PF