H had an affair, now wants me back,,,

[LL44]

When does he come home? I can only imagine how hard it is to have him away. It seems he is super committed this time, though. I guess you have to take a leap of faith here.

And she reminded me that I don't have to make a decision right now and that it is okay to feel needy. She's telling me to be gentle with myself and that I don't have to be strong for both of us. Just for me...just for me.

Very smart counselor. Take care!

[ntl]

Thank you, lwb! He comes home Saturday at 5 pm. He's taking a flight out of Munich in the early AM to make back.

And we do have a great counselor. She's very focused on our individual growth and how our individual strength will help and guide us to communicate in ways our pride and egos have kept us from doing in the past.

Right now... I am telling myself: one day at a FREAKING time!!!

HAH.

ntl

[LL44]

That's all we can do, isn't it???? One day, one day, one day....

That counselor sounds perfect for you. Now, hurry up Saturday!

[smileysmile1966]

Ntl.

I so admire your courage.
I would think your situation is much worse than mine.
I wish my estranged W had the same endurance as you. Maybe she did but I needed a swift kick between the legs to 'wake me up'.

I wish I could turn the clock back or undo all the past. Some people are stubborn and they won't forgive or/and feel foolish to themselves and friends/family and have no respect for themselves if they came back.
Of course the spouse they have left would have to make huge changes and there would have to be a lot of work.
But my ex doesn#t think I can change and wouldn't take the risk.
But life is a risk. If she met with OM that would be a risk.

I admire you for keeping in there. I hope he sorts himself out.

[karen43]

ntl, your story sounds so much like mine, my H had lots of job stress, he was working his job and often filling in for a missing boss or co-worker for the past 2 years, and I gained 40 pounds, not much sex and talking between us, so he found someone else to do that with. I am so glad I found this site and others here that are in similar situations! I think this site and AD's and therapy have surprisingly made me feel quite a bit better in the 6 weeks since he gave me the no longer in love with you (and want a divorce) speech...Karen43

[ntl]

ntl, your story sounds so much like mine, my H had lots of job stress, he was working his job and often filling in for a missing boss or co-worker for the past 2 years, and I gained 40 pounds, not much sex and talking between us, so he found someone else to do that with. I am so glad I found this site and others here that are in similar situations! I think this site and AD's and therapy have surprisingly made me feel quite a bit better in the 6 weeks since he gave me the no longer in love with you (and want a divorce) speech...Karen43

Doesn't that speech just make you want to hurl?! I remember feeling like I lost my best friend and my brain in one fell swoop.

I hope you find the help you need here and that you find a way to make yourself strong while your marriage gets back on track. It feels so much better that way.

I have tough, tough moments and strong, strong moments.

I wish you luck!

My H is coming home tomorrow after being away for a while so I am excited. Of course, I have that sense of nervousness in my belly, too. I sometimes don't know how to act. I decide to act in the way that feels loving at the time.

My H likes to be affirmed, likes to feel like he's the protector of the family (even though it's just me and our doglet!) and I am going to try to push those buttons so he knows I care and that I need him.

Good luck and good DB'ing to all!!

Regards,

ntl

[ntl]

Ntl.

I so admire your courage.
I would think your situation is much worse than mine.
I wish my estranged W had the same endurance as you. Maybe she did but I needed a swift kick between the legs to 'wake me up'.

Thank you. It's easy to be courageous when your heart is compassionate. I sometimes wonder if am substituting foolishness for compassion, but I don't think so. I am a smart, smart girl who is well-adjusted, kind, and supportive. And I have great, great parents who raised me the best way they could and love me always. Knowing that helps.

I wish I could turn the clock back or undo all the past. Some people are stubborn and they won't forgive or/and feel foolish to themselves and friends/family and have no respect for themselves if they came back.
Of course the spouse they have left would have to make huge changes and there would have to be a lot of work.
But my ex doesn#t think I can change and wouldn't take the risk.
But life is a risk. If she met with OM that would be a risk.

Do you think you can change? If so, do it for yourself. If you feel you've got things to learn, ways to be a better person, then make the changes for you. You'll feel so much better about who you are.

I admire you for keeping in there. I hope he sorts himself out.

I hope so, too, smiley. But if he can't, then I'll be happy I tried so hard and happy I had these good times. And, if nothing else, it was a serious enough jolt that I made several significant changes in myself. And I will always be grateful for the lessons I have learned about me.

[ntl]

So...H is returning shortly. Should be here in about 3 1/2 hours.

I am trying to tidy up and get the house looking organized. One of things about H is that he starts getting stressed out and doesn't cope as well when the house is a wreck. His emotional/business/physical well-being is very strongly tied to the order or DISorder around him.

I am quite the opposite, of course. I don't mind messes and am perfectly fine with dirty dishes in the sink...WAIT. Actually...I am not that person anymore. It's so strange. Everything got so out of order in my life: my marriage, my work life was falling apart, I was getting screwed up physically from not eating and being stressed out, that I felt like the disorder in my home was making me loony.

I talked to my C about it and she said to me that sometimes that happens. That when everything gets out of control, you find something that you can CONTROL, and you fixate. Sometimes you fixate too much and it becomes almost OCD. She said to watch myself and how I feel when I see things out of order. She says if I start to feel anxiousness and fear, then I need to start to talk to her about it more regularly, because that's an unhealthy sign. I really think she's great. She's really big on being very introspective and really getting to the root of why you're feeling a certain way. In her opinion, most "feelings" are a result of fear and hurt. And when you distill it to that level, you can deal with those more easily.

Anyway...just rambling. Needed to get some feelings out.

Strangely, I am a little nervous/apprehensive/excited about H coming home. On the one hand, I was exceptionally fine this week, apart from a 3 instances where I felt very scared and uncertain. But, on the other hand, I saw that I was able to handle everything just fine and that I reading the Upanishads and the Dhammapada (ancient eastern philosophical texts) really helped me.

Hope everyone is having, or has had, a great Saturday.

Regards,

ntl

[karen43]

How is everything going? Just curious. Karen43

[ntl]

How is everything going? Just curious. Karen43

Hiya! Thanks for asking...

Everything is going well. I think two things added up to make the homecoming a little less fulfilling than expected:

1) H was extremely exhausted/jet-lagged from his two weeks out on market research
2) I was experiencing issues with pre-menstrual mood swings and was more anxious and was more emotionally-driven than usual

That led to me feeling like his reaction wasn't BIG or effusive enough for me and I was so fragile and disconnected from the little contact we had, that I immediately began to question everything.

I held on though, and he did a lot of reassuring and helping. We went to see our C this morning and she was (as usual) very helpful and very good to bounce things up against. One of the realities of my mood is that I experience quite drastic mood issues at about 2 weeks before my period, and 3-4 days before my period. I am going to talk to my OB/Gyn about a BC pill that may help regulate some of that for me. I started to plot those days on a chart and it became very obvious what was happening. Definitely hormonal.

Today, therefore, was a good day. We're working on rebuilding the foundation and I am working on living in the present.

I am the kind of person who is very controlling and results-oriented. I take things out to their possible conclusions and want to make decisions NOW. But I'm realizing that while that strategy serves me particularly well at work, and in fact makes me very successful, is probably stifling my efforts to reconnect with H. I am consumed with making a decision and when I do an analysis of what might happen, I want to cut and run. And that keeps me from living in the present moment and being a part of the process that is happening now. I am continually assessing and reassessing and it ain't working!

So...that's the skinny for now...

Regards,

ntl