At this stage, I believe that anything you do that even gets your mind geared towards "DBing" or anything similar is going to set you off on that course at your own personal expense.
The so-called "fixer" in you wants and needs further distraction from dealing with your own pain , which reaches back into your childhood by your own admission. Your DESIRE to "save" your marriage comes from two places, only one of which is your heart.
The other is your own need to continue to avoid dealing with your own demons .
I think Amy was right on the mark here Frank.
So I know there are all these issues floating around. The Prius, the tickets at church, the dancing in the bedroom.
I don't know what they all mean. But I do have this feeling inside that they serve nothing more than to distract you from the real work that you're trying to do here. Yourself.
You've sounded better the past couple days. It seems to me that you're beginning to get your legs under you again so to speak. Please don't let a somewhat renewed strength lead you directly into placing the focus back on your relationship.
You have 5-6 months Frank, if your wife sticks to her plan. And given her financial status, it would surprise me if she suddenly accelerates the plan. But those are not 5-6 months for you to labor furiously to save the marriage. Wasn't at least part of the lesson of the past year that healing the marriage could well come at the expense of Frank?
Hop over to FIB's thread Frank. I know you two talk with some regularity, but go over and just read today's posts. This man, whom YOU mentored, gets it. At least I think he does. He knows that he CANNOT do anything to change his wife or her mind. So in the face of conflicting signals from her, including being told that she does not want a divorce, he is moving forward. He is living his life, caring for his children and himself, and being civil to his wife at the same time.
I'm not suggesting that your situation matches the dynamic in FIB's exactly. I am suggesting that you need to find the level of detachment and self-sufficiency that he has found.
How many times are people on this board told to take care of themselves, to fix the parts that need fixing, improve the parts that need improving, find goals that bring satisfaction and joy to their lives? How many times have we counseled people to take the focus OFF their spouse, and place it squarely and one hundred percent on themselves and their children.
You can only control the life that you control Frank.
Wondering about her motivations amounts to questions that NO ONE has the answer to. The phrase cheeseless tunnels comes to mind. There is nothing to be gained there, and, more importantly, MUCH to be lost during the pursuit.
You're moving in the right direction. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by issues that you have no control over or answers to.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
