Last Sunday, WAW, at the end of another of our latest 10-15 pleasant, enjoyable, etc conversations, said with her head down and turned to the side and softly spoken,"if you have paid for a lawyer, you need to get them on the ball." I responded with, "Yeah, you are right about that..." and went to church.
But I need to follow best advice on this site, believe 50% of what WAW say. One can just go crazy on the roller-coaster reading the tea leaves about that statement.
I am going to let whatever brief conversations we have this weekend guide me to whether I send card or not next week.
Interesting wrinkle, just got off the phone, I have an appointment to see a house this weekend while I have 5D. So, WAW will get the Daddy's getting a new house message.
Had to call WAW this morning because 5D got birthday party invitation for a classmate at school for today and I found it this morning. We are both educators and I wanted to know if I should bring a gift or not. Awkward beginning, I said," hi good morning, she said good morning", cheerful but funny sounding. She was about as shocked as me. But she agreed with my solution.
Then talked about 5D counting by 5's to 100 and how she is getting better. She had it when she went to bed last night. She offered suggestions this time and I validated her. I said she had her spelling words but not math. More like her momma instead of me, she kind of chuckled.
Talked a bit about 5D conduct report from yesterday. She spent time daydreaming about me and not doing classwork. WAW said I need to tell her we cannot do those things if she does do her work. I told WAW that I had done that and said Mommy and Daddy will always be proud of you if you do your best. Then I ran my mouth about her story and how it may have spurned from deer in my backyard the other night while she was in the tub. Completely unnecessary...
Then, I basically said I am going to be so late and have to go have a good time at the ball game tonight. She said, "oh I am dreading it" which stunk for a way to get off the phone.
Positives 1) All about 5D 2) pleasant 3) I very much got off the phone first 4) Validated her about how to teach 5D, gift, 5D conduct... 5) She answered and seemed in a good mood...definitely not angry, but not the laughter from the other day.
Negatives 1) Asked her to have a good time at game and she said,"she is dreading it" kind of stinks to get off the phone like that. 2) I ran my mouth to much about why 5D may have been daydreaming. Was only about a 7 minute conversation but that may have been a minute of it.
My posts are just to long...but I will see WAW 3 times this weekend to drop-off or pick-up 5D.
Saturday morning I have an appointment to see a house when I am suppose to drop-off 5D. This is a dream on mine that we also shared. One way or the other WAW will find out. I guess it is a bit scary because even though I am moving on, I want her with me and I suppose she might just not care. No harm in looking I suppose.
Sunday morning to go to and then drop-off 5D for church...so another opportunity to chit chat...
I so wish I could show her the man I am now and not the person who she removed from her life 4 months ago...I hope and pray I get a chance...maybe she is looking.
Ahh, just over-thinking things...my self-imposed letter/card deadline, looking at houses, some pleasant, enjoyable conversations, enrolling 5D in dance, changes in my life, just run the gambit of emotions from utter doom to hopeful to almost certain reconciliation. I just need to be patient and give her space and time. Just not think/worry about it all.
Meanwhile, 5D and I are going to make dinner tonight, paint plaster alphabet, rent a movie, maybe go look for deer, and read bedtime stories. Not going to get wrapped up in things anymore, especially today.
It snowed here in the deep south Saturday morning. WAW, 5D, and I played in the snow a bit. Then she offered to let go inside to warm hands after I cleared snow off her car. This was the first time I had been in the house since separation. Her house was a wreck. Things everywhere. Not filthy just messy. Anyhow, we talked...
-she said first and most negative of all..."I don't want you to think you have a chance." ugh, I suppose she could have said it a lot worse and heck not even talk to me. But then I told her things I wanted to in card... -told her decision I have made with regard to my parents and how I was raised and how I do not want 5D to feel like I did/do. It was meaningful to WAW -then it came out card stuff...why I was unhappy for years, illustrated with examples and then how I wanted her to see what was happening when I hollered at her. Told her I was sorry and it never was about you. she then spent a long time telling a story about peoples reaction at work and she has learned she cannot control other peoples reaction -she made mention of "wishing I was just sign" with her head buried to the side...it tells me she is not filing fault. once again, almost unsure. I wonder if I should better illustrate moving on like me looking at houses with 5D. That surprised her. -she has no money/lonely/seems depressed and is shocked at the things I am able to do now. -she said that she has gotten jealous and mad at the things I am able to do for 5D now that I couldn't/wouldn't before. She also said it makes her happy because she cannot provide those things for 5D. -she told me the maddest she has ever been is when I planted flowers, mowed grass, and other chores in one day when we first separated. She also said she thought I had a chance then. -at one point she made mention of money and how she had $30 for the rest of the month and I said, "i really don't know how to respond to that, I'd give you everything I have, but I know you don't want it, I just don't know how to say to that. -I talked about dreams of babies, houses, etc...and how it will always be short with her. she was unsure of her dreams now...I think this is another sign of her being depressed. -at the end of our sit down conversation, i said I really miss my best friend and wished she would just call me sometime to tell me about her day. she said,"I would like that, maybe I'll do that." -tried to leave but she started showing me things in the house. It was like she didn't want me to leave. -she doesn't want things to be awkward. -about the last thing she did, after showing me pictures she had bought and such, was plunder through a box. she found a purse with $2 in it. I opened my wallet and said more than me and she offered me one of the dollars. Somewhere, at this point I slipped and called her sweetheart and she just continued talking, she did not get mad like the last time I slipped and said it.
That's the short version.
I'd like to know...despite the negative, "I don't want you to think you have a chance," I was at her house 2 and half hours. 2.5 HOURS. Positive I would think. I hope she is just confused and will try again one day. She heard and has seen a lot of my changes. I guess she needs time to process now. I also think she needs to be happier before she tries.
Now, I am more confused I guess. I feel like either I am more hopeless than before OR I could ask her to the movies as friends and she would go. Like the extremes are even further apart. I am going to leave her alone for awhile and see if she calls soon. I'd like nothing more than to rebuild our M.
Despite the fact that WAW said, "I don't want you to think you have a chance." I was at her house 2.5 hours after the statement. It felt like she did not want me to leave, especially when I said I need to go 5-6 times and she would find something to say or show me. It feels like I could ask her to the movies with no strings, no R talk, and reestablish at worst our friendship.
I cannot do the DB coach thing until the end of the month. So, I really need some advice in the meanwhile. My tentative plan is to continue to leave her alone and hope that she calls me as she said,"I'd like that, maybe I'll do that." sooner rather than later.
Keep doing what you are doing. I think you are doing good relax and try not to be to anxious. Forget about her statement of "I don't want you to think you have a chance" just don't even think about it since in reality she really does not know what she wants. Be plesant around her be her friend.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it. Hard not to be anxious and impatient. But she is definitely not ready for anything. That is why, "I don't want you to think you have a chance." I have been leaving her alone as best as possible with 5D pickup/drop-offs. Yet, she still is noticing my changes, especially seeing me as a great dad to 5D and said she has gotten jealous, angry, and upset about the things I do for her because I can now, perhaps I wouldn't have before, and she cannot.
Tentative plan 1) Leave her alone --- she has open door to call me now -- perhaps she will walk through it. 2) If in two weeks or a bit longer, we do not have any meaningful contact then perhaps I may do a mini-leap to check the water. Like a simple coffee meeting or "friends" to watch movie(which I think she would go to).
Sounds like she's feeling sorry for herself, plus she's depressed. Do you have custody? If not, are you paying child support?
Anyway, I think you had the R talk. Now you need to let her initiate, if she's going to. If she knows that you want to work on the marriage and knows how you feel about her, then there is no point in reiterating your points. She sounds like she is having a hard time of it. Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't just go dark for a week or two. I'd probably just give her a quick call to ask how she's doing. Basically say, "the last time we talked, you seemed down, are you feeling better?" I think it's a nice gesture to show that you care. If the response from her isn't so good, then leave the conversation quickly, make a nice last impression (ie "have a good day", "glad your feeling better", or whatever) and get the heck off the phone. I wouldn't wait for a week to ask though.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
